--living with Mom (this is not always a bright scarlet warning, but ime usually points to deeper problems)
--every employer ever has been mean to them, fired them unjustly, they can't get ahead, they are the victim of nepotism, just can't catch a break, etc
--they want to move in with you immediately but don't want to pay rent
--still living with their ex (yes, really. Don't make me count the number of men I've met who were really truly divorced, honestly, but still living in the same house as their ex-wife)
--planning on leaving their current relationship very soon, really
--making derogatory, fat-phobic comments about other people
--cliche, but how they treat waitstaff is a big neon clue
I had a man meet me, tell me he couldn’t imagine his life without me on our first date and then want to move in within 2 weeks of me moving to a new city for law school- he did live with his mom but since he was only 19 and I was 22/my twin was still living at home that didn’t bother me. I didn’t wish I could say I immediately dumped him but the love bombing was strong, I was lonely and it was a bad 5 weeks before I dumped him. Also his brother tried to kiss me when he was hanging out with a random woman in my apartment complex and I was the one who had to apologize?! it’s been 14 years, but that was wild.
About two years before we ultimately separated, a marriage therapist remarked thoughtfully that my ex didn't seem to be able to accept any influence from me. Even when I had well-reasoned, rational ideas or concerns, he would automatically dismiss them in favor of his own ideas or plans.
He actually also has a serious substance abuse problem that he has only now gotten ahold of after he lost custody temporarily due to putting our child in danger. That said, I think substance abuse - with the right adherence to treatment - can actually be workable as seen by the millions of people successfully in recovery programs (though agree with you, it's a red flag when unmanaged). A sense of entitlement and lack of ability to accept feedback or ideas is more like "everything is on fire."
Case in point: we are now going on our second year of nightmare, six figure custody battle. I put all communications to him through AI to make them as palatable as possible, but he fights me on absolutely everything. It's to the point that most decisions needs to go to court as even his (female) attorney says he won't accept any counsel she provides him. This is his second attorney - the first was a man and it was the same problem with him. Without a court order, my ex simply won't comply, even if it's abundantly clear what a judge would order or what the case precedent is in our state.
We married the same person it seems. I've found this to be one of the most impossible red flag to deal with. Everything is on fire if whatever you say doesn't matter to him whatsoever or he'll do the opposite just because he doesn't want to be agreeable. He'll even sabotage himself before he'll take my advice. I'm not looking forward to the divorce, for now I'm placating him so that I can safely move out next month.
So sorry you are dealing with a similar situation. Yes - in this process, my ex has continually shot himself in the foot by being so antagonistic. He'd rather we both lose and drain $$ vs. accepting situations where there is any mutual benefit (especially situations where I could benefit).
Sending lots of warm wishes - it's a bumpy ride divorcing someone like this, but 100% worth it. I am now with a man who is night and day from my ex - kind, thoughtful, regularly asks for and takes into account my feelings/needs/opinions, and a true partner who cooks and cleans without having to be asked. Even before meeting him, I was so much happier on my own with the kids in our new apartment. You will get through this!
That is encouraging to hear that you have a true partner now. I think I will be too scared to try in the future (my marriage was 30 years), but I love seeing that it is possible.
Sabine and Susanna, I think we are all three married to the same person!!! He has totally sabotaged himself in the divorce proceedings (we are in month 8 now), even to the point of either quitting or being terminated from his six figure professional job before our child support and alimony hearing. Entitlement, lack of ability to accept feedback, very disagreeable. A very expensive, torturous lesson for me...but I don't need to learn the same lesson twice. Never again with these type of men.
Omg yes and my ex also lost his six figure job during proceedings. And unbelievably, found a way to blame it on me. Somehow even his job performance is my fault. You can’t make this stuff up!!
During the last year I have done 100% of the childcare, including continuing to homeschool our two kids, all the home maintenance/lawn care he would normally do (as he moved out and lives in an apartment) and I now work full-time at a fully remote job after 17 years as a SAHM/homeschooling mom (so I am working and homeschooling).
Meanwhile, all he has had to do was work and keep his job. Sigh.
So very glad to be out of this dynamic, though. It has been tough, as you know, but I am already way less stressed even with all the responsibility I am carrying. Looking forward to the legal process being done!!!
