Welcome to motherhood. Fuck you.

Remember that no matter what you're doing as a mother, it's wrong. Also, you're entitled and spoiled for demanding better. Remember you wanted this.

If you’re new to this publication, this probably needs some kind of warning that I am being sarcastic, and mocking the widespread sexism in our culture—not embracing it.

Sometimes I like to take a break from my relaxing, idyllic, stress-free life of entitlement as a working mother (lol jk mothers don’t work and that’s why they have to do so much for their men, who are doing the Real Work of sitting behind a desk eight hours a day) to peruse the Internet. As a Good Mother, I would of course never do this in front of my children, or when my house needs cleaning, or when there is anything else that needs doing, because Family Comes First!

Anyway, you know what I find during my Internet Me Time during which I research parenting and how to be a better wife?

Whiners.

God, mothers and their entitlement.

All day every day, it’s women posting to message boards wondering why their husbands won't do their fair share. Moms complaining about the challenges of breastfeeding, the agony of postpartum recovery, the fact that no one takes their pelvic floor issues seriously, the boss who won't pay them for maternity leave, the other boss who fired them for getting pregnant, and the family members who keep showing up, demanding to be entertained, and criticizing their parenting.

I mean, sure. Motherhood isn't always perfect. Sometimes you have to do laundry or something. It's not like it's hard, though. Now that I'm a mother, I can say with confidence that all the other mothers are whiners. Motherhood is easy.

This realization first dawned on me when I was pushing out my baby. I think it was around the time that her shoulders ripped my body in half that I found myself most deeply reflecting on the ease of being a mother. It was then that I also realized that asking men to split parenting duties is just unfair. After all, they don't have the biological love of laundry that we do! And paid family leave? Come on, ladies! Quit the laziness and get back to work/never work again. Chronic pain? Come on, genitals rip open all the time. Totes easy! Just ask a man recovering from a vasectomy.

Sure, occasionally you might have to solve a problem or two. For example, breast is best, and anything less is child abuse. But you must never allow anyone, ever, to see your breast. Otherwise you're a show-off whore. Avoid nursing in public, or do so only under a cover. Your baby must also never cry, so if she dislikes the cover, the solution is simple: never leave your home.

While you're breastfeeding your kid the 8-1,000 times per day the lactation consultant recommends, let's talk about a topic every mother knows all too well: laziness. Don't expect the state to support you. And relying on the man who never gets up in the middle of the night with your baby? LOL. Get back to work. Don't even think about demanding time to pump breastmilk. Full time or no time at all. Pump when you're at home, and enjoy the pleasurable sensation of your breasts becoming slowly engorged as the day wears on.

As you're leisurely returning to work and enjoying spending every waking second breastfeeding and pumping, remember that you're still a woman! Motherhood is no excuse to let yourself go. Get back to your pre-baby shape within six weeks, or don't be surprised if your husband cheats. Of course, you don't want to be accused of being vain, or taking time away from your baby. So spend your sleeping time exercising. Baby comes first! Sleep comes last!

On the sleep front, I have good news! There are plenty of Parenting Experts who are ready to help you thrive in the incredibly easy new role you occupy. Because I have not slept through the night in seven years, I’ve spent a lot of time on parenting websites, and have distilled their wisdom for you here. Here is what I have learned from pregnancy and parenting sites:

Pregnancy is beautiful. Also, be sure to laugh at all the jokes our website is going to make about gross pregnancy bodies because yuck.

Be sure to get the right nutrition! You need a ton of protein and fiber or else your baby will die and it will be your fault! But not too much! Don't get fat, because then your baby will die and that will be your fault, too!

Breast is best! Start getting ready for your breastfeeding journey! But don't get too excited. You don't want to be one of those moms. Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't be a selfish narcissist who demands praise for breastfeeding.

Fed is best! Whatever you feed your baby is fine. Also, you're a terrible mom.

Be understanding if your spouse hates your pregnant body. Men need time to adjust! It's harder for them. You? No, you don't get time to adjust. God, you women and your stupid hormones causing you to talk about your ridiculous "needs."

It's important to nurture your relationship with your spouse. Sex can support intimacy. But not too much. Don't get carried away, you whore. Remember, your body is gross.

Speaking of sex, your vagina was totally gross during birth, so you'll need to do some extra work with your husband to convince him to still love you after you push out his child.

