Feminist Advice Friday: Is it reasonable to expect equality when I'm dating with kids?
How do I prevent my next relationship from being unbalanced? And is it even possible to expect a new person to participate equally in family life?
A reader asks…
I wondered if you would consider doing an advice column for people who have separated/divorced and have kids. I want to avoid getting into an unequal relationship in the future, but I feel that my kids would mean it would always be unequal.
Can I really expect a man who isn’t their dad to tidy up their messes, to help pay for things for them (obviously I will carry on getting child maintenance but that doesn’t always cover everything)? I feel this particularly because I home educate (so there is constant mess making happening) and I have 3 kids who have very minimal contact with their dad. Is this something there is research about or advice anywhere? I don’t want to expect too much, but I also don’t want to be stuck in another exhausting relationship.
I know I would need to pour energy into a relationship, and I would want energy coming back to me too, because I don’t have much extra capacity.
Thank you for your posts. They have really helped me get my head around what went on in my last relationship.
My answer
Before I get to the meat of your question, I want to draw your attention to a single line in your query that stood out to me:
I don’t want to expect too much.
The problem women in this culture face is not that they expect too much. It’s that, almost universally, they demand too little. Based on the rest of your letter, I can tell that you are no exception.
If you expect not to find a partner who will share the load with you, that is exactly what you will get.
We set the standards under which we are willing to accept a relationship. The most important weapon against another unequal relationship is being willing to not be in a relationship. If you’re willing to accept being single—and you should be, because you already know that single life is way better than being partnered to an asshole—then you will have much higher standards in a relationship.
So say it with me: I will not accept any relationship in which my kids aren’t valued, in which I am not treated as an equal, or with anyone who does not want to eventually partner together, including in the raising of any and all children we share.
About a month ago, I answered a letter from a woman in a situation almost exactly opposite to yours. She was raising her stepkids while working full-time, AND her husband wasn’t sharing financial resources with her. She, too, wondered if it was too much to expect equality. When women step in to raise their stepkids, we consider that normal—the bare minimum, even.
Isn’t it interesting that, no matter what situation women are in, they worry they are asking too much? And isn’t it equally interesting that men never seem to worry that they’re giving too little? That for men, the question of whether they deserve a relationship or whether their needs are unreasonable never seems to enter the equation?
This is what dating in patriarchy looks like. This is why dating is a losing game for almost all women.
I don’t know if you personally will find a relationship with someone who is willing to co-parent and love your children. That’s because I don’t know if anyone anywhere is going to find any particular relationship.
I do know that there are men who want to be fully equal co-parents. I know there are men who already have kids who want to work with a partner to blend two families in a way that works for everyone. I know there are men who were not able to have biological children who still want to parent. I know there are men who recognize that when you form a partnership with someone, that means supporting them in all endeavors. Equality is possible, even with a blended family.
It’s not the norm. I won’t lie.
Men are socialized to devalue women, and in particular to devalue women’s time. You must approach every man as if that’s exactly what he will do. Be discerning. Look for people who really value you, who are willing to work on things early, who show initiative and commitment.
And finally, I want you to reflect on two questions that I think will help you no matter what happens to your relationship status in the coming years:
Why are you even considering the possibility of a relationship that isn’t equal, just because you have kids? My friend, in so doing, you have accepted numerous sexist notions: that kids reduce your value (when in reality, being a good mother displays so many good characteristics that are incredibly valuable in a relationship); that your time is less valuable now that you are a mother; that your time is less valuable than a mans; that you have to settle. Please reflect on this. You never, ever have to settle because, again: no relationship is always superior to a bad or mediocre one.
What red flags did you ignore in your previous relationship? Inequality is inherently abusive, and abuse is never the fault of the victim. Your last relationship is not your fault. But spend some time thinking about what you can learn from it. What signs did you overlook? What do you wish you had discussed before marriage?
I’ve written some other posts about dating, marriage, and finding an equal partner. Find them here:
Beautifully written, Zawn 💫
Zawn, I LOVE this. As a therapist with a feminist perspective, I enjoy reading your columns so much. Frequently find myself shouting 'YES!' while I'm reading...