Yes to accepting influence in relationships! It’s a sign of respect to be open to influence and I don’t believe many men are. Unless it’s another man they look up to 😑
"Being transactional.." YES! Yet he also asks you to compromise (aka do what he wants) whenever it suits him. This is absolutely my stbx and it's infuriating and makes everyday life extremely difficult, you feel like you're being punished for no reason at all. He'll look at you like you're a parasite that's trying to exploit him, and he won't be having that. He'll leave stuff halfway done or just walk away and leave me to handle everything, even when it is more inconvenient in the long run for everyone to do so. Not a team player by any means.
- Always expecting you to change and better yourself for him, while he gets to maintain all of his bad habits.
- Honestly, I consider the regular strip club attendance a red flag. Can also roll up excessive porn use into that one, especially if it’s causing issues with sex/intimacy, he’s telling you crap like you need to “learn” from porn to please him, and insisting that you need to constantly get out of your sexual comfort zone to please/entertain him.
- Using shut down phrases like “you’re always so negative/jealous/insecure” when discussing behaviors that bother you. Also if he calls you spiteful for not being comfortable about something. For instance, a porn addict I dated always wanted me to dress up in lingerie for him, but the few times I did, he couldn’t or wouldn’t react positively for it; I stopped as a result, and he called me spiteful for no longer being comfortable.
- “I’m not like all the other guys!” Which means you’re exactly like all the other guys if not worse.
- Following excessive OF accounts and other sex related stuff publicly on social media.
- Pushing for threesomes, swinging, open relationships when you’re clearly not about it.
OMG the first one “Always expecting you to change and better yourself for him, while he gets to maintain all of his bad habits.” Really hit close to home for me. I changed so much for my ex to please him and not make him angry, all while he continued to stay the same, even when I would tell him, since I’m trying to improve myself on this, maybe you should try and improve yourself on that, he would get SOOOO angry and then list off a bunch of things I needed to change about myself to be better. It was infuriating, but I was young and insecure. I remember one of the things he hated that I did was say “I KNOW RIGHT?” And not because I was a “knowitall” more of like an “I know!” As an agreement statement. For example, “It’s so hot today, I’m gonna burn up if I go outside” my response, “I know, it’s horrible huh?” The just saying “I know” would absolutely TRIGGER him and he’d even be like, “Oh so you know, huh? Because you know everything right??” And I was confused, finally one day I told him, “When I say I know, it’s said as an agreement, not because I already know or whatever” but anyway, because of him, I stopped saying it, I made it a habit not to say it as an agreement statement because I was so afraid he’d go off on me. And the crazy thing is, this isn’t the only thing he hated that did. There was so much more, but this is just one example.
Oh yeah, it’s always a one way street with them, isn’t it? Granted, I did have some issues I needed to work on from my previous marriage, but while I was actively seeking therapy and working on myself, he stayed stagnant. My ex would also get pissed when I pointed out things he needed to work on or when I’d point out his hypocrisy. He’d always talk down to me like I’m an idiot, but boy, I’d better not do the same to him! He fried his brain on porn, but it was my job to spin my wheels to please him sexually while he continued frying his brain. His health was deteriorating while steadily gaining weight, but I’d better not mention he needed to start eating healthier and getting more active. His excuse was always “I need to wait for the meds to work before I do anything else,” then wondered why nothing got better. Meanwhile, I better be at the gym staying fit and not gaining weight. He would always “forget” things about me, but I better remember everything about him. He would always call me out when he felt I was being “negative” to shut me down, but it’s totally OK for him to complain and overreact to everything. It was OK for him to say no to things, but I’d better be pleasant and agreeable to everything. It was such a joke when he would tell me my opinions mattered…only if they were the same as his. It was fine for him to have boundaries, but he’d stomp right over any boundary I set.
Later came to find out he has untreated ADHD. That coupled with all of his never-ending criticism, crippling porn addiction, and higher expectations for me while he still gets to act however he wants…absolutely the fuck not. Glad I got out of there, because it’s just not worth dealing with that kind of bullshit in my life.
"They don’t have any friends, or all of their friends are women they’ve dated."
To extend this point; their only friends are from "back home" and they can't make new friends as an adult and avoid meeting your friends. It means they are socially and emotionally immature and also close minded, especially if "back home" is a small town. This will usually extend to their family too; I was completely alienated by his family over the course of our relationship because I wasn't "one of them".
