Things we never say to men on Father's Day

Isn't it interesting how, on Father's Day, we praise fathers for doing the same things we criticize mothers for?

Happy fucking Father’s Day.

Are you ready to spend the next several days hearing about how great and talented and brave and brilliant men are for giving their kids food, showing up in public with them, and not usually accidentally killing them?

I know I am.

But before we go any further, let me just go ahead and insert my mandatory #notallmen disclaimer: Some men are great fathers. There is nothing inevitable about male laziness and shittiness. Good fathers, however, care about the shittines of bad fathers. They care about how these fathers get of scot-free. They care about how these fathers harm their children. They care about how women are left exhausted and demoralized, damaging an entire community. So if you find yourself wanting to tell me it’s not all men, that’s all fine and well, but it’s definitely you! Anyway, the problem is that there is no bar for men, and the bar for women is unreachable. This is unfair and wrong, and you should care about it rather than acting as if the proposition that it’s not all men is earth-shattering and somehow undermines the feminist project. Oh and PS. My husband gave me a great Mother’s Day, as he has every year, so I’m giving him a great Father’s Day because 1) fair is fair; and 2) he’s a great father, so shut the fuck up about how bitter I am, you loser incel troll. I just happen to care about other people.

Anyway.

One glorious month ago, mothers across the globe basked in the glory of maternal greatness, as their husbands and children honored their contributions, their sacrifice, their goodness.

Just kidding. Most mothers got up early, cleaned the house, and got nothing from their spouse except maybe a guilt trip. Because men are indoctrinated from birth to believe that they should not have to give or sacrifice for women, including the women who risk their lives to make their children. And mothers are taught that the mere act of wanting things makes them monsters, so most don’t push back too much.

But now. Now the real heroes of the family are finally going to get the celebration they deserve. Undaunted by the fact that they didn’t lift a goddamn finger for Mother’s Day, they’ve now got big plans. Because in patriarchal society and the marriages it produces, we don’t even have to pretend that things are equal. Men are perfectly comfortable refusing to celebrate their wives for doing way more than they do, and then demanding that they be celebrated for doing way less.

And wives and mothers are going to live up to those plans, or they’re going to pay the price in the form of moodiness, guilt trips, mom-shaming, and other delightful tools of male aggression.

The message is clear: Women’s work matters less than men. Women’s time doesn’t count, and women owe men—never the other way around.

We would never say to men most of the things we say to moms. Imagine if we did. Here are some examples of things most men will never hear on Father’s Day:

• “What? You don’t want to spend all day with your kids, cook dinner for the family, and clean up after everyone?! Do you even care about your kids? You’re a bad father.”

• “Your children are your presents! You shouldn’t need material things or special outings. They shouldn’t have to prove they love you.”

• “We don’t need a special day to celebrate you. We should celebrate you every day! That’s why we’re not celebrating you today.”

• “I don’t believe in capitalist holidays.”

• “Father’s Day is just a made-up hallmark holiday. No, I don’t care if it’s important to you. We’re not celebrating it.”

• “Don’t forget you’ll need to spend all day on Father’s Day honoring your wife’s father.”

• “Remember to buy Father’s Day presents for your wife’s father and your own father. Women just can’t remember these sorts of things.”

• “Why are you so obsessed with celebrating Father’s Day? Why do you have to be so bitter and materialistic? God, fathers are obsessed with talking about themselves.”

• “You should be grateful that you get to spend all day with your kids while your wife golfs!”

• “Your wife works hard for this family. Why are you demanding she do even more for you on Father’s Day?”

• “Why should I celebrate you on Father’s Day? You’re not MY father!”

But seriously, happy Father’s Day. May your husband/babydaddy/male partner enjoy the exact same level of pampering he offered you on Mother’s Day, and may he only receive compliments that society would also give a mother.

Readers, what’s your favorite bullshit line mothers routinely hear, but that we’ll never say to fathers on Father’s Day?