The comment about remembering their Father-in-law or remembering to buy their Father and Father-in-laws gifts hit home. I'd never thought about it. Gosh we really do everything don't we?
Recently separated and in process of divorcing my kids’ father. They are 20, 18, and 15 so they handle their own gifts to us now. My thing is that my ex is so angry about the situation that he did not wish me a happy Mother’s Day in any way or form. I believe myself to be a person of integrity and want to set a good example for my kids. So I’m debating buying him a card, perhaps a small token. I’m not sure. He’s really confirmed for me in the last several months why I left him and made me more sure everyday that I made the right choice. This all hits home. Especially how much women’s unpaid labor is unrecognized and unappreciated. I’ve been a SAHM for 18 years, a choice we have made together several times. But when we separated, he suddenly felt zero obligation to me or the kids and argued he shouldn’t pay me any support and that I should “just go get a job.” Luckily the court felt otherwise. He doesn’t deserve a gesture from me but I want to be the bigger person. I don’t however want to send the message that how he has treated me is ok. Not sure what I’m going to do.
I think you've presented plenty of good modeling to your children by divorcing a POS who clearly made their mother miserable. You're no longer married for all intents and purposes; all that's left is the paperwork. Perhaps now is the time to start caring for you and heal all the wounds he has clearly inflicted on you.
You're the bigger person already. Sending a card may very well just open you up to more abuse because it's a hook, whether for argument ("You didn't do enough") or manipulation ("If you care enough to send a card, can't we try one more time to make this work?").
I was planning on taking my daughter's father out for lunch along with my own (barely present) father. These are the same men who COMPLETELY ignored Mother's Day (as they always do) despite knowing how much it means to me (and even if it didnt mean much to me my daughter's father should at least acknowledge his appreciation for everything I do). After reading this, I've decided to abandon the whole plan, and I WILL be telling them in no uncertain terms why they're getting fuck all. I can't wait to see their faces.
Abandon all bad behavior. I was at dinner out with my family today and my husband tried to start a fight at the table. I asked him “what is your deal?/what are you on about??” Then never looked at him rest of meal. I talked to my kids. I decided to go from nice family mom/date to not interested in any of it due to the abuse. REGARDLESS. After reading this sub, I knew I had Zawn and this community no matter what she-nana he played at dinner. I abandoned talking to him no announcing it or otherwise (thank you therapy!) and it did work out well this time. He went and did his own thing after dinner too - which takes me back to about February when I had my own hotel room, far away, for a night I went to a small venue concert, then got dominoes and watched what I wanted at a volume I wanted. First time and prob the last I’d say; the manipulator is always manipulating.
Can we also look at the heavily gendered gifts for mothers & fathers day? We don’t need another effing tea towel, nobody likes doing the dishes, thanks for reminding us we should be in the kitchen! Would love a comparison of the difference in costs of the expected gift items, not to mention the overtly sexist/derogatory things for fathers day?
I’ve lost count of the items advertised on fb, with comments such as “Dad, thanks for nailing mum”, inscribed on a hammer.
Only joking, right! How many only joking’s before it can be considered a regular pattern of behaviour and deliberate conditioning/normalisation of misogynistic behaviour.
It was Father's day 2022 that ended my relationship with childrens dad. I'd already quiet quit ages before that but that was the final straw.
We actually had a nice day at his sisters. Of course he got praised and celebrated and given gifts and told what an amazing daddy he is. I didn't do anything, no card, gift or otherwise. I was already done.
Then at bedtime he wouldn't allow me 10 minutes to decompress before starting bedtime, and screamed at the children to get out of his way, then told me to f off in front of the kids, then went and drank a whole bottle of wine and came upstairs not knowing where the bedroom was.
I woke up the next day and made my decision...
He claims there was no lead up to the huge meltdown /abusive episode but I think he felt entitled to special treatment that day (having escalated his abuse of me the previous weeks) and got big mad when I didn't deliver. I hadn't given him anything for his bday either the previous month.
Yuck. He did not wish me happy mothers day this year, last year he did a last min dash to the shop in the morning to get flowers and chocolate. So I won't be wishing him happy fathers day this year.
Don’t forget they won’t hear this either “why I should I celebrate you on Father’s Day? You are not MY father.”
omg adding right now.
The comment about remembering their Father-in-law or remembering to buy their Father and Father-in-laws gifts hit home. I'd never thought about it. Gosh we really do everything don't we?