Another red flag is always blaming you for your reaction in a disagreement instead of taking responsibility for their actions that caused the reaction. I wish I had realised this is what was happening in my 10yr marriage before we separated. I was always wrong and "overreacting". Now I just don't respond to his bullshit and inconsiderate behaviours because it's not worth having my reaction picked apart and thrown back at me as the problem.
I cannot begin to tell you how it makes me feel when reading your writing. Liberating motherhood is an understatement. Liberating womanhood is also what it is and so much more! You put words to our experience in ways that is nothing short of perfection! THANK YOU for writing. It is going to be the change for all women that is essential to a life worth living. Bless you!!! You are my hero! BIG love to you! xxx
Excellent, excellent list and it’s only going to get better since this is a running list!
Can we add phrases/tactics such as:
“You’re too sensitive”
Word salad
Triangulation
Blame shifting
Gaslighting
Entitlement behaviors such as not returning grocery cart to proper place, not leaving toilet clean for the next person, etc.
Manipulative kindness (only usually able to determine if it’s manipulation after the quite awhile after the fact so this one can be really tricky)
Addiction (to sports, video games, porn, alcohol, etc.) It can be a disease of the brain but it also does seem that there is a high correlation (not causation) between abuse and these behaviors especially if it involves lying/covering up
Controlling behaviors such as having to know where you are at all times, how you were your hair, your clothing choices, etc.
See how they respond to when you say “no” to something such as sex, weekend plans, a social event you said you would attend originally but now you’re not up to it, etc.
How they respond to different cultures and ways of doing things: is it with curiosity or comments such as “that is so weird” May seem harmless but it really is quite indicative of harmful attitudes.
Great points! I think there are sometimes exceptions to not returning a trolley - eg physical issues - sometimes I don’t because it’s the end of the day and my knee is aching and I still need to stand to make my kids dinner. But if these types of issues aren’t relevant, then absolutely!
Interesting you mention addiction and include sports as an example. I never really framed it as an addiction but fuck I wish my ex paid half as much attention to the details of our life and marriage as he did to following his favourite teams. And the intense focus he could muster while watching sports...yeh I never received anything like that. 🙄
I am sorry you experienced that. How awful. But you’re right…”if he wanted to, he would”
I have seen many men able to remember details of sports, be fully engaged and emotional while watching/reading about them and then be horribly deficient (by choice!) to their partners. It’s gross and quite frankly has turned me off to quite a bit of hoopla about sports, especially the kind where men get paid millions of dollars and society puts all kinds of time; effort and money into that verses nurturing, kindness; empathy and the way more important things.
💯 truth. Spot on every point. Decades of lived experience says do not ever settle for less than you deserve. Being divorced is lovely and honors who I am.
There are good dad's out there, but it seems like the overwhelming majority of single dads are looking for a new mom to pass the kids off to. Absolutely get the mom's side of the story on why they split and how custody is being handled.
This turns into a red flag if there are multiple kids close in age (this points to sexual coercion or at very least, laziness with birth control) or if he's low or no contact with the kids. Plus, the other kid-related stuff already mentioned.
Yellow flag: directly related (son, grandson or sibling) to a religious or political leader. These are the sort of celebrities we don't really think about, but the public opinions (especially when if living locally) can easily become a real problem.
Directly related to low/no contact with kids is if this is actually written into court orders. Courts don’t cut men out of their kids lives easily. Massive, massive red flag.
Great point. I would say young kids and divorce is a red flag for men in most cases, honestly. I have young kids and began divorce proceedings when the younger one was a newborn. I was fortunate to meet several other single moms of babies and toddlers in my area. Let me tell you - the stories are extreme and not good. It takes a lot to leave a man when you have a newborn and especially if you also have a toddler/other older children. In these cases, cheating, verbal/physical/sexual abuse, and substance abuse from dad are the sadly the norm, not the exception.
For these reasons, I refused to date any men with kids. My now partner is childless and wonderful. The only other successful second marriages I know are all moms who remarried childless men.
And I wouldn’t be fooled by dads who have 50/50 or even sole custody. Look up their court record - if he’s ever claimed parental alienation (a common and bogus way that dangerous men get custody), run - do not walk - in the other direction.
Some I would add - can’t have sex with you without having their eyes shut. This one links in straight in with porn obsessions or cheating. They definitely are not in the same room as you (in their heads) when they are doing that.
