My girlfriend broke up with me over my messy apartment: Feminist Advice Friday, Bad Advice Edition
How very dare she not accept the real me?!
This is a reposted and updated version of an older column. I hope you enjoy it!
Bad Advice Friday is a twist on my usual Feminist Advice Friday. In this semi-regular column, I look at the bad advice other columnists have given. The bad advice is often rooted in patriarchal norms, in the idea that women’s emotions really don’t matter, and in the cultural practice of centering men’s desires at the expense of women’s needs. You can find a complete list of previous bad advice columns here.
The problem
This month, we’ll be “helping” this gentleman on Slate, who just can’t fathom why a woman would break up with him for having a messy apartment. He reports that he made sure there was space in his trashed apartment for plates, and a spot to sit, but that he otherwise didn’t clean. The woman broke up with him. Now he wants to know why she couldn’t accept his authentic self.
“I thought she wanted to get to know me so I wasn’t worried about the rest,” he says. “I was honestly shocked given that she had been saying she wanted to know the ‘real me.’”
The bad advice
The advice columnist responds exhorting him to get back on dating apps and find someone who will accept him just as he is. And that’s pretty much it, because in a misogynist society it is unthinkable to ask a man to change his habits for a woman, even a hypothetical future partner.
A good advice columnist should be able to do at least two things: 1) read what’s not being said in the letter, or what’s implied, since most letter writers are going to depict themselves in the best possible light; 2) understand the basic social forces that act on people’s lives and influence their decisions. This piece is about social responsibility—about understanding that we are all social actors, and the way we behave affects the broader world.
This columnist has failed on both accounts: 1) It’s clear, by his own description, that this apartment was absolutely trashed, and likely disgusting. To have to move objects to make space to sit is not normal. 2) The overwhelming majority of women are in relationships with men who trash their homes, refuse to participate equitably in parenting their children, and who act as if women are abusive monsters for being frustrated by this. This columnist told him to get back on the apps, so he can perhaps find a less discerning woman to eventually trap.
This woman made the right call, and likely spared herself quite a bit of misery.
Here’s what the columnist should have said:
You have confused getting to know the real you with unconditionally accepting that person, and having absolutely zero expectations of that person.
You are entitled to keep your house however you want. And women are entitled to judge you and deem you an unfit partner for it. Indeed, the main purpose of dating should be to vet candidates. The earlier a woman can screen out an inadequate man, the better it is for her.
The overwhelming majority of women are trapped in marriages with lazy men. Many of these men gave lip service to equality at the beginning of their relationship. They kept tidy homes and did chores.
You’re not doing that, though. You are already a slob. This is what it looks like when you put your best face forward. And to women who know what’s up in the world, it looks like they’ll spend the rest of their lives picking up after you. People generally prefer not to live in filth. A woman does not want to see signs on the first date that she will do all the cleaning, and that the man will add significantly to her labor.
Women are no longer content to get into relationships with men who contribute nothing to their lives or well-being. That means that, if your authentic self sucks, then yes, you can expect that your authentic self will be rejected.
Part of evolving into a decent adult is identifying your own shortcomings and working to change them—not demanding that a woman whom you barely know for some reason must accept you as you are, no matter how off-putting that person is.
Your messy apartment reveals something else about you. It reveals that you are so disconnected from women’s reality that you do not know that most of them feel that the balance of power and labor in their relationships is woefully unbalanced, and that this imbalance robs them of potential and joy. If you knew this, and if you cared about it, you would have worked to show your partner that you’re not one of those guys.
You would want to be one of those guys.
But you’re not, and you apparently don’t want to be, because you either don’t know or don’t care what women want.
Why exactly should women want you?
So learn from this experience: Women do not like slobs. And you can change.
If you want to have a relationship with a woman who values responsible adults, you must change.
Sure, you might be able to go on an app and find a woman who will happily accept living in a pig sty, but she’s not going to clean up after you, and for her to be willing to accept such circumstances, she’ll likely have some significant shortcomings of her own.
If you want to be accepted unconditionally, be prepared to give unconditional acceptance.
If not, it’s time to consider what you need to do to be a more appealing partner—something women have always done.
Bingo.
Omg the original advice is so shocking. She basically said to find a woman who is also a slob so they’ll be comfortable sitting in your filth.