My husband and I share a business. Well, technically we do, we are partners and split profits 50/50. The overall business actually is made up of four smaller businesses in the same field; two that he does solely (video editing and web design) one I do solely (photography editing), one we do tog…
My husband and I share a business. Well, technically we do, we are partners and split profits 50/50. The overall business actually is made up of four smaller businesses in the same field; two that he does solely (video editing and web design) one I do solely (photography editing), one we do together (wedding photography). My sole business makes 70% of our total gross profit and 80% of our total net profit.
In terms of our joint enterprise, he charges batteries the night before and turns up on the day to photography. I do all of the admin, advertising, the post-processing after the event, all correspondence, taxes and accounts, most of the social media, the planning/prep for the day and organising on the day.
And yet, because my husband clicks his finger in the camera button on the group photos, the only part of the day where all the guests actively see us taking charge, the assumption is that it’s his business and I just tag along, like a cute little sidekick. I have planned the entire day, taken charge of all of the bridal preparation shots, choose the best location for group photos and the married couple’s portraits; pose the couple for every single couples portrait, organise the guests and family in the group shots, talk the couple through what’s happening next at every stage, speak to the event planner, turn the wedding party photos into a fun and memorable group experience that they talk about for years after. We get guests coming to us at every wedding to day how impressed they are with how efficient the group photos were, which is due to my pre planning and work on the day.
And yet still, people talk to my husband as if he is the one in charge and I just tag along for funsies. Technical questions go to him. Questions about the day go to him. Conversations start by addressing him and any business questions are directed to him. My taking charge of the group photos is always joked about as me being bossy and him being the long suffering husband who is indulging his little wife by having her there, all rolling their eyes at me good naturedly, and quipping about who wears the trouser. All as a joke at my expense, whilst he makes sure they know that he knows what he’s doing but let’s me ‘have my moment’ because he’s just such a loving husband (but God, aren’t I a nag?!). He loves to tell them how he’s been a photographer for years longer than me, and that one day he let me tag along and it turned out I wasn’t too bad.
At one wedding, a particularly obnoxious Best Man took exception at me asking him (and all the others) to remove large items from his pockets for a couple of group photos. He kept poking at me and deliberately dragging out the wedding party shoot time, and when I continued to organise and corale people despite him, he asked me what it was like to live off all the money my husband’s business was making.
And then there are the drunk men who thing it’s ok to hit on me or make lewd comments, then apologise to my husband in that ‘boys will be boys’ way. Occasionally a drunk female guest will make inappropriate comments to my husband which he laps up and says self-depracating things like ‘oh, it’s normally my wife getting chatted up, not me!’ Nobody ever apologises to me.
I also do 90% of the domestic labour for our family - physical, mental and emotional. I never stop, have no leisure time and yet get berated for working too much, accused of nagging when I try to hold him accountable, blamed for his lack of contribution because of my ‘attitude’ or my ‘coldness’ because I don’t want to have sex with a man who shows me so little respect.
And God forbid I should get behind with a deadline in our joint business because I am overworked and burning out. Suddenly, the man who takes no interest in the day to day running of our business is on my case, berating me for not being able to keep up. Interestingly, he seems to step this up a notch when a male contacts us to ask for a delivery date; two notches if it’s a man he knows personally. Suddenly, it’s OUR business again, and I am showing him up (apparently ‘on purpose’).
If I dare to suggest I’d have more time to work on the business if he took on some of the domestic load, I’m told I’m deflecting, that household chores have nothing to do with me ‘failing to deliver on my promises’ and are actually due to me creating ‘busy work’ instead of necessary tasks.
His solution to this? Despite doing almost zero chores and having no clue as to what running a home with children entails, he thinks we need to sit down together and agree on what is ‘actually necessary’, because apparently he and I have very different views on what really needs to be done (and he doesn’t mind mess, doesn’t even see it actually).
