19 Comments

The most devastating abusive tactic I've been subjected to over multiple abusers is the idea that my natural attempts at closeness--physical, emotional, what have you--are not only inappropriate amd anxiety-inducing, but borderline stalker behavior. This from people who were explicitly my boyfriends or best friends and they stated as much. The relationship was NOT all in my head, but they treated me like I moved too fast just because they didn't want to give back.

Having "boundaries" weaponized against me like that did much more lasting damage than any of the physical or sexual abuse I've been through.

Expand full comment

That’s the crumbs they give women, making them hunger for love, affection, & approval. They withhold all of that as their form of abuse and make you think you did something wrong because you didn’t succumb to every whim. It’s just another way to control someone.

Expand full comment

And when you grow up with parents in this cycle you think that’s what love is. It took me a decade after my divorce and completing Masters research to finally understand I had been the victim of abuse during and after my marriage. I thought my family of origin was normal, turns out they’re not!

Expand full comment

This is what I’ve experienced in 2 different relationships. After the first time, I thought I would never get there again but I did. 😞 the second relationship I ended up marrying him. He was just smarter and withheld from getting physical for much longer. It only took once and I got out of there. I moved us by my family so I couldn’t be isolated anymore in the small town where I had no family and he was the big fish in a little pond with connections to law enforcement and healthcare. (Yup my ER visit out of town for some reason records disappeared...)

I’m now separated and waiting for the divorce to be finalised any day now

Expand full comment

I mapped this cycle for a couple of years prior to leaving, before I even knew it was thing other people mapped. I blamed myself, my periods, you name it. But I knew I was happening. And then when I found it was a documented thing, it all validated me

Once I left, it ramped up HUGELY. Me leaving was abusive to him, so he reacted massively to my 'abandonment' of him. Over the last 2-3 years I have still been exposed to this cyclic pattern of abuse, even this week - This post is timely.

He was a chronic pot user, beer drinking alcoholic, and suffered (IMO) Traumatic brain injury from concussions via sport and has consistently refused to address any of these issues. I would get upset and end up screaming at him, about these issues and how they impacted the family. Me yelling is now his experience of abuse. I was the abusive one. I even hit him once (mentioned in another thread) as he was drunk driving me and the kids and drove dangerously while arguing and made me feel we would crash. He hit me back in front of the kids etc, and I am the abusive one because I HIT HIM. And its hard to ignore all of those statements when they are thrown at you over and over again. I would feel shame and remorse and beg for forgiveness and even now I still feel guilt and over empathy for 'ruining his life' as we progress through a slow financial separation, in which I 'Take all his money'....

This cycle is real and evident and I have empirical evidence to show I am being abused, that my rational brain completely understands - but that my emotional brain cant keep in the forefront, and I instead fall into depths of despair and remorse.

I have recently started a relationship with a VERY emotionally intelligent and gentle human, who understands the situation I am in and nurtures me well and appropriately. There are good people out there. But I'm still on a long road of recovery and guard my heart well.

Thank you Zawn, for the clarity of this post. This stuff is REAL. Even if the perp doesn't do it consciously (which is the benefit of the doubt I still apply to my Ex). But the point there is, that they need to CONSCIOUSLY see that it happens and take steps to stop the cycle. If they dont, it doesnt matter if its Unconscious or not. Its still an abuse pattern.

Expand full comment

I also read back on posts like this and question if I am actually the emotional abuser who is responsible for this cycle. I am the Gas Lighter, not him. Its a vicious circle.

Expand full comment

I was also labeled the abuser and gaslighter toward the end and my emotional brain takes that to heart when it shouldn't. I know exactly what you mean by that.

You are NOT the abuser.

I am glad to hear you are seeing someone who sounds like a good person. I also have found one recently. I am being cautious but trying to stay open-minded. So far, he's exhibited only green flags from Zawn's list which is exciting but I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop because ... men.

Expand full comment

Thank you for commenting. I've read Zawn's Green Flag list before, but not in the context of my new boyfriend... I decided to go do that thanks to your reminder and we have hit every flag... wow. YAY for me! And good for you too. Yes, things can change over time, so I am going slowly. Chin up strong human!

Expand full comment

I needed to read this.