Any type of infidelity from emotional through to physical, unless you’ve previously openly discussed and freely (not been coerced or convinced to) agreed otherwise. Negative reactions to or any type of aversion to homosexuality, queer people or any particular thing, object or behaviour because they believe it is “gay”.
Sadly my STBX only showed 3 of these flags and it was rare that he did
-poor hygiene
-defensiveness
-disguised trauma dumping as dark jokes
That’s it…he came to emotionally abused me after marriage and was resentful that I didn’t have the bandwidth to carry the mental load of the household and parenting (and much of the physical load) and also be emotionally available to him whenever he needed (which was what he wanted often while isolating me from family and friends and me not having any emotional support from him or anyone else.)
Please, please, please talk about women’s complicity in Patriarchy & Sexism, and about how women need to stop falling for the socialization training that pits women against each other. Women could create a new reality, but instead so many women end up perpetuating Patriarchy. In peace & solidarity, thanks.
Yeah and a lot of women aren’t aware. So while it appears to be complicity, that’s not always the case. I’ve certainly perpetuated it. And have considered myself a staunch advocate for women and other marginalized groups since a young age. But it’s definitely not something I fell for. As it’s been ingrained since the day I was born. We do better when we know better.
Women are victims. And this feels an awful lot like victim blaming. The women who are perpetuating it are no less victims than anyone else. Are they unsavory? Yes. Could we use their help. Of course.
Women are tired. Creating a new reality for everyone would be nice. But then again, that’s just women doing all the emotional labor. Again. Best I can do right now is create a new reality for myself and my children. And I think we’re all just trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got.
I would add
--living with Mom (this is not always a bright scarlet warning, but ime usually points to deeper problems)
--every employer ever has been mean to them, fired them unjustly, they can't get ahead, they are the victim of nepotism, just can't catch a break, etc
--they want to move in with you immediately but don't want to pay rent
--still living with their ex (yes, really. Don't make me count the number of men I've met who were really truly divorced, honestly, but still living in the same house as their ex-wife)
--planning on leaving their current relationship very soon, really
--making derogatory, fat-phobic comments about other people
--cliche, but how they treat waitstaff is a big neon clue
--newly sober and/or 12-step evangelist
--black and white thinker on anything
I had a man meet me, tell me he couldn’t imagine his life without me on our first date and then want to move in within 2 weeks of me moving to a new city for law school- he did live with his mom but since he was only 19 and I was 22/my twin was still living at home that didn’t bother me. I didn’t wish I could say I immediately dumped him but the love bombing was strong, I was lonely and it was a bad 5 weeks before I dumped him. Also his brother tried to kiss me when he was hanging out with a random woman in my apartment complex and I was the one who had to apologize?! it’s been 14 years, but that was wild.
About two years before we ultimately separated, a marriage therapist remarked thoughtfully that my ex didn't seem to be able to accept any influence from me. Even when I had well-reasoned, rational ideas or concerns, he would automatically dismiss them in favor of his own ideas or plans.
He actually also has a serious substance abuse problem that he has only now gotten ahold of after he lost custody temporarily due to putting our child in danger. That said, I think substance abuse - with the right adherence to treatment - can actually be workable as seen by the millions of people successfully in recovery programs (though agree with you, it's a red flag when unmanaged). A sense of entitlement and lack of ability to accept feedback or ideas is more like "everything is on fire."
Case in point: we are now going on our second year of nightmare, six figure custody battle. I put all communications to him through AI to make them as palatable as possible, but he fights me on absolutely everything. It's to the point that most decisions needs to go to court as even his (female) attorney says he won't accept any counsel she provides him. This is his second attorney - the first was a man and it was the same problem with him. Without a court order, my ex simply won't comply, even if it's abundantly clear what a judge would order or what the case precedent is in our state.
We married the same person it seems. I've found this to be one of the most impossible red flag to deal with. Everything is on fire if whatever you say doesn't matter to him whatsoever or he'll do the opposite just because he doesn't want to be agreeable. He'll even sabotage himself before he'll take my advice. I'm not looking forward to the divorce, for now I'm placating him so that I can safely move out next month.
So sorry you are dealing with a similar situation. Yes - in this process, my ex has continually shot himself in the foot by being so antagonistic. He'd rather we both lose and drain $$ vs. accepting situations where there is any mutual benefit (especially situations where I could benefit).