I burnt out Xmas 2022 after working 18-20 hour days for over 6 months and sometimes forgoing sleep entirely. Our income has dropped dramatically as I cannot keep up and I have lost clients. We are in debt. Despite this, I still outearned him by bringing in four times what he did in the last year. Instead of stepping up in the business he continued just as before, and then when bills went unpaid, it wasn’t his lack of financial contribution to blame, it was my fault for ‘wasting money’ when we had been financially sound (and I had savings set aside for us which I was forced to use to pay the mortgage and buy food). My ‘compulsive shopping habit’ (buying items for the home and business to make our lives easier, when we were financially secure, and the occasional family treat or luxury to make up for years of frugality), this was the reason we were in debt.
My unpaid labour holds no value it worth to him. My paid labour garners no recognition or acknowledgement from him. In times of financial stability he benefits from the fruits of my labour, and when times are hard he blames me for buying the very things he has enjoyed in the past.
Those around us believe I’m a workaholic who isn’t really family oriented, whilst he is super dad because we both work from home, so clearly he’s the SAHP if I’m working all the time.
There is no scenario in which I am given fair credit for success or grace when I am overwhelmed. I cannot win. But I don’t need to win, I just need what I do to be valued by someone, anyone!
You *DESERVE* to be valued, regardless of what you "do" for someone else. You *deserve* to be loved and respected. Read through your account of everything you've done, and I'm sure this is just the surface, for him every day of his life. Now can you tell me anything he's done for you? He can't (*won't) even give you credit for the massive amount of mental load you carry. 😞 I hope you can leave him and start a life without his abuse.
To walk away from someone you care about who cannot meet your needs is one of the bravest acts you can do. - Jillian Turecki
This is heartbreaking - you deserve better. Consider leaving the marriage, because it honestly sounds like you would be much better off by yourself. Big hugs from me.
I would love to see a post soon where you update us that you’ve left and taken all of your skills and business with you 🙌🏻 he would fall in a heap by the sounds of it. I know people may judge you and place blame, but they are anyway aren’t they? Do what makes YOU happy, life is far too short to be overworked and miserable 💓
I couldn't even finish reading this because I'm just too angry on your behalf. Please tell us you've already started thinking about your exit strategy. Since you contribute so little according to everybody, you might as well bow out and start your own business as a solo owner. I mean, I understand things are easier said than done, but fxxxxx... No.
Apologies in advance, this is a long rant!
My husband and I share a business. Well, technically we do, we are partners and split profits 50/50. The overall business actually is made up of four smaller businesses in the same field; two that he does solely (video editing and web design) one I do solely (photography editing), one we do together (wedding photography). My sole business makes 70% of our total gross profit and 80% of our total net profit.
In terms of our joint enterprise, he charges batteries the night before and turns up on the day to photography. I do all of the admin, advertising, the post-processing after the event, all correspondence, taxes and accounts, most of the social media, the planning/prep for the day and organising on the day.
And yet, because my husband clicks his finger in the camera button on the group photos, the only part of the day where all the guests actively see us taking charge, the assumption is that it’s his business and I just tag along, like a cute little sidekick. I have planned the entire day, taken charge of all of the bridal preparation shots, choose the best location for group photos and the married couple’s portraits; pose the couple for every single couples portrait, organise the guests and family in the group shots, talk the couple through what’s happening next at every stage, speak to the event planner, turn the wedding party photos into a fun and memorable group experience that they talk about for years after. We get guests coming to us at every wedding to day how impressed they are with how efficient the group photos were, which is due to my pre planning and work on the day.
And yet still, people talk to my husband as if he is the one in charge and I just tag along for funsies. Technical questions go to him. Questions about the day go to him. Conversations start by addressing him and any business questions are directed to him. My taking charge of the group photos is always joked about as me being bossy and him being the long suffering husband who is indulging his little wife by having her there, all rolling their eyes at me good naturedly, and quipping about who wears the trouser. All as a joke at my expense, whilst he makes sure they know that he knows what he’s doing but let’s me ‘have my moment’ because he’s just such a loving husband (but God, aren’t I a nag?!). He loves to tell them how he’s been a photographer for years longer than me, and that one day he let me tag along and it turned out I wasn’t too bad.
At one wedding, a particularly obnoxious Best Man took exception at me asking him (and all the others) to remove large items from his pockets for a couple of group photos. He kept poking at me and deliberately dragging out the wedding party shoot time, and when I continued to organise and corale people despite him, he asked me what it was like to live off all the money my husband’s business was making.
