Why do we treat mothers like they're stupid?

There's a reason I'm met with condescension and derision every time I advocate for my kids. Chances are it happens to you, too. Plus, 5 ways to be less sexist toward mothers.

This is an updated version of an older post. I do this occasionally so that new readers can see potentially helpful material. If you’ve read it before, I hope you still get something out of it, as I’ve added more information and content.

A few weeks ago, I had to ask for a specific accommodation in an extracurricular class my daughter was taking. I’ve been her mother for six years, spent hundreds of hours researching her specific needs, and consulted repeatedly with her pediatrician, therapist, teachers, and other experts.

If you’ve ever had to ask for an accommodation for your child, your blood is probably already boiling, because you know what’s going to come next.

“Well, actually,” the childless male instructor without any formal education in child psychology or pedagogy began, “What we need to do instead is…”

Time froze, and in another universe I saw myself calling him a motherfucker and body slamming him. In the universe we currently occupy, I smiled and nodded, then left with my daughter, planning to seek my revenge through my lawyer-husband.

It should go without saying that, the next day, when my husband spoke to this teacher, the same ideas the teacher had dismissed in me were suddenly worth considering. Because in a patriarchy, the very fact that a mother suggests something renders it invalid.

Like most involved mothers, like most mothers whose kids in some way do not fit the norm, I am an expert on my child—far more equipped to know what she needs (and what she is entitled to) than some manchild with a little bit of power. As a science and mental health writer of more than a decade, with a significant focus on child health and well-being, I brought significant experience and expertise to the discussion.

None of that mattered in the moment, though, because to him I was just a mom.

And in the eyes of society, mothers are stupid. The very fact of a mother thinking her child needs something is often evidence enough not to give the child what they need—a sign, instead, that the mom is anxious and that whatever problems the child has are the mother’s fault.

In a misogynistic world, women are incompetent. And mothers are doubly so in this world. The work we put into becoming competent parents—the endless reading, researching, question-asking, and advocacy—is often weaponized against us. It’s a sign that we’re neurotic, overbearing, overly concerned with things that don’t matter.

Meanwhile, we laud fathers for doing next to nothing—and often, for doing the very same things we criticize a mother for. A dad advocating for his child is a saint. A mother doing the same is a shrew.

Here are some of the many examples of this mothers encounter:

• The belief that any problem a child has is the mother’s fault, along with the simultaneous refusal to credit the mother with any successes the child has.

• The suggestion that mothers and their hysterical crazy woman emotions are the real problem in children’s lives. “She’s not going to do x thing until you believe she can” is a favorite weapons of schools when mothers try to advocate for accommodations for their kids. The very fact of seeking accommodations is weaponized against the mother, used to blame her for a child’s disability (or developmentally normal struggle).

• Attributing mothers’ advocacy on their children’s behalf to their emotions. Every mother I know who has ever had to advocate for her child has repeatedly been told that she seems upset, angry, emotional, or traumatized.

• A refusal to acknowledge mothers’ expertise about their own children. In many cases, the very fact that a mother wants something for her child—a disability accommodation, a certain teacher, a different pedagogical approach—is used by authority figures as evidence that the child does not need that thing.

• The complete discounting of mothers’ work with their children. In the family court system, for example, a mother can be the primary caregiver, doing 95% of all parenting labor. And the assumption may still be in favor of 50/50 custody, because culturally, we believe that mothering is not skilled labor, and that anyone can step in and parent, even with no practice.

• Unsolicited parenting advice. Lots of people—especially childless men, for some reason—seem to think any mention of one’s child is a request for advice. I’ll never forget the time I posted a video on Facebook of my 10-month-old identifying her letters. Multiple people commented informing me that I should remember to read to her every day so her growth could continue. As if the mother who managed to teach her baby letters needed this incredibly obvious information.

What’s behind this? It’s pretty simple at its core: misogyny.

It benefits patriarchy to treat mothers as incompetent buffoons.

If motherhood requires no special skills, then anyone can do it, and mothers have no special insight into their children. This makes it a lot easier to discount their expertise and opinions—and to replace them with incompetent fathers by giving those fathers joint custody.

If mothers are foolish, driven by their emotions, incapable of asserting expertise regarding their children, then we don’t have to listen to them. This makes it much easier to deny children disability accommodations, to mistreat children, and to arbitrarily impose random adults’ random expectations on children they don’t know well, or at all.

If the research and effort of mothers is unimportant, then the ill-informed ideas of the immature and uninvolved opinions of immature man-babies should be given equal weight. This is why so many experts, family court judges, and therapists pretend that a couple just has different parenting styles when the reality is that the mother wants to be a decent parent and the father does not.

