"Why are you being so emotional?": The weapons abusive men use in arguments (paid subscriber bonus)
Abusers define women as emotional, define emotions as inherently irrational, and then decide anything that's not a woman must be rational (because they're bad at logic).
Last week I wrote an article about abortion. I do this every week for work, and I always get a handful of obnoxious comments. This time, someone wanted to pick at a linguistic choice. They asked about my choice, and I explained it, with links to additional resources.
They responded with multiple comments accusing me of being emotional, of making personal attacks, and being unable to communicate effectively because of my emotional overreactions.
This is a common tactic for shutting down feminist discourse: Look at this emotional woman! She’s so bitter! Look at her reciting scientific facts with a vulcan-like detachment! She’s so hysterical and unhappy!
When it happens online, it’s easy to dismiss. Clearly the commenter didn’t like what I said, had their own negative emotional reaction, and then projected that reaction onto me. But what about when it’s someone who’s supposed to love you? What if it’s someone who knows your vulnerabilities? What if they spend years telling you your completely rational behavior is a sign that you’re too sensitive, too emotional, too irrational?
This behavior can look like:
Your partner blaming everything you say and you do on hormones.
Your partner attributing reasonable emotions to mental illness.
Being told to “stop being so emotional!” when you respond calmly and rationally to something, or when you attempt to confront an issue in the relationship.
Your partner treating their own emotions either as not emotions at all, or as inherently rational.
I answered a Feminist Advice Friday question a few weeks ago from a man who was clearly the sort to label everything he does as rational, and everything his partner does as emotional. While his behavior is pretty extreme, I bet a lot of readers will see parallels in their own relationships.
So what’s going on here? And how do you break out of this trap?
This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:
The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”
The weapons sexist men use in fights: Blaming women for their reactions to bad behavior
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”
The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean
The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”