Sending lots of warm wishes - it's a bumpy ride divorcing someone like this, but 100% worth it. I am now with a man who is night and day from my ex - kind, thoughtful, regularly asks for and takes into account my feelings/needs/opinions, and a true partner who cooks and cleans without having to be asked. Even before meeting him, I was so much happier on my own with the kids in our new apartment. You will get through this!
That is encouraging to hear that you have a true partner now. I think I will be too scared to try in the future (my marriage was 30 years), but I love seeing that it is possible.
Sabine and Susanna, I think we are all three married to the same person!!! He has totally sabotaged himself in the divorce proceedings (we are in month 8 now), even to the point of either quitting or being terminated from his six figure professional job before our child support and alimony hearing. Entitlement, lack of ability to accept feedback, very disagreeable. A very expensive, torturous lesson for me...but I don't need to learn the same lesson twice. Never again with these type of men.
Omg yes and my ex also lost his six figure job during proceedings. And unbelievably, found a way to blame it on me. Somehow even his job performance is my fault. You can’t make this stuff up!!
Mine found a way to blame me too!!! So crazy.
During the last year I have done 100% of the childcare, including continuing to homeschool our two kids, all the home maintenance/lawn care he would normally do (as he moved out and lives in an apartment) and I now work full-time at a fully remote job after 17 years as a SAHM/homeschooling mom (so I am working and homeschooling).
Meanwhile, all he has had to do was work and keep his job. Sigh.
So very glad to be out of this dynamic, though. It has been tough, as you know, but I am already way less stressed even with all the responsibility I am carrying. Looking forward to the legal process being done!!!
Yes to accepting influence in relationships! It’s a sign of respect to be open to influence and I don’t believe many men are. Unless it’s another man they look up to 😑
-Speaking negatively about their exes, blaming the demise of previous relationships entirely on the other person
-Being transactional, constantly interested in "tit for tat" and how they can benefit from every situation
-Unable to answer the question "what could you have done better in your most recent relationship"
-Doesn't respect boundaries when they are set, continues trying to violate boundaries, such as communication boundaries
-Toxic positivity and using it as a way to invalidate your feelings
"Being transactional.." YES! Yet he also asks you to compromise (aka do what he wants) whenever it suits him. This is absolutely my stbx and it's infuriating and makes everyday life extremely difficult, you feel like you're being punished for no reason at all. He'll look at you like you're a parasite that's trying to exploit him, and he won't be having that. He'll leave stuff halfway done or just walk away and leave me to handle everything, even when it is more inconvenient in the long run for everyone to do so. Not a team player by any means.
- Always expecting you to change and better yourself for him, while he gets to maintain all of his bad habits.
- Honestly, I consider the regular strip club attendance a red flag. Can also roll up excessive porn use into that one, especially if it’s causing issues with sex/intimacy, he’s telling you crap like you need to “learn” from porn to please him, and insisting that you need to constantly get out of your sexual comfort zone to please/entertain him.
- Using shut down phrases like “you’re always so negative/jealous/insecure” when discussing behaviors that bother you. Also if he calls you spiteful for not being comfortable about something. For instance, a porn addict I dated always wanted me to dress up in lingerie for him, but the few times I did, he couldn’t or wouldn’t react positively for it; I stopped as a result, and he called me spiteful for no longer being comfortable.
- “I’m not like all the other guys!” Which means you’re exactly like all the other guys if not worse.
- Following excessive OF accounts and other sex related stuff publicly on social media.
- Pushing for threesomes, swinging, open relationships when you’re clearly not about it.
OMG the first one “Always expecting you to change and better yourself for him, while he gets to maintain all of his bad habits.” Really hit close to home for me. I changed so much for my ex to please him and not make him angry, all while he continued to stay the same, even when I would tell him, since I’m trying to improve myself on this, maybe you should try and improve yourself on that, he would get SOOOO angry and then list off a bunch of things I needed to change about myself to be better. It was infuriating, but I was young and insecure. I remember one of the things he hated that I did was say “I KNOW RIGHT?” And not because I was a “knowitall” more of like an “I know!” As an agreement statement. For example, “It’s so hot today, I’m gonna burn up if I go outside” my response, “I know, it’s horrible huh?” The just saying “I know” would absolutely TRIGGER him and he’d even be like, “Oh so you know, huh? Because you know everything right??” And I was confused, finally one day I told him, “When I say I know, it’s said as an agreement, not because I already know or whatever” but anyway, because of him, I stopped saying it, I made it a habit not to say it as an agreement statement because I was so afraid he’d go off on me. And the crazy thing is, this isn’t the only thing he hated that did. There was so much more, but this is just one example.
