Feminist Advice Friday: Do you have dating advice for college students?
Men today are very misogynistic, a reader says. She wants to know how to educate them.
A reader asks…
I am a 20-year-old college student and I have never dated a man, but I would love to soon. Men today though are very anti-feminist and misogynistic. I was wondering if there are ways to teach men how to be better, and if you have any hope for young men to drop their misogynistic behavior in this day and age. And if I was dating a man, how can I speak about the need for a feminist relationship? Thank you for liberating women and helping us live our lives free of patriarchy.
My answer
I’m going to be 40 this year, and so I’m twice your age. I appreciate you trusting me. There needs to be much more cooperation between generations of women. Young women like you can help us elder millennials remain flexible and connected to the forefront of social justice movements.
Something my friends and I often talk about is how anti-mother misogyny actually harms young childless women just as much as mothers. You are taught, from birth, that mothers are boring and uncool and unintelligent, and barely even people. And because most young women have little experience with mothers beyond their own mothers and grandmothers, they internalize this message. They don’t know what mothers are actually like. They don’t know that we’re just like you: we have dreams and plans. We can be cool and interesting and sexy and thoughtful and radical—or not those things, or some of those things, or different things.
Mothers are people. It’s an obvious insight that patriarchy renders invisible.
So you are already ahead of the curve by virtue of your willingness to ask a woman older and more experienced than you for advice, and to listen to what she says.
You have another advantage, too: you’re already a feminist. I’ve long thought that coming to feminism early in my own life was a great advantage to me when dating, because it made me much less willing to accept male bullshit, and much more sensitive to early red flags. I’m hopeful that your feminism will have the same effect on you.
Still, some of your question worries me—especially your query as to how to educate men about feminism and get them to drop their sexist ways.
While there might be lots of ways of educating men, or getting people to abandon oppressive behavior, and of building a better world, you should not be considering doing any of these things when dating.
The single biggest mistake women make in dating is trying to educate and change sexist men.
The purpose of dating is not to improve the world. And a relationship is not a right. You do not owe sexist men the opportunity to be with you.
If you take nothing else from this post, please internalize this: sexist men are fundamentally unfuckable and undateable. Treat them like a public health threat, because that is what they are.
I realize that this greatly narrows the dating pool, and may mean you date infrequently, or not at all. Refusing to associate with sexist men may mean you don’t get married. But friend, this is a good thing. The loneliness you may feel as a single person pales in comparison to the loneliness of being trapped with a piece of human garbage, knowing that if you leave him he’ll try to take your kids, your house, and maybe your life.
This is what’s at stake: your ability to do everything, or anything, you dream of, and to protect any children you might have. Remind yourself of this any time you want to give a man a pass on anything. And then don’t.
Be ruthless.
Decide what you want, and only date men who offer it.
One error many young women make is in being afraid to be themselves. They think they’ll scare men off. They worry about this more than they worry about ending up with men who are dangerous, cruel, shitty, or lazy.
You should want to scare bad men off. And any man who judges you for your feminism is a bad one.
Leave at the first sign of sexism. No second chances. Make it clear from the outset that you want to work through problems together, to practice good communication, to build lasting love—and also that you will leave if he inflicts any misogyny at all on you, ever.
Wear your feminism proudly. To men who believe in women’s humanity, it will make you more attractive. All other men will find it repellent, and that’s a good thing.
Envision your ideal relationship. This can make it easier to reject bad ones, too. I talk a lot about bad marriages, but it’s just important for young women to understand that a good marriage can be really, really good. Good relationships do not feel hard, or painful. They are tools for liberation, for mutual growth. They don’t feel bad.
If your relationships in the future feel bad, then get out.
In terms of talking about an equal relationship, even feminist-minded young men are often ignorant of the ways marriage disadvantages women. My husband was. But I talked about this with him early, and because he cares about women as people, he listened and learned.
Talk to partners about your fears. Talk to them about how harmful household inequality is. Be clear and specific about the life you want. A man who cares about you will want to help you attain that life.
But above all: be prepared to leave, and be prepared to stay single.
I do want to add that men, especially young men, have always been aggressively misogynistic. I don’t think things are worse with your generation, though I think some men have become more vocal. In fact, I think there are many signs of change in your generation. I have hope.
When I was dating, it was completely socially acceptable even for self-proclaimed feminist men to talk about rape genes, claim that sex differences are immutable and hard-wired, and blame victims for their own abuse. I know this still goes on, but I do think it has gotten better.
Improvements happen slowly. Each generation must do what they can, then pass the torch to the next generation. Someday you will be a 39-year-old, and hopefully you will have the chance to educate younger women about how to improve on the world you occupy. Hopefully that world will be better than the one my generation occupied.
I’ve written some other articles on dating that may help you with screening partners. Find them here:
Read more Feminist Advice Friday here.
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OMG I love this thank you!!! I wish I had this message when I was a teen but it’s great to see it going out loud and clear now!!
Zawn! Not that I haven't valued all of your work, but *this* one post was what tipped me over to upgrade to paid, (because I kind of knew I was missing out on other goodness, but also because I really wanted to tell you this!)
I've said before that I love how so much of your advice is for women already in shitty situations, (so needed!) but my personal favorites are the ones that educate women on how to avoid those situations in the first place, when possible.
I have so many friends that knowingly ignored red flags, (or maybe weren't educated enough to know how serious they were?) hoping they could change a man, or accepted them because they so badly wanted children, (their words, not mine,) and I think this work of helping women to see what they're giving up when they do that, (it's not remaining childless- they're now raising the children on their own, anyway, just with extra dead weight,) is so invaluable.
Thank you!