In a healthy society, here's what we'd ask about household labor inequality

Instead of asking whether she's tried hard enough, consider asking how much he has taken from her.

Every woman who has ever complained about household labor inequality, or a husband’s woefully inadequate parenting, or chronic emotional abuse and neglect, or a partner who won’t acknowledge her birthday, or any of the myriad other issues that systematically denigrate and demoralize women is inevitably met with the same question:

“But did you try communicating with him? Just make him a list!”

As if these women have never tried, well, trying. As if women are so dumb that they have to be told to use their mouth-words to communicate.

Women spend their whole lives being enculturated into the belief that they must fix all people they encounter and all relationship problems. So the very idea that a woman would never think to communicate with her partner, the notion that a woman in a patriarchy would try too little rather than too hard, is nothing short of ludicrous.

Every time we ask a woman if she has done enough, we re-center the man, making him the star of her life. These questions show that what our society really cares about is women serving men. We want women to prove that they’ve suffered enough to leave. Never mind the fact that, by the time a woman has suffered enough to leave, she’s likely given up her entire life, as well as her earning power, for a man—and the courts will not make her whole.

So what would discussions of household labor inequality look like in a healthy society?

And what should women be asking themselves?

Here are the more feminist alternatives to, “But have you tried making a list?”

• What could you have done with the time he has taken from you?

• How many hours of your life has he stolen?

• How has his exploitation undermined your health and well-being?

• How much of your time did he waste making excuses and pretending to want equality?

• How have his excuses further eroded your sense of well-being, and your sense that you deserve a good life?

• How has your free labor offered him opportunities? Have you made promotions at work, relationships with loved ones, and a comfortable home possible?

• How has your labor enabled him to grow while you were forced to shrink?

• How many times has he ignored your clear, specific pleas for different behavior?

• In what ways has he threatened you into accepting the status quo?

• How would your life improve without him?

Domestic labor inequity is knowing, deliberate theft. And that makes it abuse. It is the responsibility of the abuser to stop—not of the abuse survivor to fix them.

An important note: I’m collecting data for a new survey on the state of marriage. It’s a follow up to my last survey on the topic. Please participate, and consider sharing! You can find the survey here.