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I recognize thoughts like this (women's work doesn't matter) within my own brain and it really disturbs me. Ironically I work full time and my husband is a stay at home dad right now. I am subscribed to your blog in an attempt to reprogram myself. Anyone have any suggestions for furthering my growth away from internalized misogyny?

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Then when you really love your job, and you are insanely frustrated because somehow you have to fit your home-based full time job around full time parenting (while your partner works away full time and does minimal parenting), your family tells you you're selfish and a bad mother. Because, as a mother, you should want to spend 24hrs a day with your kids and have no other aspirations in life.

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My own husband would regularly forget that I even had a job (that made up over half of our income) because I got up at 4am and worked my whole day while everyone was still sleeping. And THEN I was the stay at home parent all day while he went to work.

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Wow. Just wow.

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I literally save my family, close to 2k per month, not including childcare or housekeeping costs, by "not working" as a SAHM. I know, because when I was too sick to keep up with anything, that's how much our monthly expenses went up *without* us hiring anyone to help. (and we should have had help, but I was too exhausted and my husband to lazy to hire anyone).

Also, I really think we need a different word other than "work" when we are trying to differentiate between people who work *for pay* and people who work *to avoid paying*. Because all of us do one or the other, all of us work. Some of us just have an easier time "proving" it.

But, I could rage all day about this.

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Agreed on the wording issue. I guess "stay at home" is meant to be a workaround rather than describing the person raising kids / keeping a home as "not working" (which is laughably false)? But i feel like "stay-at-home" fails to capture all the work and social contributions of mothers. "Work at home" could be confused with a paid employee working remotely, but seems to more accurately capture it. Idk, would love to have a great term that captures that mothers work all the time, whether through an outside employer or within their own family

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Solo mothers seem to cop this particular, which seems completely illogical. Being a solo mother with no child support (as is very common) is the very definition of breadwinner, provider and caregiver all at once yet society judges these women as failures somehow.

It blows my mind.

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Absolutely. I was so naive before I went into motherhood solo. The 180 degree change in attitude towards me was immediate and baffling. During pregnancy and the newborn stage I was apparently “brave, strong” etc, now 2.5 years on and in the depths of toddlerhood/juggling life and finances, and it’s “well this is what you signed up for!”. Not that I complain, I just occasionally need someone to listen. It’s amazing to me. Some of the worst culprits are my Mums generation, “well I had 6 kids at your age and we lived in the bush with no electricity” kind of rhetoric. The same ones who assure you that having children is amazing and you should absolutely do it and we will support you, are the same who criticise and compare at every turn. I love my son, but it’s a bloody trap!

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Apologies in advance, this is a long rant!

My husband and I share a business. Well, technically we do, we are partners and split profits 50/50. The overall business actually is made up of four smaller businesses in the same field; two that he does solely (video editing and web design) one I do solely (photography editing), one we do together (wedding photography). My sole business makes 70% of our total gross profit and 80% of our total net profit.

In terms of our joint enterprise, he charges batteries the night before and turns up on the day to photography. I do all of the admin, advertising, the post-processing after the event, all correspondence, taxes and accounts, most of the social media, the planning/prep for the day and organising on the day.

And yet, because my husband clicks his finger in the camera button on the group photos, the only part of the day where all the guests actively see us taking charge, the assumption is that it’s his business and I just tag along, like a cute little sidekick. I have planned the entire day, taken charge of all of the bridal preparation shots, choose the best location for group photos and the married couple’s portraits; pose the couple for every single couples portrait, organise the guests and family in the group shots, talk the couple through what’s happening next at every stage, speak to the event planner, turn the wedding party photos into a fun and memorable group experience that they talk about for years after. We get guests coming to us at every wedding to day how impressed they are with how efficient the group photos were, which is due to my pre planning and work on the day.

And yet still, people talk to my husband as if he is the one in charge and I just tag along for funsies. Technical questions go to him. Questions about the day go to him. Conversations start by addressing him and any business questions are directed to him. My taking charge of the group photos is always joked about as me being bossy and him being the long suffering husband who is indulging his little wife by having her there, all rolling their eyes at me good naturedly, and quipping about who wears the trouser. All as a joke at my expense, whilst he makes sure they know that he knows what he’s doing but let’s me ‘have my moment’ because he’s just such a loving husband (but God, aren’t I a nag?!). He loves to tell them how he’s been a photographer for years longer than me, and that one day he let me tag along and it turned out I wasn’t too bad.

