Quiet quitting 101: How to emotionally detach from your sexist or abusive partner

What to do when you have to stay married.

Marriage is a huge gamble. And when women lose, they lose big. Men can abuse them, kill them, weaponize the family court system against them for years. And most bystanders will tell them to keep trying, to keep going to therapy, to keep asking what they can do differently until it’s too late.

Most women come to feminist consciousness too late. By then, they’re already married. And they may have spent years being gaslit, thinking that if they just communicate better or make more lists or become more deserving, their husbands will treat them like human beings who matter.

They won’t.

The truth in most heterosexual marriages is that he is never going to change. Men are taught not to view women as people, to prioritize their desires above others’ basic needs, and to never sacrifice for women. This is why they make the same arguments and excuses, and why the behaviors of sexist men are all so similar. If your husband relaxes while you work, systematically ignores your needs, denigrates your body, emotionally abuses you, mistreats your children, or engages in other acts of abuse and unkindness, rest assured that he has swallowed patriarchal indoctrination whole. He will not change until he wants to—and as long as he is able to keep reaping the benefits of patriarchy, he won’t want to change.

Every moment spend pleading with him, every hour spent in couples therapy, every hopeless page you read of Fair Play is time you have wasted on someone who doesn’t deserve it. You can’t save your marriage. You cannot convince someone wearing a blindfold to see your humanity.

I’ve advised women for a long time that, if they can’t leave, they should quiet quit—either as a bridge to leaving or as a way of buckling down and dealing until a door out opens.

Quiet quitting is a worst-case scenario, not the solution to every bad marriage. If you can find any way at all to leave, you should. I’ve written more extensively about leaving an abusive marriage here, btw.

If you need time to save money, or to build your case, or for your kids to grow up, consider emotionally exiting until a physical exit becomes possible.

But advising this and doing it are two very different things. The harms of living in an abusive, exploitative marriage are real. No amount of freeing your mind is going to reverse all the damage your spouse is causing, especially if they are also harming your children. Quiet quitting involves a lot of skill and emotional intelligence. Here are my tips for emotionally detaching so you can improve your quality of life:

Develop a plan

Quiet quitting does not work when it’s haphazard. You need to be clear with yourself about what you’re doing—and also about what your long-term goal is. If your marriage is bad enough to emotionally check out of, then it is bad enough to leave, and ultimately, you must keep your eyes on that prize.

Having an exit date, as well as a plan to get there, will help you push forward when things are impossibly difficult. Some questions to ask as you develop your plan include:

• What am I going to do to keep myself sane for the months or years I’m stuck with this guy?

• What specifically needs to happen for me to be able to leave? For example, are you waiting till your kids are teenagers, or until you can save up enough money?

• Are you truly committed to quiet quitting? Quiet quitting will not improve your life until you have fully given up on the marriage, and accepted that he is never going to change.

• What does quiet quitting mean to me? Some helpful goals might include:

  • I will no longer waste time arguing with my spouse.

  • I will stop meeting my spouse’s demands or needs when I can safely do so.

  • I will seek outside help rather than relying on my partner for emotional help or household support.

  • I will encourage my partner to be physically gone as much as possible.

  • I will gray rock my partner so that I do not inadvertently reward his abuse.

  • I will center and prioritize other relationships.

  • I will reclaim my right to take care of my own needs, and I will invest in resources—childcare, carpool, support from other mothers—that optimize my ability to meet those needs.

  • I will not waste time on fruitless tasks that take time away from the things I need or want to do. For example, you will no longer spend two hours fighting about household labor every week.

  • I will begin detaching from my spouse so I can become accustomed to doing everything without him.

  • I will stand up for my children to my spouse. I will physically remove them from the situation if he is unkind or abusive.

  • I will no longer allow my partner’s moods, unkindness, or neglect to upset me.

  • I will not rely on my relationship as a source of self-esteem.

  • I will not do things to help my partner save face in front of others. I will not lie about his bad treatment or buy presents for his family.

  • I will stop investigating why my partner is so cruel, and instead spend that time caring for myself.

Build your support system

You are not going to be able to quiet quit from a lonely island. No one can do everything themselves; the notion that mothers can or should is one of the most significant harms of patriarchy.

