The arguments sexist men use in fights--and what they really mean (paid subscriber bonus)

They'll do anything to escape accountability.

One of the great tragedies of patriarchy is that it makes it very difficult for women to have individual intimate relationships with men. That’s because, without significant work on the man’s part, a man in a relationship with a woman will inevitable rely on stereotypes, patriarchal norms, and the abusive behavior patriarchy teaches him. So while the woman thinks she's having a relationship between two people and talking about their individual problems, she’s really having a relationship with the patriarchy via a man who parrots whatever it teaches him.

Women in relationships with men often write to me and tell me the exact same story. Yet they all think their partner is unique. Maybe he’s not that bad. Maybe she deserves the abuse. Maybe she’s too sensitive. Maybe the fact that he’s nice sometimes means he’s not really an asshole. Women are taught, from birth, to believe that they are the problem, to think that the only way to not deserve abuse is through consistent perfection.

This is why so many men use the exact same playbook. It works well, because women have been devalued and demoralized their whole lives, all while being taught to cater to their abusers.

Understanding that your relationship problems are political, not personal, is the first step toward not letting the abuse hurt you so much—and maybe toward getting out.

That’s why I’ve spent the last several weeks covering many of the most common tools sexist men use in fights. And while I think it’s helpful to continue breaking these tools down piece by piece and offering useful retorts, ultimately the reasons for these arguments—as well as what they really mean—are all pretty simple. So here’s a roundup of what your male partner and other sexist men in your life mean when they gaslight you, insist you’re too sensitive, or try to convince you the problem is your unreasonable standards.

You’re too sensitive!

“I want to be mean to you without having to deal with your feelings.”