Oh yeah, it’s always a one way street with them, isn’t it? Granted, I did have some issues I needed to work on from my previous marriage, but while I was actively seeking therapy and working on myself, he stayed stagnant. My ex would also get pissed when I pointed out things he needed to work on or when I’d point out his hypocrisy. He’d always talk down to me like I’m an idiot, but boy, I’d better not do the same to him! He fried his brain on porn, but it was my job to spin my wheels to please him sexually while he continued frying his brain. His health was deteriorating while steadily gaining weight, but I’d better not mention he needed to start eating healthier and getting more active. His excuse was always “I need to wait for the meds to work before I do anything else,” then wondered why nothing got better. Meanwhile, I better be at the gym staying fit and not gaining weight. He would always “forget” things about me, but I better remember everything about him. He would always call me out when he felt I was being “negative” to shut me down, but it’s totally OK for him to complain and overreact to everything. It was OK for him to say no to things, but I’d better be pleasant and agreeable to everything. It was such a joke when he would tell me my opinions mattered…only if they were the same as his. It was fine for him to have boundaries, but he’d stomp right over any boundary I set.
Later came to find out he has untreated ADHD. That coupled with all of his never-ending criticism, crippling porn addiction, and higher expectations for me while he still gets to act however he wants…absolutely the fuck not. Glad I got out of there, because it’s just not worth dealing with that kind of bullshit in my life.
"They don’t have any friends, or all of their friends are women they’ve dated."
To extend this point; their only friends are from "back home" and they can't make new friends as an adult and avoid meeting your friends. It means they are socially and emotionally immature and also close minded, especially if "back home" is a small town. This will usually extend to their family too; I was completely alienated by his family over the course of our relationship because I wasn't "one of them".
Another red flag is always blaming you for your reaction in a disagreement instead of taking responsibility for their actions that caused the reaction. I wish I had realised this is what was happening in my 10yr marriage before we separated. I was always wrong and "overreacting". Now I just don't respond to his bullshit and inconsiderate behaviours because it's not worth having my reaction picked apart and thrown back at me as the problem.
Blaming me for my reactions is definitely the biggest red flag I walked past with my ex-husband. This is a great one!
I cannot begin to tell you how it makes me feel when reading your writing. Liberating motherhood is an understatement. Liberating womanhood is also what it is and so much more! You put words to our experience in ways that is nothing short of perfection! THANK YOU for writing. It is going to be the change for all women that is essential to a life worth living. Bless you!!! You are my hero! BIG love to you! xxx
Ditto ❤️
- being disrespectful towards your parents and family
- not respecting your privacy (going through your phone messages, calls and emails)
- excessive jealousy
- putting you down or saying things about you that are not true, just to hurt you or belittle you
- finding fault with everyone you are close to, in a bid to isolate you
- Forcing you to give up all your male friends, even if you weren't romantically involved with them.
Excellent, excellent list and it’s only going to get better since this is a running list!
Can we add phrases/tactics such as:
“You’re too sensitive”
Word salad
Triangulation
Blame shifting
Gaslighting
Entitlement behaviors such as not returning grocery cart to proper place, not leaving toilet clean for the next person, etc.
Manipulative kindness (only usually able to determine if it’s manipulation after the quite awhile after the fact so this one can be really tricky)
Addiction (to sports, video games, porn, alcohol, etc.) It can be a disease of the brain but it also does seem that there is a high correlation (not causation) between abuse and these behaviors especially if it involves lying/covering up
Controlling behaviors such as having to know where you are at all times, how you were your hair, your clothing choices, etc.
See how they respond to when you say “no” to something such as sex, weekend plans, a social event you said you would attend originally but now you’re not up to it, etc.
How they respond to different cultures and ways of doing things: is it with curiosity or comments such as “that is so weird” May seem harmless but it really is quite indicative of harmful attitudes.
Great points! I think there are sometimes exceptions to not returning a trolley - eg physical issues - sometimes I don’t because it’s the end of the day and my knee is aching and I still need to stand to make my kids dinner. But if these types of issues aren’t relevant, then absolutely!
