I'm not teaching men for free anymore--and neither should you.

Why I'm no longer answering men's questions about their relationships, and why I think you should do the same.

This is part of a bonus series talking about life as a writer. I publish this series irregularly. Find the rest of the series here.

This year, I answered dozens of questions from men about their relationships. They would send me vague complaints about their partners—always depicting themselves as the victims—and I painstakingly tried to draw out the truth. It was a recurring theme. The women who contact me send me screenshots and details. Then men who contact me talk around the issue, clearly obscuring things. I found myself repeatedly sending them follow-ups:

“But what was ‘the event’ that led to her sleeping in the guest room?”

“What was this disagreement you thought was so minor? What was it about?”

“You say she gets ‘almost abusive.’ What do you mean? What kind of abuse?”

“You say she unfairly accuses you of abuse. What behavior does she say is abuse?”

“You say you’ve put in hard work, but it’s still not enough. What have you done, and what is it she wants you to do?”

Then there were the coaches. So many male relationship coaches. All of whom immediately wanted to get me on the phone and ‘pick my brain.’ All of whom wanted to use my wisdom to make money, but who never thought to pay me.

A lot of men seemed to view absolution from a feminist writer as a special sort of absolution. If only they could convince me that they were abuse victims (almost always because their partner wasn’t having as much sex with them as they would like), then that would be a special cudgel to turn against their partner. The problem is that most of them put very little effort into convincing me. They seemed to think that just showing up, sending a few sentences, and maybe flattering me would be all it takes—because, of course, these men live in a patriarchal society where people routinely give them the benefit of the doubt when they don’t deserve it.

The interactions all started so differently, yet they almost all ended badly.

A few men threatened me directly or indirectly.

Most stopped responding when I asked them to explain their own behavior.

Many became aggressive and antagonistic.

Some, in their weird attempts to compliment me, actually insulted me.

Many called me a bitch, told me I was just like their wife, or asked me to stop getting so emotional.

In one recent case, after I told a man I’d need to bill him for my time, he asked me if his partner’s subscription fee was sufficient to cover the work he wanted me to do to help him. Not even his own subscription. His partner’s.

These men were all clearly stunned that I did not immediately fall at their feet with praise for seeking out my feminist counsel.

I engaged with these men in good faith. I put together links and research for them. I was nice to them. I gave them the benefit of the doubt.

And I’m not doing this shit anymore.

I’m writing this partially as an educational missive about what it’s like to deal with “feminist” men, but also as something I can send to future male correspondents explaining why I’m not helping them.

Men already demand so much of our time. We waste time fending off rapists and catcallers, doing more than our fair share of household labor, cleaning up men’s physical and emotional messes, repairing the damage men do to our kids, our families, our lives.

How much more time would all of us have if men stopped stealing so much of it? I’m urging you to make this the year you stop giving away free labor you don’t have to give.

Stop arguing with men online about feminism.

Stop trying to convince your brothers, husbands, and male family members to agree that, yes, you are human, too.

Stop sending men endless feminist advice and recommendations.

Spend that time decentering men instead. Because if they wanted to change, they already would have done so.

If you’re a man who seeks out my advice, here’s why I’m no longer giving it for free:

You can answer your own questions

I’ve published hundreds of articles. With a little effort, you can probably answer your own questions about my work. To think you deserve a free, personalized and customized answer is the height of entitlement. Go find the answer yourself.

My time and work are valuable

If you’re contacting me, it’s for one of two reasons:

1. Either you value my work and expertise, and truly want to hear what I think; OR

2. You don’t value anything I have to say, and want to argue, convince me, change my mind, or weaponize me against your partner.

In either scenario, you’re taking up my time that I use to do my job, and I’m not willingly giving that time to men—the very people who oppress women—for free anymore.

I don’t want to deal with your bullshit for free

I’m not stupid. If you contact me to question some fact I post, or to demand whether my opinion has “evolved,” or to try to use me to make money for your coaching business, I know that this isn’t really about feminism or doing better or whatever bullshit you want to feed me.

And I know that when I call you on your shit, you’re probably going to become aggressive.

If I’m going to have to deal with that, I want to get paid.

You should have to invest something

Talking about the oppression women face is upsetting and difficult, because I too face that oppression. Dealing with the risk of another threat, another man calling me a bitch, another man attempting to exploit or steal my labor feels shitty.

So I immediately have skin in the game when these questions appear. You should, too. Put your money where your blathering is.

You can submit it as a Feminist Advice Friday question

If you really want to hear what I think and don’t want to pay, you can submit your query as a Feminist Advice Friday question. I’ve offed this option to many men. Almost none take it. Men have historically not fared well in the column, and my readers are more than happy to light their asses up when they act badly. Men who write me don’t want to publicly expose themselves to judgment and derision. They don’t want to have to commit to a story. They just want personalized attention from me.

If you’re a man who wants to convince me of your feminist credentials, the very best thing you can do is stop trying to monopolize my time.

If you actually care about women, stop demanding so much of our time. Stop demanding that we hold your hand and drag you into better behavior. Do the work your damn selves, just like we have had to.