Years of emotional abuse, sprinkled with some sexual and financial abuse, drive me to an emotional affair 2 years ago. In marriage counselling, my husbands non negotiable was for me to cut all contact with the other man. I did. My non negotiable was that he seek therapy for his anger and abuse issues. It’s been 18 months and he still makes excuses a lot why he can’t / won’t go to therapy. And now, on top of everything else, when I try to address the anger / abuse, it’s automatically my fault because of my affair .... even though the problems existed LONG before that.

Expand full comment

Oh mate, this is so not fair. Its always all our fault. You pulled through on your end of the deal and he didnt and yet its still your fault. Impossible

Expand full comment

He will always use that to avoid his responsibility of being a good partner too. It's not cool and you deserve better.

Expand full comment

My ex was like this. He came from a place of: you've done wrong and hurt me/made me anxious/made me feel paranoid/like I can't trust you, so I'm going to tear you down cause it makes me feel better about how you make me feel.

Expand full comment

“It’s not like I beat the shit out of you”. My emotionally and verbally abusive ex husband actually said this to me. He then went on to mention that even women who are beat by their significant others have more love for the men then I had for him. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t love him anymore. Still doesn’t get why I “gave up” on our marriage.

Expand full comment

That sounds exactly like my current husband who is emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive to me. On top of all of that, he is a raging high functioning alcoholic who absolutely refuses to acknowledge that he has created the toxic marriage environment where I will not have sex with him and he wants to call me a cold bitch. I am at the point where I am going to consult with a lawyer and see what hoops I need to jump through to get out of this toxic abusive cycle :(

Expand full comment

Such a good and succinct explanation of a very difficult topic to explain. One thing I’d add is in between the tension building and abuse there is another stage I’d call something like “intuition and escalation”. As the tension would build my own intuition would think something was wrong. My own sense of empathy, resourcefulness, willingness to take responsibility and want to do personal growth would compel me to say something like “is anything wrong?” This would then turn into the abuse stage which many times sounded like “nothing is wrong, why would you think that?” (Gaslighting). More tension and I’d ask again. Answered maybe the same a few times and eventually something like “yes, there’s something wrong, it’s that you.....” (insert think something is wrong when it’s not, don’t have enough sex, are focused on things other than our relationship, etc). I’d then try to be better and the cycle would repeat. More escalation to yelling or physical isn’t needed as long as the victim is consistently trying to be better. It really is a nice system for an abuser.

Expand full comment

"I'd then try to be better ..."

This broke me. We put so much on ourselves that is not our responsibility. I would make pacts with myself, "I'll be the best freakin wife ever so he can't complain about anything!" Only for the cycle to resume.

How can so many men lack basic empathy for other human beings?

Expand full comment

Emotional abuse is simply horrible, and at the base of any type of domestic abuse. But the popular ‘more harmful than physical’ meme is problematic. Physical abuse is just one form of emotional abuse, and it is meant to create the constant fear that survivors feel as emotional hell. it’s saying that feeds into shame about physical abuse, and breaks abused women into classes. Many women talk about the emotional abuse but deny being physically abused due to shame and stigma. That is their right. But I was beaten and strangled and I say it upfront because I know many others are too. No the emotional was not “worse” than the physical, that’s a false dichotomy, it’s all one awful continuum, all dehumanization in different forms. Non-assaultive abuse doesn’t have to be “worse “ than thinking you’re actually at the point of death to be taken seriously.

Expand full comment

"Society does not recognize emotional abuse as abuse. So the victim might not either. And even if she does, the people in her life will try to convince her that it’s really not that bad." ~Zawn

This! There is so much in this post that I think I'll have to go back and re-read a dozen times over the next few months. But society not recognizing or validating the harm of the abuse is so woven throughout the harm that is caused. My ex-therapist refused to acknowledge it and said I just had to try harder. Our marriage counselor spent whole sessions validating my husband and had no advice about how I could feel more seen and heard in our marriage. My own mom and brother are demanding to know why I'm filing for divorce after the decades of emotional, mental and financial abuse.

Expand full comment

I grew up with my parents abusing each other. Then I got married and thought abusive behavior was normal. Luckily, my body was starting to fall apart and I had a wake up call. I've since separated because I don't want to let my kids think that cycle is normal.

Being on the other side, I often think back and wonder how I thought any of that was OK. But it all starts slowly, like a slow simmering pot.

Expand full comment
Error