It's not his fault that it turns out he actually doesn't really like vaginas, or the women that come with them, and now can't stop having flashbacks to the birth. Everyone knows birth is harder on men than on women. That's truefacts. Just one more reason you shouldn't even think about asking for a push present. The baby is present enough! You're lucky your husband let you have one! Just remember that if you got pain meds you're weak and if you didn't you're a crunchy anti-vaxer who might soon be stalked by the Skeptical OB. However you gave birth, rest assured you did it wrong.

Listen to your body. Unless it tells you to eat more food or do the things you enjoy.

Stay energetic! Don't drink caffeine, you child abuser.

Avoid dangerous foods. But don't expect anyone to accommodate you. That's selfish.

Ask for help when you need it! Don't be annoying, though, and definitely don't make this political. The fact that your job expects you to work while giving birth is a personal issue, for Christ sake.

People are going to want to touch you! Let them! Your body belongs to society now! Be gracious! They mean well! You're not a person and you don't matter.

Make time for yourself. But don't neglect your other kids or your husband. You deserve a break. So give up sleep and call showering self-care.

Thinking of co-sleeping with your baby? You're already a murderer. Get up 22 times each evening to breastfeed instead. Bear in mind, though, that by putting your baby in a crib you're disrupting his attachment system, so find a way to levitate your baby above your bed while you sleep. Otherwise you're just a loser.

Be sure to stay active so you don't kill your baby because you're a lazy bad mother.

Stay off your feet, though, to prevent swelling. But not too much. Just stay off your feet and then don't. Not sure what that means? Ask your provider. But don't annoy them with questions.

Make a birth plan. Don't expect it to be followed. That's entitlement.

Be sure to do lots of research so you can pick a good provider. The United States is the most dangerous place in the wealthy world to give birth, so ask lots of questions. But not too many. Defer to your doctor! They know best and never make mistakes! That's why so many women are dying in doctors' care.

Enjoy your pregnancy. No, not that way.

Share your joy with others. No, don't post about it on social media.

Have a good pregnancy! Don't tell people it's good. That's bragging. You’re not special for doing something that a man would brag about literally forever if he managed to do it. For the love of God, don’t embarrass womankind by taking pride in your pregnancy, your birth, or your work as a mother.

Be realistic about pregnancy. No, not like that. Don't complain. Just don’t make things seem too great, either, lest you offend someone. Actually, just don’t talk.

Talk to your OB about everything.

Don't let yourself go. Wear sexy clothes. No, don't. That's slutty and a waste of money.

Never, ever spend anything on yourself. This isn't about you. You're not a person.

Don't give up on your marriage, your career, your friendships, your hobby, your unrealistically perfect appearance, your garden, your volunteer activities. And remember that if you ever miss any quality time with your child, you're a bad mom.

Explore the world with your child so they can learn through play. Bring out the flashcards when they’re two days old. Make sure to travel. But never inconvenience anyone else with your child. Don’t take your child out in public.

Remember not to let your house go, or you'll model unhealthy living to your child. Keep that place in sparkling, tip-top shape. Don't hire a maid. God, all you have to do is be a mother. Why can’t you clean? Simply multi-task! Did you know that you can easily nurse while lifting weights, cooking dinner, and cleaning? Make things even more fun by attaching a breast pump to one nipple while your little bundle of joy is on the other.

Be sure to check in with your husband about his feelings. Ask him for help if you need it. But don't nag him, you fucking shrew. This is hard for him. So make sure you give him lots of encouragement. It's your job to support him, including as a giant child emerges from your vagina/from a giant wound in your stomach. By the way, he thinks those things are gross. Just be glad he doesn't beat you, and find time to celebrate the real hero of this whole thing--the man who does nothing.

Maybe if you're really lucky, your special guy will put in a couple of hours a week baby-sitting. Don't correct him! That makes him feel bad. And for God's sake, never, ever encourage him to spend more time with your child or do more chores, you shrew. Men hate nagging. And Lord knows, after all the suffering he's been through, your man doesn't need any more stress.

Most importantly of all, remember that no matter what you do, it is wrong. To be a mother is to be wrong. You are failing us all. And convincing you of this fact is critical to controlling all women.

When being a bad mother is the worst thing you can be, you can convince women to do just about anything to avoid that label. But the label is unavoidable in a society where all mothers are wrong, just by existing.

What’s that? You think this might be a feminist issue? Oh, friend. You chose to be a mother. Good luck getting mainstream feminism to care. They have actually important things to care about. You know, like debating whether sex workers are human and arguing with bros on the Internet about chimpanzee gender roles.