The real reason your husband constantly undermines your parenting (paid subscriber bonus)
Men who constantly undermine their partner's parenting don't think that parenting actually matters, or that there is any particular standard to which they must aspire.
If you’re like most mothers, setting your children up to have a happy, healthy life is the focal point of your existence. And getting things right in the moment—reducing tantrums, getting kids to bed on time, reducing friction at school—may be the single most important thing you can do to lower your stress level and improve your quality of life.
Why, then, does it seem like so many male partners give absolutely zero fucks about quality parenting? Why is it that online mommy groups are filled with women whose partners are actively and aggressively undermining them?
These men endanger their children by leaving them unattended in the bathtub or insisting on not buckling the carseat. Then they gaslight the child’s mother by calling her hysterical, or making every debate about safety an act of emotional violence.
They won’t read parenting books, or listen to experts, or do what the teacher/tutor/therapist says is necessary.
They yell. They hit. They threaten and name-call. And they vacillate between being aggressively authoritarian and refusing to enforce any boundaries at all.
They can’t parent independently. They won’t put the kids to bed on time or feed them healthy foods, and when they’re called out on this, they shriek about how “We just have different standards!” or accuse mom of maternal gatekeeping.
They undermine their partners in front of the kids. They adopt the role of “fun dad” in contrast to that boring, mean mom to nurture an alliance with the kids and encourage the kids to disobey mom.
And then they tell mom that her parenting isn’t working. That’s the real reason they won’t read the books/listen to her/follow a routine. And of course it’s not working. Because he set it up that way. He’s made it such that the family can’t follow a routine or a system, and the kids cannot have any kind of predictability.
He’ll reassure himself he’s a good father, maybe even brag about it to you. That’s because there is no bar for men. Simply not murdering the kids is all it takes for him to be a good dad. Meanwhile, no matter what a mother does, someone will always be there to tell her she’s doing it wrong.
He’s not actually a good dad at all. His aggressive undermining is an act of abuse, and a sign he doesn’t care about you.
So what the fuck is this asshole doing, and why is he doing it?