Please don't marry him.
It is difficult to overstate the devastating impact a bad marriage can have on your life. If you have any doubts, or there are any red flags, please don't marry him.
Content warning: child death, drowning, abuse
I just heard a devastating story about the friend of a friend: She left her two-year-old baby with her ex-husband, who had a long history of irresponsible behavior. But, of course, he still gets visitation. He left the baby unattended in the bath tub and she drowned.
One life ended. One life forever shattered. This is just one example of the infinitely high costs of marrying an irresponsible, abusive, or unkind man.
For five years now, I’ve written about marriage, relationships, feminism, and how marriage and childrearing weaponize sexism to oppress women. I get hundreds of questions from women every month, and I now run a support group for women in bad marriages.
I used to think women in bad marriages should just leave. Now I know that once you have kids with someone, you will never escape them—whether you leave or not.
If you haven’t married him yet, there’s still time to save yourself, and any future children you might have.
Please don’t round mediocre up to good
We are, as a culture, teaching women the wrong reasons to get married. Take a look at these pieces I’ve written about red and green flags, and then consider where your partner sits on this spectrum:
From birth, we teach girls that marriage is magical, and that they must seek it out at all costs. As girls turn into women, they become fixated on gaining the love of a man, and on the notion of marriage as an answer to their problems. We don’t tell them that marriage almost always makes problems worse, and that for the overwhelming majority of women, marriage is a terrible deal.
Girls round mediocre up to good. A dude shows some interest, but pretends he’s a commitment phobe and occasionally calls her names or screams at her. And she tells her at least he doesn’t hit her.
Or he loves objectifying women so he spends time at strip clubs and behaves inappropriately with her friends, but she tells herself all men are that way.
Or he hit her that one time, but it was because she really deserved it and he was so sorry.
He won’t talk to her about feminism, division of labor, parenting style, or any of the other issues that actually matter in a marriage, but she’s scared of losing him so she doesn’t push it.
Listen. He needs to love all of you, all the time, or get none of you. He needs to respect your values and have a clear plan to be a good husband, a good father (if that’s what you want), and to build a good life together.
Otherwise, why would you pledge your life to mediocrity?
The small things get worse
In a recent survey I conducted of divorced women, the majority reported having doubts about going forward with the wedding. Many reported pressure to get married, or went through with it because they feared public embarrassment, financial loss, or family shame.
Years later, the same reasons they had cold feet were almost always the reasons they got divorced. Except by the time they were seeking a divorce, the apparently small problems had escalated. Alcoholics had become violent. Emotionally abusive men had raped them or assaulted their children.
The man who takes risks as a driver now is going to be the father who endangers your kids with his reckless driving.
The man who won’t talk about challenging topics will become the person who hides financial issues, refuses to learn how to be a good parent, or who insists that any attempts you make to resolve conflict are signs that you are hysterical.
Emotional abuse becomes physical abuse. Sexual coercion becomes rape. That single act of physical violence becomes chronic physical abuse.
The big things can kill you
What I was most horrified to learn when I began surveying women about their early relationship experiences is this: It was very common for women to choose to marry abusive partners. And to then choose to have kids with them on the belief that children would soften them.
If you marry someone who is abusive—even if the abuse is “mild,” even if it’s only occasional—then the most likely outcome is that the abuse will steadily escalate, until your life is in danger and so is your child’s.
If you have a child with an abusive person, he will very likely abuse your child—and he will probably still get visitation. Your relationship with him will be a forever danger to your child, and to yourself.
What if he’s not abusive?
“But he’s not abusive!” you might say.
Not being abusive is not a sign you should marry someone. It is just the bare minimum. The absence of abuse does not guarantee against abuse in the future, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have a good partner. If someone has sent this to you in the hopes that it will convince you not to get married, then please consider the possibility that they are seeing something you don’t.
Contrary to what you might have heard, friends don’t typically try to deter you from getting married because they’re jealous or don’t want you to succeed. Instead, they’re likely genuinely concerned about you. Love blinds us to a host of red flags.
So what if he’s not abusive? You may still be signing up for a lifetime of suffering—and, indeed, for eventual abuse if he displays any of the following red flags:
creating a pursuit dynamic in which you invest more in the relationship than he does
household chore inequality in which you do more household, emotional, or relationship labor than he does
questionable relationships with other women
a history of big, significant lies
an unwillingness to talk about certain topics
making you feel like you cannot talk to him about your feelings
an unwillingness to discuss parenting styles and preferences if you plan to have children
The cost of leaving now pales in comparison to the future costs of leaving
Canceling a wedding is painful, and even devastating. Breakups already feel awful. I know you are hoping to avoid pain—including the pain of public embarrassment, loss of money, and letting down your fiance.
The pain of this moment is nothing compared to the pain you will feel in the future if you go through with a marriage you’re not sure about, with someone whom you shouldn’t marry.
Would you rather suffer for a few months now? Or spend the rest of your life suffering with an abusive person who will almost certainly abuse your children, and make it impossible to fully get away even if you get divorced?
Please don’t marry him.
Marriage should be a joyful tool of mutual liberation that offers you both immense gifts and opportunities—or it shouldn’t happen at all.
Interesting read. I agree with all the points.
However how does one ensure not to fall victim of those who pretend?
He says the right things, approach you knowing your feminist stance and goes along with it until you are married or have kids before he shows his real self?
How much time does it take to know if its real?
I'm 32 and wish I had someone tell me this when I was 24 and getting married. 2 kids later in an emotionally neglectful marriage, I had begun the divorce process at one point, but the more it went on, the more intertwined with him I felt, and I am now probably stuck until my kids are grown. Which is well over a decade from now.