Interesting you mention addiction and include sports as an example. I never really framed it as an addiction but fuck I wish my ex paid half as much attention to the details of our life and marriage as he did to following his favourite teams. And the intense focus he could muster while watching sports...yeh I never received anything like that. 🙄
Prime example of "if he wanted to, he would"
I am sorry you experienced that. How awful. But you’re right…”if he wanted to, he would”
I have seen many men able to remember details of sports, be fully engaged and emotional while watching/reading about them and then be horribly deficient (by choice!) to their partners. It’s gross and quite frankly has turned me off to quite a bit of hoopla about sports, especially the kind where men get paid millions of dollars and society puts all kinds of time; effort and money into that verses nurturing, kindness; empathy and the way more important things.
💯 truth. Spot on every point. Decades of lived experience says do not ever settle for less than you deserve. Being divorced is lovely and honors who I am.
Yellow flag: he has kids already.
There are good dad's out there, but it seems like the overwhelming majority of single dads are looking for a new mom to pass the kids off to. Absolutely get the mom's side of the story on why they split and how custody is being handled.
This turns into a red flag if there are multiple kids close in age (this points to sexual coercion or at very least, laziness with birth control) or if he's low or no contact with the kids. Plus, the other kid-related stuff already mentioned.
Yellow flag: directly related (son, grandson or sibling) to a religious or political leader. These are the sort of celebrities we don't really think about, but the public opinions (especially when if living locally) can easily become a real problem.
Directly related to low/no contact with kids is if this is actually written into court orders. Courts don’t cut men out of their kids lives easily. Massive, massive red flag.
Great point. I would say young kids and divorce is a red flag for men in most cases, honestly. I have young kids and began divorce proceedings when the younger one was a newborn. I was fortunate to meet several other single moms of babies and toddlers in my area. Let me tell you - the stories are extreme and not good. It takes a lot to leave a man when you have a newborn and especially if you also have a toddler/other older children. In these cases, cheating, verbal/physical/sexual abuse, and substance abuse from dad are the sadly the norm, not the exception.
For these reasons, I refused to date any men with kids. My now partner is childless and wonderful. The only other successful second marriages I know are all moms who remarried childless men.
And I wouldn’t be fooled by dads who have 50/50 or even sole custody. Look up their court record - if he’s ever claimed parental alienation (a common and bogus way that dangerous men get custody), run - do not walk - in the other direction.
I wish I had had information like this 20+ years ago when I first starting dating…I will definitely be sharing your writing when my daughter does!
Share with everyone you know! Imagine if they shared it with all the young people they knew! This info needs to be shouted from the rooftops.
I wish I had had access to this list at 21 😢
Some I would add - can’t have sex with you without having their eyes shut. This one links in straight in with porn obsessions or cheating. They definitely are not in the same room as you (in their heads) when they are doing that.
Any type of infidelity from emotional through to physical, unless you’ve previously openly discussed and freely (not been coerced or convinced to) agreed otherwise. Negative reactions to or any type of aversion to homosexuality, queer people or any particular thing, object or behaviour because they believe it is “gay”.
Sadly my STBX only showed 3 of these flags and it was rare that he did
-poor hygiene
-defensiveness
-disguised trauma dumping as dark jokes
That’s it…he came to emotionally abused me after marriage and was resentful that I didn’t have the bandwidth to carry the mental load of the household and parenting (and much of the physical load) and also be emotionally available to him whenever he needed (which was what he wanted often while isolating me from family and friends and me not having any emotional support from him or anyone else.)
Soo much bait and switch
Please, please, please talk about women’s complicity in Patriarchy & Sexism, and about how women need to stop falling for the socialization training that pits women against each other. Women could create a new reality, but instead so many women end up perpetuating Patriarchy. In peace & solidarity, thanks.
Yeah and a lot of women aren’t aware. So while it appears to be complicity, that’s not always the case. I’ve certainly perpetuated it. And have considered myself a staunch advocate for women and other marginalized groups since a young age. But it’s definitely not something I fell for. As it’s been ingrained since the day I was born. We do better when we know better.
Women are victims. And this feels an awful lot like victim blaming. The women who are perpetuating it are no less victims than anyone else. Are they unsavory? Yes. Could we use their help. Of course.
Women are tired. Creating a new reality for everyone would be nice. But then again, that’s just women doing all the emotional labor. Again. Best I can do right now is create a new reality for myself and my children. And I think we’re all just trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got.
You are literally pitting us against other women with your comment. Don’t blame the oppressed for their oppression.