Feminist Advice Friday: Who should pay for dates?

Is splitting meals wrong? Should the man always pay? What is the official feminist ruling?

I publish Feminist Advice Friday every Friday on my Facebook page. Substack subscribers get early access every Thursday afternoon. If you want to ask a question, you can do so by emailing zawn.villines@gmail.com, DMing my Facebook page, or anonymously, via my web contact form.

A reader asks…

Please I want to know what you think about splitting bills on dates. My friends think that men should pay the bills and that splitting is not acceptable but I don`t agree with them.

My answer:

I love it when someone asks me to give an official feminist ruling on some age-old issue. Because it gives me the chance to remind everyone that there are very few topics on which there is an official feminist ruling. Feminism is about making the world a better, safer, more just place, and the specific circumstances that will make this goal a reality vary.

Who pays for dates is pretty small potatoes in the gender wars, especially given that the dating period in most relationships is so short. Yet many men’s rights activists like to present it as some holy grail of injustice. If only men didn’t have to pay for dates, we could finally have a decent world!

A lot of men want to play gotcha games with paying bills. “Oh you’re a feminist, eh? Well you should pay for everything then! Look how witty and subversive I am!” If you’ve found yourself one of these men, do yourself a favor and don’t date him. This sort of bad behavior only gets worse with time. He’s not being funny and philosophical; he’s reciting misogynist tropes in an attempt to undermine work toward women’s full equality. Find someone better, because misogynist men are a dime a dozen.

Ok. About your question.

Tradition dictates that men should pay for two reasons:

1. Men historically asked out women. It’s basic good manners for the person who does the inviting to also do the paying.

2. Historically, especially in white middle class circles, the expectation was that men would be the providers. Paying for a date was one way to show that a man could be a good provider.

Things are different now. Most women work. Most families need two incomes. And anyone can ask anyone out.

When I was dating, I thought that it was a nice gesture for the man to offer to pay. It showed me that he was not resentful of women, or of dating norms. And in a world where women are disadvantaged in virtually every way when dating (risk of violence, risk of stalking, doxxing, the rise of abusive incels, etc.) and in which women still make less than men, it seemed a nice acknowledgment of the comparative and very different costs we each incurred when saying yes to a date. For the men I dated, the risk was paying for a meal and not getting what they wanted in return. For me, and for millions of other women, it’s death or rape.

That doesn’t mean the man should pay, though. It’s just something to pause and consider—especially when you hear a man going absolutely bonkers about the “injustice” of having to pay but not the very real injustices of dating-related violence.

I think discussing who will pay is a great way to get used to talking about consent. It’s a good way to assess the other person’s communication skills. It will help you see whether a simple problem quickly devolves into a conflict or is easily resolved.

And there’s no right answer. Instead, I think it’s helpful to consider the following:

• Is there a significant difference in earnings between the two partners? If one partner is earning a ton of money and the other is struggling, it makes more sense for the wealthier partner to pay.

• Is this an established couple? If so, splitting the bill over time makes a lot of sense, unless there is a significant earning disparity.

• Can both partners work to make the bill affordable? Ordering the most expensive item on the menu on someone else’s dime is unkind.

As with most things involving heterosexual relationships, who pays comes down to a power dynamic. If either partner uses this simple question to wield power over the other, the relationship should go no further.

I also encourage you to question why “all” of your friends think splitting the bill is unacceptable. Don’t you have any non-heterosexual friends? What justification do your friends give for their position? When everyone in your friend group holds a very traditional view, especially if they don’t have any real reason for that view, it’s a red flag. It means you’re not going to get push back. You’re not spending time with people who challenge you. It’s time to expand your circle.