Relationship red flags: An ongoing and detailed list

In a misogynistic society, women don't often learn about red flags until it's too late.

In a patriarchal society, we spend far more time playing marriage games and talking about princesses and generally socializing girls to be compliant and unquestioning than we do teaching them about how to have good relationships. No wonder so many of us end up in bad relationships. In many cases, the very behaviors we’ve been told to seek out are actually significant red flags.

It’s not on women to end misogyny or abuse. But men show no signs of changing. So one of the very best ways for women to protect themselves is to know the early warning signs and leave at the first indication of trouble.

I’ve written in more detail about choosing a partner here, here, and here. But I’ve never covered red flags in detail before.

Here’s my list. Please offer your own in the comments, and I will continue to build this list. There’s also a lively discussion of these red flags on my Facebook page. I urge you to read the thread in its entirety, because it’s truly a font of wisdom.

Yellow flags

These are behaviors that could be a bad sign, but could also just be quirks of personality or circumstance. The more yellow flags you observe, the more vulnerable you are. Proceed with caution.

• Being too invested in his friends’ opinions. Patriarchy means that groups of men are rarely a positive influence. A man who wants to impress his friends is a man who can be goaded into bad behavior.

• Excessively flirtatious relationships with other women if you are in, or hope to be in, a monogamous relationship.

• Regularly going to strip clubs. There is nothing wrong with sex work or with strippers. But men who want to buy access to women overwhelmingly want to dominate women.

• Seeming to like or know about everything you like or know about. This could be a sign of love-bombing.

• Denigrating your friends and family. Occasionally, especially if you are in abusive relationships with others, this could be a sign of care and concern. More often, it’s an attempt to isolate you from others.

• Giving you unsolicited opinions or advice early in the relationship.

• Being obsessed with how much their mothers “sacrificed,” because this shows they think a woman’s job is to make sacrifices for men.

• They don’t have any friends, or all of their friends are women they’ve dated.

• Being excessively admiring of their families, especially of their fathers. All families have problems, and an inability to name and understand these problems suggests a lack of emotional awareness.

• Giving the silent treatment. If this is a frequent tool, it’s a red flag, not a yellow one.

• Wanting to argue about who pays for dates, or insisting that splitting the bill is feminist (especially if he’s not willing to entertain other feminist actions).

• Responding antagonistically to my Substack. Show him this, this, and this, and see how he reacts.

• Not introducing you to people in their lives.

• Defensiveness during conflicts.

• Trauma-dumping very early in the relationship.

• Always playing the victim.

• Lecturing you about a topic on which you are an expert and he is not.

• Attempts to change the way you engage with the world, labeling you as problematic, or criticizing your behavior early in the relationship: This is most frequently, though not always, a sign that he wants to exploit the flaw he has identified. For example, he might blame your reasonable behavior on your “excessive jealousy.”

Red flags

These are signs that something is seriously wrong with the relationship. In rare cases, it may be salvageable, or there may be a credible explanation. But if there are multiple red flags, it’s time to leave.

• Moving very quickly. Sure, some of us meet and fall in love quickly, and there is nothing wrong with that. But a rush to get married or have kids is a huge danger signal. Enjoy being in love and swept off your feet; do not move forward until you really know this person.

• Believing that other people’s “bad” behavior justifies violence or abuse.

• Being threatened by feminism. Men who loudly oppose feminism oppose women’s rights. Men who are worried about “false allegations” are more concerned about their ability to harm women without consequence than they are about women’s safety. If a dude wants to argue with you about whether feminism is a social good or sexism is real, dump him yesterday.

• Constantly talking about how nice, decent, or good they are.

• Reacting poorly to being told no.

• Having a bad temper or a history of angry outbursts.

• Keeping significant secrets, or being obsessed with privacy. For example, he might always cover his computer or phone screen, or become defensive when you ask him for details about his day.

• Engaging in debates about the supposed innate nature of gender differences. He’s doing this because he wants a built-in excuse for his bad behavior.

• Allowing their parents to have too much control over their lives. Enmeshment with mothers seems to be a common theme among abusive men.

• Being unable to make you orgasm, and disinterested in learning how to do so.

• Not allowing you into all areas of his life as the relationship evolves. You can’t meet his family, or friends, or visit him at work.