At one wedding, a particularly obnoxious Best Man took exception at me asking him (and all the others) to remove large items from his pockets for a couple of group photos. He kept poking at me and deliberately dragging out the wedding party shoot time, and when I continued to organise and corale people despite him, he asked me what it was like to live off all the money my husband’s business was making.

And then there are the drunk men who thing it’s ok to hit on me or make lewd comments, then apologise to my husband in that ‘boys will be boys’ way. Occasionally a drunk female guest will make inappropriate comments to my husband which he laps up and says self-depracating things like ‘oh, it’s normally my wife getting chatted up, not me!’ Nobody ever apologises to me.

I also do 90% of the domestic labour for our family - physical, mental and emotional. I never stop, have no leisure time and yet get berated for working too much, accused of nagging when I try to hold him accountable, blamed for his lack of contribution because of my ‘attitude’ or my ‘coldness’ because I don’t want to have sex with a man who shows me so little respect.

And God forbid I should get behind with a deadline in our joint business because I am overworked and burning out. Suddenly, the man who takes no interest in the day to day running of our business is on my case, berating me for not being able to keep up. Interestingly, he seems to step this up a notch when a male contacts us to ask for a delivery date; two notches if it’s a man he knows personally. Suddenly, it’s OUR business again, and I am showing him up (apparently ‘on purpose’).

If I dare to suggest I’d have more time to work on the business if he took on some of the domestic load, I’m told I’m deflecting, that household chores have nothing to do with me ‘failing to deliver on my promises’ and are actually due to me creating ‘busy work’ instead of necessary tasks.

His solution to this? Despite doing almost zero chores and having no clue as to what running a home with children entails, he thinks we need to sit down together and agree on what is ‘actually necessary’, because apparently he and I have very different views on what really needs to be done (and he doesn’t mind mess, doesn’t even see it actually).

I burnt out Xmas 2022 after working 18-20 hour days for over 6 months and sometimes forgoing sleep entirely. Our income has dropped dramatically as I cannot keep up and I have lost clients. We are in debt. Despite this, I still outearned him by bringing in four times what he did in the last year. Instead of stepping up in the business he continued just as before, and then when bills went unpaid, it wasn’t his lack of financial contribution to blame, it was my fault for ‘wasting money’ when we had been financially sound (and I had savings set aside for us which I was forced to use to pay the mortgage and buy food). My ‘compulsive shopping habit’ (buying items for the home and business to make our lives easier, when we were financially secure, and the occasional family treat or luxury to make up for years of frugality), this was the reason we were in debt.

My unpaid labour holds no value it worth to him. My paid labour garners no recognition or acknowledgement from him. In times of financial stability he benefits from the fruits of my labour, and when times are hard he blames me for buying the very things he has enjoyed in the past.

Those around us believe I’m a workaholic who isn’t really family oriented, whilst he is super dad because we both work from home, so clearly he’s the SAHP if I’m working all the time.

There is no scenario in which I am given fair credit for success or grace when I am overwhelmed. I cannot win. But I don’t need to win, I just need what I do to be valued by someone, anyone!

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You *DESERVE* to be valued, regardless of what you "do" for someone else. You *deserve* to be loved and respected. Read through your account of everything you've done, and I'm sure this is just the surface, for him every day of his life. Now can you tell me anything he's done for you? He can't (*won't) even give you credit for the massive amount of mental load you carry. 😞 I hope you can leave him and start a life without his abuse.

To walk away from someone you care about who cannot meet your needs is one of the bravest acts you can do. - Jillian Turecki

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This is heartbreaking - you deserve better. Consider leaving the marriage, because it honestly sounds like you would be much better off by yourself. Big hugs from me.

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Urg! Fuck that man! And the fucking patriarchy. Dang it. Grrrr.

