Feminist Advice Friday: How men trap women, and how to avoid being a victim
A reader wonders what techniques men use to trap women, and why she keeps becoming a victim
A reader asks…
I am now on abusive marriage number two, after a lifetime of relationships that ranged from inadequate to violent. I know from reading your work that this is basically the norm, and that most heterosexual relationships devolve into some sort of abuse. The problem is that by the time I recognize the abuse, it’s too late to get out.
I’m wondering if you can speak to the ways men trap women, so that other women might avoid this cycle.
My Answer
The most critical thing to know is that, at every stage, with every technique, regardless of the man or his level of abuse or his intentions, men who ensnare women in bad relationships share one thing in common:
They exploit women’s desire to be loved.
If you do not seek the love and approval of a man, if you truly do not care if you end up single, if you don’t feel pressure to get married or believe that being single equates to being “alone,” then it is very unlikely that a man will trap you, because you do not have a need for his approval which he can exploit. This is why the ways we socialize our daughters are so central in the fight against patriarchal marriage.
It’s really difficult to shed this socialization, and even if you do, some dashing charm-monster may rope you in anyway, and make you dependent on his specific brand of fake love. Here are the most common tools at various stages of the relationship:
Love-bombing
Love-bombing is a classic cult indoctrination technique. It looks like overwhelming you with what feels like genuine, deep love. He may solve problems for you. He might write a love note everyday. It feels intense and overwhelming, like it couldn’t possibly be fake.
The intense and overwhelming feelings are the point. They suspend your critical thinking, making it very difficult to see anything else. You might not notice that he’s isolating you from your friends. You might pick out red flags. Or if you notice red flags or a history of abuse, you’ll reassure you that everything is fine because he’s just so nice.
Some guys are really nice. Some guys are romantic. Being really nice doesn’t mean you need to break up with him, necessarily. It means you need to wait. Don’t move in with him, have unprotected sex with him, or marry him for at least two years. Give the love-bombing phase plenty of time to wear off, and make absolutely certain you have had many fights with him and seen how he fights.
Moving really fast
Moving really fast often goes hand-in-hand with love-bombing. He’ll love-bomb you to suspend your critical thinking, then rush you into a child, into living together, or into marriage before you can see his true colors.
I’ll confess: My husband and I moved in together after our second date. But he maintained his own place for a year after that. We did not get married or pregnant for many years, and did not do anything irreversible. Moving fast does not always mean something is wrong, but if you find yourself overwhelmingly in love and wanting to rush to the next level of commitment, slow it down.
It’s also important to keep in mind that if you’re feeling pressure to get to the next level of commitment, this could be a sign of insecurity—and almost always, if you feel insecure in the relationship, it’s because of some red flag he’s waving. If you want marriage/engagement/living together/a baby to feel more connected, run away NOW.
Marriage
Once you’re married to someone—or have all the trappings of marriage, such as a shared lease or mortgage, shared finances, etc—it becomes more difficult to leave because you may suffer financial losses. Please note that living together but not being marriage is no safer than marriage (and in some cases may mean you have even fewer protections).
Children
Once you have children, you are stuck with the person for at least the next 18 years, and likely for life. Even if you divorce amicably, you will have to see them and interact with them forever. And if he becomes an abusive asshole—which is the most common outcome, if every marriage I’ve seen and all of my survey data is any indication—then he can weaponize your children against you by abusing them, undermining your parenting, trying to take them from you, and trying to ensure you all end up in poverty if you leave.
Please do not have children with a man if you have any doubts at all.
Teaching women to disbelieve other women
Other women are one of our most powerful weapons against abusive men. The ex-wife who tells you he hit her. The ex-girlfriend who warns you of his STD. The generation of mothers ahead of you who advises you to heed every red flag, because marriage does not make things better.
Patriarchy, though, convinces us that other women are crazy. That mothers are irrelevant. That the women who came before us know nothing about anything. And patriarchal men convince us we’re different and special—not like those other crazy women. It feels good to be different and special. And so women view other women as unreliable, and defer to the people who, statistically, are exponentially more likely to be abusers, and to be lying.
Neurodivergence and disability
Women are just as likely as men to be neurodivergent, and significantly more likely to be disabled. Somehow, though, men have decided women’s health is irrelevant, and no matter how sick she is or how much she struggles, she damn well better do more than her fair share.
Men, though, exploit neurodivergence. They tell their wives their ADHD/autism/depression (which they often don’t even have) are reasons not to do household labor. And women buy it, then devote years trying to support their partners and understand them, rather than kick them to the curb like they should. Weaponizing neurodivergence is a fantastic tool for extracting more free labor for as long as possible.
Financial dependence
Having children is the single most important decision that will entrap you. Financial dependence is a close second. If you become a stay at home mother, you are absolutely fucked if your partner is anything less than exceptional.
Please keep your job. Please do not make yourself dependent on a man. It makes leaving incredibly difficult and dangerous, and the courts will not reward the household labor you do with fair compensation.
Threats
In the background of every bad relationship that a woman doesn’t leave is the threat of violence. Or financial abuse. Or taking the kids. And sometimes, of suicide. Once men have exhausted all other options, they resort to threats. If your partner has begun directly or indirectly threatening you, you are in danger and must do all you can to get out. It won’t get better. Why would an abuser change?
Incredible article, one if my favourites that i will absolutely be referring back to. Thabk you so much Zawn. 💕
I wish I had this spelled out for me when I was younger. I was raised by a single mother who very much taught me to be independent and not rely on anyone else etc but what I didn’t learn was what to look for (signs that a man or person was worth my time and attention). I did find myself in heteronormative relationships frequently but through that, I didn’t ever learn how to be in a healthy relationship. How to demand more from a man I was in a relationship with rather than being the cool laid back girl who didn’t make demands of men nor expected them (at all). I’m now divorcing a man who actually did probably 35% of the labor of a household mental and physical labor of a household but almost nothing in regards to emotional labor for our children and in our marriage. When I brought up these issues, he responded in nearly all the ways Zawn says men will to silence me. We’re divorcing now. Our issues are bound Fair Play. I will attempt Fair Play with my sons as a single mother but Zawn validated that our issues won’t be fixed by Fair Play because it’s downright abuse, particularly emotional.