How do I set boundaries with problematic relatives, without going no contact? Feminist Advice Friday

A reader wonders if it's possible to repair strained relationships.

A reader asks…

I have a lot of problematic relatives. Sexist brothers. Parents who don’t stand up for me. Probably pretty normal stuff. It’s really upsetting, and I find myself spending a lot of time arguing with them about their behavior, to no avail.

What’s a better way to handle this? Please don’t tell me to cut them off. I love my family. There are good things in our relationship, and I don’t have much of a community or other people in my life right now, so I’m not interested in the loneliness of abandoning them all.

My answer

I’m sorry your family keeps letting you down. That’s on them, not you. It’s not your job to fix them or change them, and the fact that they are so determined not to change is not a reflection of what you deserve, nor an indication of how hard you’ve worked to improve things.

People with strained family relationships tend to devote immense resources to fixing these relationships. The problematic people with whom they keep trying typically do little to nothing to help. They’re not interested in meeting halfway. They see the relationship as something owed to them, not something which they have to earn, and certainly something to which they should have to give love and effort.

This dynamic—of endless exhaustion and demoralization from constantly struggling—is what causes many people to go no contact.

I find that a lot of people who are anxious about limiting or ending contact with problematic relatives also have few other sources of support in their lives. It’s a lot like the dynamic of abusive marriages. When you’re isolated from others, you may not realize how bad the abuse is, and you have few options for getting out.

So the first step, before you do anything else, is to begin working on building some community. Easier said than done, I know. But to whatever extent you can, put yourself out there. Channel more of your effort into new relationships than into your family of origin. As you build your chosen family, you may feel stronger and better equipped to make choices that serve you well.

I’m not saying no contact is the right choice. Just that you should not maintain relationships out of desperation and loneliness.

We all have challenging people in our lives, and the fact that someone is challenging does not mean they have no value and we should end contact. I don’t think we should treat people as disposable, or behave as if a person must be perfect to be worthy of a relationship.

Rather than cutting off people who cause you pain, consider how you can limit access to information about your life, and to the types of interactions that cause you pain. Here are some general tips that may help:

• Learn how to set and maintain strong boundaries. I’ve written more extensively about this here and here. It can be helpful to explicitly name your boundaries. “I’m not talking about politics anymore, and if you try to make me, I’ll end the conversation,” but you don’t have to. Remember that boundaries only work when you have a clear consequence for their violation; they are for you, not the other person.

• Put the other party on an information diet. No one needs to know every thing you think, do, and feel. Are you constantly complaining to your brother about your partner, only to find him unsympathetic? Stop that. Do you and your mother fight about feminism or politics? Stop discussing them. Does your family object to polyamory? You don’t need to talk about it with them. Maintaining relationships with problematic people means that sometimes we can’t bring every aspect of ourselves to the relationship. It’s up to you to decide whether maintaining the relationship is worth this sacrifice.

• Lie. You do not owe the truth to someone who will hurt you with it. You can lie to get out of plans, to escape judgment, and to otherwise protect your privacy. I write more about why I am not an honesty absolutist here.

• Accept that you cannot change the people in your life. They likely lack the skills to do and be better; otherwise they would do and be better. Feeling like you can or must change them can cause anxiety and depression to spiral. Ask yourself if you can accept the relationship as it is, since that is what it is likely to remain.

• Say no. You do not have to say yes to family. You do not have to follow every family tradition. It is ok for family to be upset and disappointed.

• Practice leaving. When your family becomes mean or abusive, leave. Some people behave badly to get a rise out of you, because this gives them a sense of power and control. When bad behavior limits their access to you, they may stop.

• Spend more time with people one on one. People are often worse behaved in groups, but one on one time forces them to more directly meet your humanity, just as you meet theirs.

Readers, what strategies have you learned for dealing with challenging family members?