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I would love to see a post soon where you update us that you’ve left and taken all of your skills and business with you 🙌🏻 he would fall in a heap by the sounds of it. I know people may judge you and place blame, but they are anyway aren’t they? Do what makes YOU happy, life is far too short to be overworked and miserable 💓

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I couldn't even finish reading this because I'm just too angry on your behalf. Please tell us you've already started thinking about your exit strategy. Since you contribute so little according to everybody, you might as well bow out and start your own business as a solo owner. I mean, I understand things are easier said than done, but fxxxxx... No.

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Are your needs met in any way by being with him? (Asking because it sounds as if likely that's NOT the case :( .)

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I chose to be a Mum on my own, and I naively thought that I wouldn’t be subject to the same crap because I didn’t have a man child around. The way people treat you as soon as you have a baby, which is one of the hardest things we will ever do, is mind blowing. I immediately noticed the change in my Dad, who went from treating me like a daughter to another Mum/Cleaner/Carer. I have been living with my parents since my son was 8 weeks old due to PND/PNA, and he’s now 2.5. My Dad is over 80 so I do blame generational conditioning (he’s not intentionally hurtful, but he also doesn’t listen or take me seriously). He didn’t do a lot around the house, but even when I was sleep deprived and crying at the drop of a hat he was happy for me to take on extra work around the house “while I’m at it”. He’s been unwell this year so it’s become worse, and I feel like I can’t say anything. I’m desperate to get out. I had to quit my job because it became so toxic, I was the Area Manager before I went on Mat leave, and then my role was given away. As soon as I became a Mum it was almost assumed I wouldn’t have the bandwidth to fulfil my role. Where I was once the person everyone went to for assistance or to get something done, it was all redirected around me, I was micromanaged and condescended to. I stepped down to a minor role for my own sake, but I couldn’t stay somewhere that treated their staff this way (especially considering the decision maker was a Mother of 4).

Anyway, sorry for the long rant! I think I’m still angry and processing. Onwards and upwards 🤞🏻

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How awful! Sending you lots of love. I hope you can get out soon.

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Thank you so much 💕

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I naively thought when I was younger that I might avoid this by going into a male-coded, high-paying engineering field and being the breadwinner.

Spoiler: It was not effective. I still get treated like I don't work, and it is WILD. No matter how large the distance between my husband and I in terms of how many hours I work, how much I earn, or what positions I take, it is just assumed that I should be cheerfully and constantly available to serve in a way that is not reciprocated.

It is absolutely BONKERS* that men are out here like, "If Brad works 40 hours a week and/or shares any of his $40k salary, women should be lining up around the block to enthusiastically provide him with free childcare, housework, sex, and emotional support around the clock, because they couldn't possibly understand how hard he has it" while also being pretty clear that any women in their lives had better be working constantly and reliably pulling in at least a quarter million before they'll hypothetically do a little begrudging mopping. (Of course, if she actually gets there, he still won't do it because she "emasculated" him, or because he is a high earner too and "shouldn't have to," or he thinks that she should just pay someone to handle that stuff, or he insists that his lesser earnings are her fault for some nebulous lack of "support," or any of a number of other excuses)

*but not surprising. They don't say things because they have lots of supporting evidence. They say things because it's what would need to be true in order to justify what they want to and intend to do anyway.

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In a moment I'm not proud of but really needed, I used my google nest device to listen into a conversation between my ex husband and his cousin. It was incredibly eye opening to see just how little they both valued the contributions of myself and his cousins wife. The lengths they went to to justify how important their jobs and financial contributions were compared to what we women folk do was dehumanising; it was also a massive ego/dick stroking fest *vomit*. Her especially, as she has a job at a large retail chain and works PT while wrangling their 2 kids. Their entire family (women included) have always degraded her for this job. It really fucks me off. I know for a fact from speaking with her, that she feels she can't seek out anything else because of the demands of his job so she believes she needs to take a career backseat.

I (at the time) wasn't working as we were going through our long drawn out seperation and my mental health was at an all time low, so I really copped it during that particular conversation 🙄.