This shit is hard.

And it’s even harder when you have a partner actively undermining you. You deserve love and support. Stop seeking it from misogynistic men, and begin building your community of mothers and feminists.

Join a club. Get to know the other mothers at your kids’ school. Volunteer. Meet your neighbors. And tell the people you meet the truth about your marriage and your spouse. They could one day be witnesses for you—and in the meantime, if they know what you’re struggling with, they may be more inclined to intervene and help.

A network of people you love and trust can mean access to free childcare, to a precious break, to lower stress traveling, and so much more. Take the time to invest in community.

Acknowledge and manage your emotions

At some point, you loved your husband. Maybe you still do. The broken dreams of a patriarchal marriage can be pure agony. Thinking back on what you dreamed of—perhaps what you once though you actually had—and comparing it to what you have today can be devastating. It’s especially hard when you know that your husband has deliberately chosen this shit, and that you both could have had so much more and so much better if only he were less of an asshole.

You’re allowed to grieve and be sad.

Take the time to do that, but ensure that this is what you’re doing. Too often, women instead focus on painful distractions like:

• Why is he like this?

• What can I do to help him be better?

• Did he ever really love me?

• Did I deserve this?

• Is this because of childhood trauma?

• Does he have ADHD/autism?

The why doesn’t matter. What matters is that you deserve better. Quiet quitting is about acknowledging that this is done, and no longer taking responsibility for his life and emotions. Focus instead on your needs, your grief, your sadness. This is the only way to truly move through your emotions and come out stronger on the other side. Plus, ruminating on his emotions is a waste of precious time—something he’s probably already stolen from you in abundant quantities.

Be prepared for backlash

If your marriage is bad enough and divorce is risky enough that you have to quiet quit, your husband is likely abusive in some capacity—even if it’s a kind of abuse society doesn’t recognize, such as buying his leisure with your fatigue.

To your husband, your role is utilitarian. You exist to serve him and make his life better. So when you reduce the extent to which you are willing to do so, you can expect backlash. Moreover, men are indoctrinated to believe that their mere presence in a woman’s life is a gift, especially if they have a job. So don’t be surprised if your husband now thinks he’s doing more in the relationship than you are, even when he continues to do nothing.

The backlash may be intense.

True quiet quitting means that you must not react. You must do all you can to preserve your safety and sanity, including completely ignoring him or leaving until he can calm down. You’re going to need to give up the need to be right or win, and instead prioritize just getting through his manbaby tantrums.

Understand that patriarchy rots men’s brains

One thing that may help you navigate your grief, as well as any backlash that comes from your husband, is to treat patriarchy like a disease. Your husband has been so indoctrinated to patriarchal beliefs that he cannot think for himself. That’s why he, and every other sexist man, continues to use the exact same talking points.

Patriarchy has destroyed whoever he could have been, whoever he would have been, in a better society. That person is gone. Your husband has chosen to give into sexist bullshit. And empathy won’t change that; because men wedded to sexist thinking don’t care about women or their needs, and do not change unless and until they face serious consequences.

When your partner degrades you, yells at you, tells you you don’t matter, he’s not really speaking as an independent entity with his own thoughts. He’s speaking as a cult member. He’s been brainwashed. Realizing that this is about his dysfunctional, damaged brain, his obsessive worship of sexism, may make it easier to stomach.

That doesn’t mean he deserves one shred of empathy. Because lots of men resist or leave this cult. He’s chosen this. Fuck him.

Understand the manipulative tools abusive men use

As someone infected with the disease of patriarchy, your husband has a limited and predictable number of tools available to him. He’ll pull them out of the toolbox, one by one, to see how well they work. And because each is designed to play on a fear patriarchy inculcates into women, they may initially have the intended effect.

Once you know what the weapons are, and why he’s using them, you’ll be better prepared.

I have an entire series on patriarchal weapons here.

Quiet quitting is challenging. It takes practice, and it is always the inferior option to leaving. So if you know you want to leave, please consider whether doing so might be possible. I discuss that in more detail here.

Readers, what are your tips for effectively quiet quitting?