• Love-bombing. Is he the most loving person you’ve ever met? Are you shocked that he wants to make all your dreams come true? Maybe he’s a really nice guy. But if he’s also moving quickly and shows other red flags, he’s almost certainly love-bombing you. Love-bombing is a cult technique that involves overwhelming a person with love—and often, with false promises. It disrupts critical thinking, encouraging a person to ignore other red flags.

• Being unable to hear “no,” or listen to a person’s opinions on what to do for a date.

• Believing in polarity, masculine and feminine energy, or rigid gender roles. Men who believe women must play a certain role are almost always deeply misogynistic.

• Coming from a sexist family, and not openly questioning that sexism.

• The quality of his friends. Are they all misogynists who spend all their time at the strip club? He’s probably an asshole too.

• Bragging about giving “tough love” or “brutal honesty.”

• Having extremely negative and antagonistic relationships with an ex; a history of child custody battles.

• Not being able to identify why his previous relationships ended, or completely blaming his prior partners for the end of the relationship.

• Having exited a previous relationship very recently.

• Poor personal hygiene; this will get worse with time.

• Framing you as troubled, problematic, or otherwise in need of their guidance to be a better person.

• Relying on words and phrases as signals of goodness, rather than demonstrating good behavior. For example, Christian men may talk about Bible study or quote the Bible. Men in the self-help movement may talk extensively about therapy or consent. Men who consider themselves feminist may want to debate feminist theory, while talking over and condescending to you. It is easy to use the right combination of words. It’s much harder to behave in compassionate, egalitarian ways.

• Excessive drinking or drug use.

• An obsession with status symbols, especially cars, designer goods, etc. This suggests he prioritizes appearance over substance.

• Not being willing to discuss their past relationships.

• Being fixated on purity, sexual inexperience, or “body count.”

• Looking to blame women for their problems, disbelieving the seriousness of sexism, or seeking to explain away sexist abuse.

• Frequently calling you crazy or hysterical.

• Taking photos of you when you are in a vulnerable position and ask him not to.

• Labeling your emotions as problematic or a sign that you are illogical.

• Involving third parties in your relationship.

• Push-pull behavior: he’s sometimes loving and warm, and other times distant and cold.

• He talks about women’s “market value.”

• Not including you during group events. For example, making you feel excluded when you meet his friends.

• Not believing you about things, especially when it’s a topic on which you have expertise or lived experience.

• Making cruel jokes, or pretending his cruelty is just humor.

Run now! Everything is on fire!

A relationship is not salvageable, and a person is not safe, if he displays any of these signs:

• Any act of violence toward you, an animal, a child, anyone in your life, or any other person. Violence is never a one-time thing. It will happen again.

• You feel scared to discuss certain topics, share all of your opinions, or be fully yourself.

• Guilting you to get sex.

• Household labor inequality early in the relationship.

• Noticeably treating men and women differently.

• Breaking objects or punching walls when angry.

• Openly derisive of social justice movements.

• Making negative comments about your appearance or weight.

• Intermittent reinforcement: Alternating between being loving and kind and angry and threatening.

• Expressing any misogynistic views at all.

• Being a fan of Andrew Tate or any other red pillers.

• Racism, ableism, or other oppressive views.

• Making negative comments about women’s bodies.

• Thinking vaginas, vulvas, pregnancy, or finding any other aspect of womanhood/women’s bodies gross.

• Coercing you into sex.

• Attempting to financially dominate or control you, or attempting to gain access to your financial resources without offering similar access in return.

• Being in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone else.

• Spanking their children, or planning to one day spank their children.

• Serious disagreements with you about how children should be raised (yes, you should discuss this early and often if you hope to have kids with this person).

• Being unable to ever take a caretaking role with you, such as by tending to you when you are sick or grieving.

• Road rage. Road rage is not an “abuse warning sign.” It is an act of abuse.

• Emotional abuse, especially:

  • calling you names

  • making fun of your emotions

  • speaking negatively to or about you in front of other people

The most important red flag of all

The most important red flag of all comes from your intuition about the relationship. Early on, a relationship should be satisfying, happy, and easy. It should not make you feel bad or stressed (though a good relationship with a solid person may challenge you—for instance, by causing you to notice problematic ideas). A partner who hurts your feelings, makes you do more work than he will do, emotionally abandons or abuses you, or in any way at all makes your life worse is not a good partner.

You do not owe anyone a relationship or a chance. And relationships are typically at their best in the early days. So if the early days are awful, imagine how much worse things will get.

Readers, this comment section is open to everyone, not just paid subscribers. Please share your own red flags in the comments. I will continue to update this list, so check back frequently.