How do we split domestic labor if I'm a stay-at-home mother?

Stay-at-home motherhood is work, which means that men must equitably participate when they're not working.

“I stay home with our kids, and my husband says the kids are my job, so he should get to relax when he gets home.”

I see it in every mommy forum, and daily in my inbox. It’s the battlecry of the mediocre lazy man whose primary hobby is devaluing his wife.

Lurking behind this assertion is the idea that stay-at-home motherhood isn’t really work. That her days are easy, and that she should therefore have to do what she does during the workday all day, everyday without any break.

But of course, if he really thought she had it easy, he’d be the one clamoring to stay home. If he really thought domestic labor is easy, he’d do more of it.

So what does a fair and equitable split of domestic labor look like when mom stays home with the kids?

I apply the same principles here as I apply to working parents:

• Both partners should get equal quantities of leisure time.

• Each partner should have equal access to sleep and self-care.

• Neither party should get to do nothing while the other person works (or if this happens, the roles should then reverse).

• Both parties should show gratitude and appreciation for one another’s contributions to the marriage.

The implementation of these principles will look different in each family. But here are my general guidelines:

Fairly compensating the mother

It is a myth that being a stay at home mother is a “privilege.” Motherhood is exhausting, taxing, emotionally draining labor. Dad gets to hang out with other adults, get credit for his work, get time alone, and build social capital and power while mom stays at home. Stay-at-home motherhood is to his advantage, not hers.

Some of the many ways it benefits men to have a partner at home include:

• This frees the dad’s mind and schedule to focus on ascending the career ladder. No sick kids to worry about. No mid-day disruptions. No arguments with a spouse about who takes off work when a kid needs something.

• The dad can be confident that his kids are safe with someone he trusts during the day—no guilt about nannies or daycare.

• The dad can go to work distraction-free.

• Dads whose spouses stay home with the kids earn more—and that’s on top of the earnings bump they get for having kids.

The dad can grow his wealth, his career, and his life prospects. Meanwhile, the mom’s prospects diminish. Should she return to work, her decision to stay home with her children may haunt her forever. The dad is buying more opportunities at the expense of the mother’s future.

So this nonsense about hubby working hard all day so that mom can “get” to stay home with the kids needs to die a hasty death. She’s working hard so he can focus on his career, and he’s reaping the benefits while her life prospects decline.

And thus, part of an equitable split when mom stays home with the kids is fair compensation. Dad needs to put money into a retirement account for her, so that her decision to support their family doesn’t cause her to spend her old age in poverty. She needs her own money that he does not control. She needs financial freedom. And if he cannot or will not give this to her, she should in no circumstances consider stay-at-home motherhood.

An equitable division of household labor

A typical full-time job is about 40 to 60 hours per week, inclusive of commute time. Stay-at-home motherhood never ends. Even when the children sleep, she’s still on duty if they need her, or if they need to breastfeed. There’s no vacation time, no sick leave, no weekends.

Even assuming she gets to sleep eight hours each night (unlikely), then if she takes on all or the majority of the household labor, she’ll be working 112 hours per week to the man’s 40 to 60.

Absolutely nothing about this is equitable.

Instead, the fair solution is incredibly simple.

When he’s at work, the house and the children are her jobs, and she needs to commit to those just as much as he commits to his job. That means doing a decent job to maintain the children and the home, while also taking breaks if possible (because no one works an eight hour shift at an office without any downtime).

He should come home to a house that is in better shape and children who are doing better than they otherwise would have been if she were not there. Obviously. Duh. This is the state of every house with a stay at home mother who’s not terribly negligent.

But when he gets home, the children and the house become their shared job. It’s time to split things 50/50.

Not only does this ensure fairness; it also incentivizes him to be a good parent, because consistency, boundaries, and love will ensure the kids get to bed on time, don’t become dysregulated and unmanageable, and generally make life as easy as possible. Put simply: if he puts in the work, they can both have more down time.

Some other excuses you might hear:

• “I want to relax after a long day of work!” So does she. And odds are good you’ve gotten a lot more alone time and down time at work than she has with kids who probably won’t even let her go to the bathroom alone. You get to relax when she gets to relax.

• “I work hard every day to support this family! The kids are her job!” Having a job does not mean he gets out of raising his kids and tending his home. If that’s his philosophy—that all he can offer is a paycheck—then he should move out, give her full custody of the kids and home, and offer a paycheck from a distance. Of course, he won’t do that because he doesn’t really believe that all he is (or should be) is a paycheck.

• “I come home to a mess house/there’s not food on the table!” Cleaning a house with young kids around is impossible. If you expect to come home to a perfectly clean house, hire a maid. As long as she’s not throwing food all over the floor and is putting in a reasonable effort, this is not in any way a valid excuse for him to duck out of household labor.

• “I need my downtime!” So does she. Do the work so that you can both enjoy downtime.

• “I deserve to relax because I work so she can stay at home and do nothing.” Ok, how about you stay home with the kids for a week while she goes somewhere else? Then tell me she does nothing.

It’s really quite simple: You are both required to raise the children you made and to maintain the home you live in. Women are not servants.

My assessment tool can help you assess how well you’re currently splitting household labor (including paid work). And I advocate for everyone to devise and implement a family constitution.