I'm quiet quitting. What about sex?

A reader wonders how to quiet quit without turning sex into a war.

A reader asks…

What do you recommend/what have people tried in terms of sex if you're quiet quitting?

My answer

I think before answering your question, we need to get clear about what quiet quitting is and is not.

Quiet quitting is not a way to get your husband to behave better (although, if he’s especially awful, he might temporarily behave a little better because he thinks your lack of demands means you’re happy with him). It’s also not a permanent solution.

It’s a way to cope with an inadequate or abusive marriage, preserving as much time and as many resources as possible, while you hatch your plan to leave—even if you know leaving is a decade or more away.

The idea is that you deserve to enjoy your life now, so you’re not going to waste three hours a week doing his laundry, another hour begging him to listen, and another hour fighting with him.

In an ideal world, quiet quitting also means quitting sex. It means saying a hard and firm no, then not allowing him to guilt you. When I first recommended quiet quitting, I told women they should also avoid sex.

Having sex with someone you dislike wastes your time, exploits your body, and rewards him for being a shitwad. You get to do what you want with your body, and for some women, finally saying a permanent no to sex is incredibly freeing. That’s doubly true since most of them have been pressured, for years, to have sex with abusive men who smell bad, hurt them, and make them feel awful.

The reality, though, is that sex can have many different meanings in different relationships, and its purpose may shift over time.

In a patriarchy, we are all taught to believe that sex should have one specific meaning. That it should be a signal of love and intimacy, for example. That it must be pure and honest, never done in an attempt to improve someone’s mood or behavior. That it should follow a specific script. All of these scripts center men’s needs. That’s why most of us think sex begins when the man penetrates the woman and ends with his orgasm.

Sex can be whatever you want it to be. Inspired by the freedom of quiet quitting, you can now rethink your sexual relationship.

You know your situation best. If your partner is abusive or dangerous, having sex with him may be the best way to keep him from spiraling out of control.

Many women report to me that, once they are no longer committed to the relationship, the meaning of everything changes. Sex once felt like they were giving in; but they now feel they can use it to their advantage. This is the benefit of quiet quitting. You’re now free to think about what works in your relationship, how to use transactional actions to your benefit, and how to minimize the distress you feel in this relationship.

A handful of women have told me that having sex puts their partner in a good mood for a few days, so they have obligation sex—checked out the whole time—at regular intervals to keep their partners from becoming assholes.

Some, though, have cultivated another strategy. They find that dangling the possibility of sex in front of their husbands causes their husbands to behave better for a day or two, and maybe even to do some household labor. They calculate how much good behavior they can get out of offering sex, delay sex for a few days, then relent. A day or two later, they dangle sex again.

I can already feel my male readers gasping in horror. How very dare women treat sex as transactional? How dare they use it to manipulate men. Oh, irony.

Men have long asserted that they are unwilling to do their fair share in marriage if they can’t get sex. So if sex is going to be transactional, make it transactional. If sex is not for the woman, use it in service of better behavior from the man.

Get creative. Think about what’s likely to work best for you.

Readers, please consider sharing your own stories of sex when you’re quiet quitting.