Do you have advice for people becoming stay-at-home mothers? Feminist Advice Friday

A reader wonders why people hate stay-at-home mothers, and whether there is a safe path into life as a SAHM.

Every now and again I revisit older columns and update and expand my advice. This is a very old column, but it’s a question I continue to get. I’ve added additional advice and tons of helpful links.

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A reader asks…

Why do you think people are so hostile to stay-at-home mothers? And do you have any advice to someone contemplating becoming one?

My answer:

My mom was a stay-at-home mother for 10 years. She was great at it. She modeled to me that this is absolutely a real job, harder and more labor intensive than almost any other job. She was called to be a mom, and I wish it was a job society respects and that people could get paid for.

You refer to hostility toward stay-at-home mothers, but I think the more common manifestation is hostility to stay-at-home motherhood. I include myself in this latter group. Stay-at-home motherhood is an absolutely terrible deal for women that can leave them permanently impoverished, and/or forever beholden to an abusive man. Continuing to work is the single best decision you can make to protect yourself in marriage.

But what about those people who judge women who want to stay home? That’s just simple misogyny. Anti-mother misogyny is depressingly common even in the feminist movement.

People are hostile to stay-at-home mothers because society believes that motherhood is not work and does not matter. This belief allows patriarchy to dismiss the lived experiences of the overwhelming majority of women, requiring them to compartmentalize away a critical aspect of their identity. We talk about stay-at-home motherhood as a “privilege” rather than as a decision that privileges the woman’s husband in every imaginable way.

In demeaning motherhood, society deems one of the most fulfilling and meaningful things a human being can do—and undermines the value of one of the only things that is actually necessary for the continuation of the species. I am continuously floored that men can watch women call forth human life in immense suffering and bravery and pain, and instead of worshiping them, treat them even worse than before. The mind boggles.

So simply put: We demean mothers because it makes it easier to demean women. And because the mainstream feminist movement has done a terrible job centering mothers’ issues. Ageism figures prominently here, too. Feminism remains a movement of daughters and young people. Mothers aren’t cool.

The effects on women and children are catastrophic. When we demean stay-at-home mothers, the end result is a world that thinks a woman can easily devote her whole life to raising kids and supporting her husband’s career. And then, when he leaves or he abuses her, we think it’s just fine for her to get nothing from him, and for him to get 50% time with the kids. Because nothing she did really mattered.

I want a world where stay-at-home mothers are treated like the heroes they are.

We don’t have that world. While we need to demand a better world, we need to find ways to live in the world we have.

So my advice to someone considering stay-at-home motherhood might jar you, but here it is:

Don’t do it. Please, for the love of God, for the sake of your sanity and future and children and well-being, please don’t quit working.

Stay-at-home motherhood puts you in an immediate position of vulnerability that your husband can exploit.

He can refuse to give you money.

He can put you on an allowance.

He can tell you you have to do everything because he works.

It makes it difficult to leave him, difficult to meet with a divorce attorney, difficult to live a life of freedom.

Stay-at-home motherhood is willing servitude to a partner. And if that partner is a man living in a patriarchal society, it is an incredibly dangerous gamble.

Leaving the workforce means it will be harder to go back. It will make it harder to get a job, harder to use your skills, harder to get good pay. And that’s the best case scenario, if it all works out.

If it doesn’t? You could be looking at going back to work following a divorce. You’ll get child support, yes, but not enough to compensate you for all you did, for your lost earning potential, for all you contributed to his career. You will be financially worse off than him—and he’ll probably call you lazy.

All you have to assure you that this won’t happen is your husband’s word. And his word is worthless. Men also make vows to their wives on their wedding day, and routinely disregard them.

Please, do not make yourself subservient to a man on trust alone. In a patriarchal society, men are unworthy of trust.

If you want to become a stay-at-home mother and insist on ignoring my pleas, here’s my advice:

• Only leave your career if your career is truly of little value—more like a job. If you have sacrificed immensely for your career and believe it offers purpose and value, don’t leave it. You may never be able to go back.

• If you have a career that does have value to you but still insist on leaving, find a way to stay involved through part-time work, freelancing, or volunteering.

• Draw up a legally binding postnuptial agreement. This is non-negotiable, and is the only way to protect yourself. If your husband refuses to sign such an agreement, this is a clear and compelling signal that he plans to exploit you the moment you quit your job. This agreement should outline:

  • the alimony and child support you are entitled to

  • the property division you are entitled to

  • other assets you are entitled to

• Require your husband to deposit money into a bank account only you have access to. You should get money for expenses, but also to save for the future. You should have wages for your work.

If he is unwilling to sign a postnuptial agreement or to direct funds into an account for you, this is a giant waving red flag indicating he intends to take advantage of you. A man who does not recognize the immense risk you are undertaking is a man who absolutely will harm you the moment he gets the chance.

Don’t do it. This single life choice is the one that is most likely to make women beholden to abusive men. Remember that as you weigh your options.

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