Mothers are allowed to want things

No, you're not entitled and spoiled for wanting a present, a day off, and some praise

I write a lot about Mother’s Day. I think how we feel about Mother’s Day reveals a lot about how we feel about mothers.

Earlier this month, in the leadup to and aftermath of Mother’s Day, I spent much of the week deleting hateful comments about mothers from my Mother’s Day posts.

The crux of almost all of those comments was that mothers are not allowed to want things—or, at least, that they’re only allowed to want things we think they should want.

We see this idea everywhere. It’s one of the main drivers of mom guilt and mom shame. We tell mothers that their children are present enough for Mother’s Day, their birthdays, Christmas. But when we’re making decisions about men, children are never presents—even though, on average, children demand far less work of men than women.

You are allowed to want things.

Your humanity did not end when you became a mother, no matter how much society insists it should have.

You are allowed to have expectations of your partner.

To draw boundaries.

To insist that, if your basic needs are not met, you cannot continue to cater to everyone else.

You’re allowed to want sex, or say no to it.

You’re allowed to want to pamper your body, or ignore it.

You cannot fully care for others until you care for yourself.

Next time someone implies you’re a bad person, a bad mother, fundamentally selfish, for wanting something, ask yourself this:

How does it serve this person for me to believe I don’t deserve anything good?

How does believing I am entitled to nothing convince me not to ask for what I need? How does it keep me on a hamster wheel of endless service to others?

Perhaps most importantly, how does the notion that others aren’t allowed to want things serve patriarchy?

No Feminist Advice Friday this week, as I’m getting ready to move and losing my mind! Instead, check out this blog post I wrote on the ways marriage harms women to tide you over till next week. I also just published this comprehensive guide to life after Roe v. Wade. There’s tons of expert information on surviving, on self-induced abortions, and getting around legal restrictions, and I think you’ll find it really helpful if you’re as anxious about the future as I am.

I’m still collecting data for the State of Postpartum survey. Please consider filling it out if you’ve given birth in the last 5 years.

Also, a reminder that this week the newsletter will begin going out on Thursday. And next week, that means you’ll get access to Feminist Advice Friday a whole day early.

This week’s newsletter is free, as part of my commitment to ensure free subscribers get great content. But I also offer two additional paid monthly newsletters. Next week’s paid newsletter will feature advice on discussing household inequality without making your husband mad. Ensure you don’t miss it by becoming a paid subscriber, for just $5 a month, here.