And then there are the drunk men who thing it’s ok to hit on me or make lewd comments, then apologise to my husband in that ‘boys will be boys’ way. Occasionally a drunk female guest will make inappropriate comments to my husband which he laps up and says self-depracating things like ‘oh, it’s normally my wife getting chatted up, not me!’ Nobody ever apologises to me.
I also do 90% of the domestic labour for our family - physical, mental and emotional. I never stop, have no leisure time and yet get berated for working too much, accused of nagging when I try to hold him accountable, blamed for his lack of contribution because of my ‘attitude’ or my ‘coldness’ because I don’t want to have sex with a man who shows me so little respect.
And God forbid I should get behind with a deadline in our joint business because I am overworked and burning out. Suddenly, the man who takes no interest in the day to day running of our business is on my case, berating me for not being able to keep up. Interestingly, he seems to step this up a notch when a male contacts us to ask for a delivery date; two notches if it’s a man he knows personally. Suddenly, it’s OUR business again, and I am showing him up (apparently ‘on purpose’).
If I dare to suggest I’d have more time to work on the business if he took on some of the domestic load, I’m told I’m deflecting, that household chores have nothing to do with me ‘failing to deliver on my promises’ and are actually due to me creating ‘busy work’ instead of necessary tasks.
His solution to this? Despite doing almost zero chores and having no clue as to what running a home with children entails, he thinks we need to sit down together and agree on what is ‘actually necessary’, because apparently he and I have very different views on what really needs to be done (and he doesn’t mind mess, doesn’t even see it actually).
I burnt out Xmas 2022 after working 18-20 hour days for over 6 months and sometimes forgoing sleep entirely. Our income has dropped dramatically as I cannot keep up and I have lost clients. We are in debt. Despite this, I still outearned him by bringing in four times what he did in the last year. Instead of stepping up in the business he continued just as before, and then when bills went unpaid, it wasn’t his lack of financial contribution to blame, it was my fault for ‘wasting money’ when we had been financially sound (and I had savings set aside for us which I was forced to use to pay the mortgage and buy food). My ‘compulsive shopping habit’ (buying items for the home and business to make our lives easier, when we were financially secure, and the occasional family treat or luxury to make up for years of frugality), this was the reason we were in debt.
My unpaid labour holds no value it worth to him. My paid labour garners no recognition or acknowledgement from him. In times of financial stability he benefits from the fruits of my labour, and when times are hard he blames me for buying the very things he has enjoyed in the past.
Those around us believe I’m a workaholic who isn’t really family oriented, whilst he is super dad because we both work from home, so clearly he’s the SAHP if I’m working all the time.
There is no scenario in which I am given fair credit for success or grace when I am overwhelmed. I cannot win. But I don’t need to win, I just need what I do to be valued by someone, anyone!
You *DESERVE* to be valued, regardless of what you "do" for someone else. You *deserve* to be loved and respected. Read through your account of everything you've done, and I'm sure this is just the surface, for him every day of his life. Now can you tell me anything he's done for you? He can't (*won't) even give you credit for the massive amount of mental load you carry. 😞 I hope you can leave him and start a life without his abuse.
To walk away from someone you care about who cannot meet your needs is one of the bravest acts you can do. - Jillian Turecki
This is heartbreaking - you deserve better. Consider leaving the marriage, because it honestly sounds like you would be much better off by yourself. Big hugs from me.
Urg! Fuck that man! And the fucking patriarchy. Dang it. Grrrr.
I would love to see a post soon where you update us that you’ve left and taken all of your skills and business with you 🙌🏻 he would fall in a heap by the sounds of it. I know people may judge you and place blame, but they are anyway aren’t they? Do what makes YOU happy, life is far too short to be overworked and miserable 💓
I couldn't even finish reading this because I'm just too angry on your behalf. Please tell us you've already started thinking about your exit strategy. Since you contribute so little according to everybody, you might as well bow out and start your own business as a solo owner. I mean, I understand things are easier said than done, but fxxxxx... No.
Are your needs met in any way by being with him? (Asking because it sounds as if likely that's NOT the case :( .)