Recently separated and in process of divorcing my kids’ father. They are 20, 18, and 15 so they handle their own gifts to us now. My thing is that my ex is so angry about the situation that he did not wish me a happy Mother’s Day in any way or form. I believe myself to be a person of integrity and want to set a good example for my kids. So I’m debating buying him a card, perhaps a small token. I’m not sure. He’s really confirmed for me in the last several months why I left him and made me more sure everyday that I made the right choice. This all hits home. Especially how much women’s unpaid labor is unrecognized and unappreciated. I’ve been a SAHM for 18 years, a choice we have made together several times. But when we separated, he suddenly felt zero obligation to me or the kids and argued he shouldn’t pay me any support and that I should “just go get a job.” Luckily the court felt otherwise. He doesn’t deserve a gesture from me but I want to be the bigger person. I don’t however want to send the message that how he has treated me is ok. Not sure what I’m going to do.
I think you've presented plenty of good modeling to your children by divorcing a POS who clearly made their mother miserable. You're no longer married for all intents and purposes; all that's left is the paperwork. Perhaps now is the time to start caring for you and heal all the wounds he has clearly inflicted on you.
You're the bigger person already. Sending a card may very well just open you up to more abuse because it's a hook, whether for argument ("You didn't do enough") or manipulation ("If you care enough to send a card, can't we try one more time to make this work?").
I don’t know what you like or want, so I didn’t get you anything!
I was planning on taking my daughter's father out for lunch along with my own (barely present) father. These are the same men who COMPLETELY ignored Mother's Day (as they always do) despite knowing how much it means to me (and even if it didnt mean much to me my daughter's father should at least acknowledge his appreciation for everything I do). After reading this, I've decided to abandon the whole plan, and I WILL be telling them in no uncertain terms why they're getting fuck all. I can't wait to see their faces.
To daughters father "youre not MY father" to your dad... "I dont know what you want or like so I just didn't get you anything :) "
Abandon all bad behavior. I was at dinner out with my family today and my husband tried to start a fight at the table. I asked him “what is your deal?/what are you on about??” Then never looked at him rest of meal. I talked to my kids. I decided to go from nice family mom/date to not interested in any of it due to the abuse. REGARDLESS. After reading this sub, I knew I had Zawn and this community no matter what she-nana he played at dinner. I abandoned talking to him no announcing it or otherwise (thank you therapy!) and it did work out well this time. He went and did his own thing after dinner too - which takes me back to about February when I had my own hotel room, far away, for a night I went to a small venue concert, then got dominoes and watched what I wanted at a volume I wanted. First time and prob the last I’d say; the manipulator is always manipulating.
You are a hero. Please report back. Take your power back. I love it.
Can we also look at the heavily gendered gifts for mothers & fathers day? We don’t need another effing tea towel, nobody likes doing the dishes, thanks for reminding us we should be in the kitchen! Would love a comparison of the difference in costs of the expected gift items, not to mention the overtly sexist/derogatory things for fathers day?
I’ve lost count of the items advertised on fb, with comments such as “Dad, thanks for nailing mum”, inscribed on a hammer.
Only joking, right! How many only joking’s before it can be considered a regular pattern of behaviour and deliberate conditioning/normalisation of misogynistic behaviour.
Omg that’s so gross!
It was Father's day 2022 that ended my relationship with childrens dad. I'd already quiet quit ages before that but that was the final straw.
We actually had a nice day at his sisters. Of course he got praised and celebrated and given gifts and told what an amazing daddy he is. I didn't do anything, no card, gift or otherwise. I was already done.
Then at bedtime he wouldn't allow me 10 minutes to decompress before starting bedtime, and screamed at the children to get out of his way, then told me to f off in front of the kids, then went and drank a whole bottle of wine and came upstairs not knowing where the bedroom was.
I woke up the next day and made my decision...
He claims there was no lead up to the huge meltdown /abusive episode but I think he felt entitled to special treatment that day (having escalated his abuse of me the previous weeks) and got big mad when I didn't deliver. I hadn't given him anything for his bday either the previous month.
Yuck. He did not wish me happy mothers day this year, last year he did a last min dash to the shop in the morning to get flowers and chocolate. So I won't be wishing him happy fathers day this year.
Good fucking riddance to him. Ugh.
Wife wakes up, realises it's father's day... Jumps online, orders random gift. Grunts at husband... "Your present is in the mail". Present arrives 3 weeks later.
Oh gawds, I heard all of that in that marriage to a low-value man. He must own the encyclopedia of low-value men playbooks.