My ex husband has never regarded any employment I've held as being as important as his work (bc I earned less) and has always found ways to demean the work I do (on top of taking on all of the mental and household labour; and you know he wasn't pitching in with any of that). Even since our separation, I've started working FT again on about $20k less than him and he STILL finds ways to demean what I do (jokes in him though as I negotiated for highly flexible, outcomes based work and do a full-time job in about 20hrs/week, while he's stuck in this mindset that he has to work above and beyond his set hours to "prove his worth"....so ironically, my hourly rate would be WAY higher than his).

I honestly cannot fathom why it has to be a competition given that we both achieve the same end goal of providing a home and food for our children.

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Thank you Zawn. Yes, everyone (including me) assumed for years that I would limit my full time hours to do the nursery pick up, and worse, pension contributions, to pay for childcare. And as for housework, the 50:50 split at the start of our relationship inevitably fell away. A glass ceiling will always exist due to domestic inequality. Without equality at home women need full time domestic help to continue career progression (eg to work "men's hours", be available and be seen to be available for promotion, like the male employees). But only women who are already in senior positions can afford the domestic help required to achieve these things.

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The line "we’re told that we choose to work, and being a working mother is treated as some sort of value or philosophy" hit home for me, but not so much for the obvious reason. My husband has an extremely stressful, but very well paid job. We are in a fortunate position that he doesn't need to do this job, we would get by fine for at least a while if he quit. But he wants to do it - it's an incredible opportunity, he's learning a lot, and finds it very rewarding, despite the stress, so he wants to carry on anyway, despite the impact on my life (not realistically able to continue my own career in the same way, because you know, someone has to be home to look after the kids, plus his much reduced capacity to handle any responsibilities outside work). He does his fair share of housework, is a very involved dad, but his choice of job still impacts me, even though it's beneficial for the family financially (although, as discussed, that's not actually required). However, if when he complains about being stressed, or when I am feeling frustrated with my own position, I point out to him that he is indeed "choosing to work", at least in this job, I am accused of being unsupportive, unappreciative etc. This is despite the fact that he has said repeatedly he wants to retire early and go surfing etc. - when I point out he could have this already if he wanted it, I'm unsupportive. The default is that men get to have a challenging rewarding career and, even if they enjoy it and choose to dedicate a lot of time to their work over their family, it's still seen as "providing" and a "sacrifice" for the sake of their family. If I was doing the exact same job, it would be seen as a choice I'd made personally, at the *expense* of my family. Those same benefits of having a fulfilling, challenging, stimulating career, that working mothers supposedly choose, are just dismissed as part of the package for men, they're not ever expected to give that up for the sake of a family. And pointing out that many men do in fact "choose to work" at the expense of their family is apparently insulting, and not appreciative of their contribution.

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So does your husband too hold this same double standard, i.e. not just people viewing your family from the outside?

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I built and ran a bed and breakfast with my ex husband. He did the back end financials and secured funding. I did everything else. And I mean everything. Web design, employee hiring/training, building training and cooking manuals, marketing, designed the meals and menus, cleaning the rooms, buying all the supplies and setting up reoccurring orders, answering most phone calls, networking and tech support, customer relations, secured permits, changed the locks, designed the logo, payroll and employee incentives, gardening, became ordained and performed weddings, took wedding and website photos and edited them.. I’m just scratching the surface. Not a thing in that business (except for parts of the taxes, price setting, and other accounting type things except payroll) does not contain my blood, sweat and tears. Not to mention I also got pregnant, breastfed full time, managed our home and 4 pets, and everything that goes with it.

Every time we would meet someone and talk about our bed and breakfast.. the men only asked my ex husband questions. Questions best answered by me and when I would interject I would be looked at as if invisible. And my ex was more than happy with this. I’d bring it up to him and he didn’t see it. This was the beginning of the end for me.

I built the business so well that it can now be managed remotely. He got the business in the divorce and gets to sit at home while I bartend because we live in a tourist town and share custody. I’m working to start my new business.

It’s so unfair. 13 years of hard, and I mean HARD work. And he gets all the credit because he provided funding. Even after the divorce when I tell people about the business I built, a million dollar business, eyes glaze over and it’s as if I’m talking about a bake sale.

So many curse words fill my mind when I think about this. I do take some comfort in realizing I’m not alone, that it’s a symptom of patriarchy, and my ex was gaslighting me into thinking maybe it was fair distribution.

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