Your local YWCA often has many resources available to survivors--and you don't have to be cis female either. In my area they have a Sexual Assault Response Team, Domestic Violence Team, 24-hour hotline, a pantry and closet, counseling, support groups and financial assistance. SO much, all free of charge. Professionally done with paid secular staff, so no one will preach at you.
question, do you consider her book to be approachable to a lay person or like normal person? I'm asking because I have a story in my mind that her book will be "too academic."
I haven’t read it yet I’ve ordered and waiting for it to come so I’m not sure I just know she is the expert I think everyone should hear from. I work in DV and we utilized her as an expert for a project and she is absolutely phenomenal
Wonderful list! The book When Love Hurts by Laren McAndless Davies and Jill Cory is a good one to add to the understanding abuse list. www.whenlovehurts.ca
For whānau in Aotearoa, we’ve got the Shine helpline 0508-744-633 and Women’s Refuge 0800 733 843, and there are some great courses through Inner City Womens Group in Tāmaki Makaurau innercitywomensgroup.org.nz including "Breaking the Cycle" and "Reclaiming Myself" which you can do without leaving the relationship if you're in the "looking for tools to fix this" stage. Also there is family violence leave available so you can have flexible work arrangements or take up to 10 days paid time off work for things like moving, counselling, attending appointments and court.
Understanding the legal system: One Mom’s Battle and Wings for Justice
For Christian women: Natalie Hoffman (good books and support groups for survivors) and Tia Levings (for those ready to detangle toxic beliefs and heal from fundamentalism/Evangelicalism.
Confusiontoclaritynow.com helped me tremendously to learn about covert abuse. Calledtopeace.org offers classes for domestic violence advocacy and can help find you an advocate if you need one. They are a Christian group. Most churches are horrible in dealing with abuse and actually perpetuate abusive relationships. Called to Peace not only helps individuals but is also working to educate churches. Onemomsbattle.org is great if you are dealing with family court. And the founder, Tina Swithin, has several books and resources. Books by Debbie Mirza, Leslie Vernick, Patricia Evans, David Hawkins and of course Lundy Bancroft. You tube videos and books by Dr. Ramani.
The Queensland State Government (Australia) have compiled a document listing the support available to people experiencing DFV from all the major banks operating in Australia. Most individual bank websites have info too.
I was the one who made the comment about Jewish loans and I think Zawn may have copy pasted the mistake in my comment - to be clear the Jewish loans aren’t free, they are interest free. And for larger amounts (say > $2000) you may need a co-signer. Also I believe they are worldwide - not just the US.
Ï would vote against "Codependent no more" on the list, it is a problematic victim blaming book.
Also there should be a trigger warning for The body keeps score. Whilst the book is very interesting and has lots of merit to it. There are some problematic stories in the beginning, where eg the author makes us feel bad for an American soldier killing and raping innocent people during Vietnam war (supposedly due to his own trauma), even though this soldier never faced any accountability for his actions and these actions are not condemned in the book at all.
Books I would recommend:
Dr. Ramani: Should I stay or should I go
Pete Walker: Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving
I know "Codependent No More" has room for criticism, for sure (I am not a fan of the spiritual elements to it), but I think it's still a really helpful book for recognizing the patterns many of us finds ourselves in of depleting ourselves. For me, at least, this book was actually the first step to recognizing and breaking the abusive pattern I was in with my ex before I was even able to comprehend it as abuse. It has value for many.
For an alternative to The Body Keeps the Score, I'd recommend Judith Herman's foundational Trauma and Recovery. While it's really more about understanding trauma and its impacts, her book makes the important point that, despite several attemtps by researchers to find other factors, the only commonality among female domestic abuse victims is that they are women. In other words, demolishing the myth that it's some behavior or pattern among women that leads to them becoming victims of abuse.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans is helpful to recognize covert, emotional abuse.
If you are in the U.S., get to know the social welfare programs in your state and learn if you would qualify when you leave. Search "women's resource center" and your city.
Your local YWCA often has many resources available to survivors--and you don't have to be cis female either. In my area they have a Sexual Assault Response Team, Domestic Violence Team, 24-hour hotline, a pantry and closet, counseling, support groups and financial assistance. SO much, all free of charge. Professionally done with paid secular staff, so no one will preach at you.
Emma Katz book - coercive control in children and mothers lives
question, do you consider her book to be approachable to a lay person or like normal person? I'm asking because I have a story in my mind that her book will be "too academic."
I haven’t read it yet I’ve ordered and waiting for it to come so I’m not sure I just know she is the expert I think everyone should hear from. I work in DV and we utilized her as an expert for a project and she is absolutely phenomenal
There are good podcasts with her discussing the findings. I just listened to her one with filia on spotify
I would add "The Myth of Normal" by Gabor Mate right next to "The Body Keeps the Score." Excellent book about trauma.
