Why the threat of violence lurks in every unequal relationship
Fear of violence often prevents women from demanding better.
For years, we’ve been gaslighting women about household inequality—and frankly, about every other relationship problem, whether it’s mismatched libidos, emotional neglect, bad parenting, or refusing to acknowledge Mother’s Day.
We tell women to communicate better, because apparently we collectively believe that the human male is typically born without eyes, or has eyes that only function well at work, or because we believe men have defective brains but are somehow natural leaders, or whatever other bullshit patriarchy is peddling this week. It’s always her job to fix him, because men can’t possibly learn on their own.
When better communication fails, we tell women to go to couples counseling, where they face gaslighting and more bullshit. Or we instruct them to try the Fair Play method. We do this because we want to pretend household inequality (and the problems that accompany it, like bad parenting and emotional abuse) is an accident. But that’s not true. These imbalances exist by design. Because men like it this way. Because women’s labor benefits men.
And free labor—ideally from a sex-bot they can exploit in other ways—is not something men easily give up. Which is why so many men respond to demands for more household equality with violence.
Violence lurks in the corner of every unequal relationship. It is the silent partner that helps maintain the inequality. And deep down, most women know this already.