And if motherhood is not work, then it doesn’t matter, doesn’t deserve any kind of compensation or support, and mothers shouldn’t expect any credit for what they do. While we’re at it, we might as well deny all women access to birth control and abortion, and make the price of every sexual act, including rape, the permanent servitude of motherhood.

Depicting mothers as stupid empowers a patriarchal society to ignore mothers and families, and to foist an entire society’s worth of work onto a single person. And then, when that person is exhausted, we act like it’s her fault. When she demands support for her child, we treat her like she’s a threatening lunatic.

Motherhood requires immense emotional control and intellect. Being an even mediocre mother is profoundly challenging. And no matter how hard a mother works, no matter what she does, someone will happily tell her she’s doing it wrong.

A mother who advocates for her disabled or neurodivergent child is a helicopter mother, a Karen, excessively demanding, rude, threatening. She needs to learn to respect teachers and be nicer to everyone.

A mother who doesn’t advocate for her child is neglectful.

Breastfeed your child? Fine, but don’t make a big deal out of it, and don’t do it for too long, or else you’re a weird creepy hippie. Formula feed? That’s wrong, too.

No matter how you birth your child, it’s wrong and shows you’re stupid. Homebirth mothers are anti-science and easily influenced by TikTok. Mothers who give birth in a hospital are insufficiently informed, and whatever goes wrong is their fault. C-sections (the birthing method with the most risk and the longest recovery) are somehow the easy route.

No matter how you discipline your child, it’s wrong. We’re now telling mothers that talking about their own emotions with kids fosters co-dependency, while simultaneously telling them that gentle parenting is permissive parenting without boundaries, that a few simple scripts will fix everything (and if they don’t, it’s mom’s fault), and that no matter what struggles a child has, they’re definitely because mom is parenting incorrectly. Dad, of course, doesn’t have to do shit.

Don’t forget that you’re doing school wrong, too! Kids need to learn through play, but if they don’t learn their letters (through play, of course) by 4, they’re doomed forever. Learning should be child-centered and child-directed, but if your child directs things in the wrong direction, it’s definitely your fault. Having trouble at school? Quit your job and homeschool. No, not like that. Oh and also, homeschooling is wrong because everything is wrong.

Teach your kids responsibility by making them do chores but don’t forget to Savor Every Moment and don’t be the mom obsessed with cleaning! But definitely keep a clean house because kids can’t live in filth.

Remember to follow a healthy routine. But don’t be too overbearing about it. Make it natural!

Remember to practice self-care, and go to therapy, and lose the baby weight, and maintain friendships, and build a village, and fuck your husband, and stay attractive, and remain up to date on parenting trends, and make every holiday special (but not in a way that demands anything of your husband!), and read to your child every day, and spend time outdoors, and serve healthy meals (but not in an overbearing way), and don’t over-rely on screens, and always practice consent (while still getting your kid to always consent to medical care they don’t want), but also make sure you’re not taking parenting too seriously, and making time for play every day, and maximizing quality time with your kids, and…

But hey, don’t worry, because no matter what you do it will be wrong anyway.

We also tell mothers that it’s their responsibility to solve all this, to fight back against anti-mother misogyny and build a better society, while doing all of the other shit society demands of us, too. It’s time for those among you who are not shouldering the entire burden of the future of humanity to step up.

So if you’re reading this and you’re childless, here are five things you can do to begin being less sexist against mothers right now:

1. Assume mothers know more about their kids, and about parenting, than you do. Every mother is an expert on her own child, even if she’s imperfect, struggling, or lacking in skill. There are things she knows that you do not.

2. Assume mothers are intelligent, capable people. Once you become a mother, that’s all people see. Counteract this by treating mothers as if they’re (shocker!) smart, and have outside interests.

3. Demand that dads step up. Behind every frazzled mom is a dad not doing shit (and often, actively undermining her). Ask where the fuck that motherfucker is.

4. Advocate for policies that support families, rather than foisting the entire burden of raising families onto mothers. A healthy society depends on healthy kids.

5. Intervene when you see anti-mother misogyny. Disrupt mom-shaming. If the teachers at your school are gossiping about a mom, suggest that they know little about her. Be an ally.

An important programming note: Next month, the inimitable Naomi Fisher will be on my podcast to talk about how framing mothers as dumb disadvantages children. When we pretend mothers are incompetent, we can discount what they share about their children’s needs, empowering schools, partners, and just about everyone else to pretend that children don’t matter. You can subscribe here to be notified as soon as the podcast is up!

For the entirety of October 2024, I’m running a sale. All new paid subscribers will get some free feminist merch if they sign up. To claim the deal, all you have to do is become a paid subscriber here or on Patreon. Then email zawn@zawn.net with your preferred mailing address! This also applies to gift memberships, so it’s a great time to give a gift to a friend.

You might also like…