Wonderful list! The book When Love Hurts by Laren McAndless Davies and Jill Cory is a good one to add to the understanding abuse list. www.whenlovehurts.ca
For whānau in Aotearoa, we’ve got the Shine helpline 0508-744-633 and Women’s Refuge 0800 733 843, and there are some great courses through Inner City Womens Group in Tāmaki Makaurau innercitywomensgroup.org.nz including "Breaking the Cycle" and "Reclaiming Myself" which you can do without leaving the relationship if you're in the "looking for tools to fix this" stage. Also there is family violence leave available so you can have flexible work arrangements or take up to 10 days paid time off work for things like moving, counselling, attending appointments and court.
Excellent book for victims/survivors and their family and friends trying to understand is “How He Gets Into Her Head” by Don Hennessy
Safe Havens for pets can be found locally here:
https://awionline.org/content/safe-havens-pets
Understanding the legal system: One Mom’s Battle and Wings for Justice
For Christian women: Natalie Hoffman (good books and support groups for survivors) and Tia Levings (for those ready to detangle toxic beliefs and heal from fundamentalism/Evangelicalism.
Guide for family and friends: http://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/A4_AllyDoc_web82520.pdf
Abuse guides in 115 languages and support internationally: https://www.hotpeachpages.net/
I second the Don Hennessy recommendation. That book is absolutely life changing and every victim of abuse should read.
Betrayal, Trauma, Recovery: https://www.btr.org/group/ has helped me a lot. They offer group sessions daily and support.
In Australia, you can go to askizzy.org.au and search resources in your local area.
Parenting advice and support from a mom who’s lived it and an expert who works in the field and researches it:
https://www.coercivecontrolconsulting.com
https://www.instagram.com/dr.cocchiola_coercivecontrol?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Confusiontoclaritynow.com helped me tremendously to learn about covert abuse. Calledtopeace.org offers classes for domestic violence advocacy and can help find you an advocate if you need one. They are a Christian group. Most churches are horrible in dealing with abuse and actually perpetuate abusive relationships. Called to Peace not only helps individuals but is also working to educate churches. Onemomsbattle.org is great if you are dealing with family court. And the founder, Tina Swithin, has several books and resources. Books by Debbie Mirza, Leslie Vernick, Patricia Evans, David Hawkins and of course Lundy Bancroft. You tube videos and books by Dr. Ramani.
The Queensland State Government (Australia) have compiled a document listing the support available to people experiencing DFV from all the major banks operating in Australia. Most individual bank websites have info too.
https://www.publications.qld.gov.au/ckan-publications-attachments-prod/resources/dd034b75-ba86-48d1-ab45-d6094b527a56/financial-institutions-with-dfv-support.pdf?ETag=813d5538a3f8c9cfe3798e20db3e5891
I was the one who made the comment about Jewish loans and I think Zawn may have copy pasted the mistake in my comment - to be clear the Jewish loans aren’t free, they are interest free. And for larger amounts (say > $2000) you may need a co-signer. Also I believe they are worldwide - not just the US.
Ï would vote against "Codependent no more" on the list, it is a problematic victim blaming book.
Also there should be a trigger warning for The body keeps score. Whilst the book is very interesting and has lots of merit to it. There are some problematic stories in the beginning, where eg the author makes us feel bad for an American soldier killing and raping innocent people during Vietnam war (supposedly due to his own trauma), even though this soldier never faced any accountability for his actions and these actions are not condemned in the book at all.
Books I would recommend:
Dr. Ramani: Should I stay or should I go
Pete Walker: Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving
I know "Codependent No More" has room for criticism, for sure (I am not a fan of the spiritual elements to it), but I think it's still a really helpful book for recognizing the patterns many of us finds ourselves in of depleting ourselves. For me, at least, this book was actually the first step to recognizing and breaking the abusive pattern I was in with my ex before I was even able to comprehend it as abuse. It has value for many.
For an alternative to The Body Keeps the Score, I'd recommend Judith Herman's foundational Trauma and Recovery. While it's really more about understanding trauma and its impacts, her book makes the important point that, despite several attemtps by researchers to find other factors, the only commonality among female domestic abuse victims is that they are women. In other words, demolishing the myth that it's some behavior or pattern among women that leads to them becoming victims of abuse.
I want to add 1800RESPECT which is the national DV hotline for Australia
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans is helpful to recognize covert, emotional abuse.
If you are in the U.S., get to know the social welfare programs in your state and learn if you would qualify when you leave. Search "women's resource center" and your city.
When the Body Says No by Dr. Gabor Maté and The Joyous Recovery by Lundy Bancroft. I second Will I Ever Be Free of You? by Dr. Karyl McBride.