Sexism is the core problem in most heterosexual relationships
Most people enter their relationships woefully unprepared to not harm one another. Here's why I think sexism is still the core issue.
I’ve been listening to left-leaning male relationship gurus lately. I’ve previously been really critical of these dudes, so readers might be surprised. But I think people like Mark Groves add something valuable to the discussion, and can teach men skills they refuse to learn from their partners. My complaint about these men has nothing to do with them being men who counsel people how to have relationships; my concern is when they turn their attention to women, or pretend to be experts on sexism.
These guys talk a lot about the cycle of invalidation in relationships—how people, especially men, have to be taught to care about the things that matter to their partners. They talk about listening, about offering love, about compassion and support. I find myself nodding in agreement, only to pause, reflect, and remind myself that they’re missing something critical.
Sexism.
Men mistreat their partners because sexism teaches them to ignore, dismiss, and mock women’s needs. And women underestimate the severity of sexism in their relationships, or find themselves drawn to sexist men, because society teaches them from birth to lower their standards and accept abuse.
Sexism is the core problem in most relationships. Not because it is the only problem—or even necessarily the most serious problem (at least in the beginning). But ultimately, I think most relationships die of terminal sexism.
But what about all the obnoxious things women do in relationships?
Before I delve into the terminal nature of relationship sexism, I want to acknowledge that most relationships have other problems, too—and that many of those problem come from the woman.
Our culture devalues anything coded feminine, and that includes the entire range of skills necessary to sustain relationships. Women are naturally good at communication, nurturing, and relationships, the lie goes, and therefore these things aren’t skills a person can learn.
Relationship quality is the single most important predictor of our happiness and health. In spite of this, we devote hundreds of hours to teaching kids academic and sports skills they may never need, and almost nothing to teaching or modeling how to have a good relationship.
My own experience with the women I support has taught me otherwise. Women have a variety of dysfunctional relationship patterns. Some that I commonly see include:
Derisively peppering every written sentence with LOL or LMAO as a way of dismissing and denigrating the other person.
Speaking or behaving passive aggressively: “Well I guess the bin will just take itself out then.”
Speaking indirectly or giving mixed messages about one’s needs.
Meeting criticism with defensiveness.
Applying labels to behavior (“You’re an asshole”) rather than identifying the behavior (“You ignored me in front of your friends”).
Deriding someone for not conforming to gender stereotypes.
Weaponizing therapy speak to condescend to and dismiss the other person.
Sometimes these behaviors are a justifiable response to abuse, or part of the process of quiet quitting. But often, it’s just that none of us get enough training on how to have good relationships. We lack emotional control. We get frustrated.
It is, truly, not just men.
But this is ultimately irrelevant.
Why women get better at relationships while men get worse
When women experience problems in their relationships, they almost always look inward first. Even when the problem resides solely in the man—such as when he refuses to do a fair or equitable share of household or parenting labor—she’s the one to read the books. She’ll go to therapy, improve her communication, learn about boundaries, consult parenting experts, and so much more.
This is because we indoctrinate women from birth to believe that they are the problem, and to give men the benefit of the doubt. Society blames women for our own problems, and does everything it can to let men off the hook.
Witness the slew of feminist coaches, authors, and experts telling women we need to communicate better about household labor inequity, and instructing us that if a man gets defensive it’s because we handled his bad behavior incorrectly. Consider the people who blame every bad male behavior on neurodivergence, and the mental health experts who tell women that the problem is one of love languages, not male entitlement.
So women try endlessly. And when it doesn’t work, when the abuse continues or worsens, we ask her why she didn’t leave earlier. It’s always her fault.
Trying does pay off. Women get progressively better at relationships. After all, many women are stuck in relationships with explosive, abusive men who act like toddlers. They learn how to gentle parent their husbands into slightly better behavior. They learn not to demand anything of their husbands. So their husbands get progressively worse at relationships while their wives improve.
Over time, as the woman improves and the man spirals, this causes most relationships to converge on one core problem: misogyny.
It’s about sexism, not communication or relationship skills
A relationship, as Dan Savage has repeatedly said, is something individuals create together. It has to evolve and change as the individuals within it do, and what you co-create together can change substantially over time.
But what if only one person is actively thinking about what to co-create? What if only one member of the couple is interested in negotiating, communicating, and planning their way into a better relationship?
That’s what patriarchy offers in most heterosexual relationships. You get a relationship based around whatever the man’s default settings are. And any attempt to change those settings into something that works better for everyone is met with defensiveness, excuses, and sometimes with threats.
Every relationship has its own unique problems. In a patriarchal society, though, misogyny is the thing that prevents couples from ever addressing those problems. Because men can weaponize threats and fear to refuse to change. Because men have been taught that they shouldn’t ever have to change. Because men learn from birth that they owe women nothing, and that women should accept them exactly as they are.
Patriarchy might not be the only relationship problem. But it’s the one that prevents couples from safely building anything of lasting value. And that’s not something a woman can ever communicate her way out of.
It doesn’t matter how much you steadily improve if you’re with someone who thinks he never has to do anything.
Yes, this!
We were 13 years in, I'd done so much work trying to support him and work with him. To improve my communication and boundaries.
And how did he ultimately respond? "You aren't the person I married." He as proud of not changing at all, and mad at me for being different. Over a decade of living together and multiple children, and the ONE thing he was proud of was acting exactly the same as he had while single!
The only useful part was that it confirmed we were NOT compatible.
I think a LOT of us have gotten to a point where we've "graduated" out of the relationships men offer. Sorry, I am actually too Good At Communication to spend my off-work time trying to decipher some dude who is apparently allergic to nouns (or whatever).
An example from my professional (I am a family law attorney) life:
A couple weeks ago, I went with my man client to a hearing on Temporary Custody and child support. The mom's attorney came into our little conference room, and made an offer about custody and visitation. My dude wanted to discuss it with me, do the other attorney left. What followed was 30 minutes of nonsense. The first thing my client said was "ok but if I do the thing she says, I won't be able to do that other thing? Or like are they equal? How am I supposed to do both things?" Friends, I had NO IDEA what he was asking. I told him so, and he just kept repeating vague hypothetical questions without ever letting me know what "the thing" means to him in the several contexts where he said that phrase. Eventually, I actually said to him, "dude I am BEGGING you to Use Nouns. I cannot help you if you won't tell me in words WHAT The Thing is."
And he was... So confused. Like dude is 38 years old and nobody ever told him that you have to use nouns to identify subjects and objects. And it is absolutely no wonder his ex cannot talk to him. Because he just says the same absolute nothingburger sentences over and over, as if the problem was that I "missed" what he said. No, bruh, you are NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
I was there with him for 2+ hours, and I am certain I could've learned and accomplished a splenectomy more easily than figuring out what he wanted.
This isn't even uncommon. Dudes apparently do not know that they are bad at Communicating because they think that "just saying any old words" is the same thing as "carefully explaining/naming an idea." And I absolutely cannot deal with that unless I am also charging hundreds of dollars an hour.