Why is Mother's Day an issue for so many men?

The real reason so many husbands fuck up Mother's Day year after year: They want to, and the slight is intentional.

Mother’s Day is coming. I know this not because of the crafts my daughter is making in kindergarten, or because of the proliferation of Mother’s Day cards everywhere, but because my inbox is suddenly full of unbelievable stories of male bullshit.

It seems that many men celebrate Mother’s Day by doing everything in their power to make their partners feel like shit.

They ignore the day entirely and leave to go golfing, because by God, nothing will stop him from doing everything exactly as he pleases at all times.

They tell their women partners that they won’t celebrate them because “You’re not my mother.”

They ignore their own mothers and demand that their wives take care of celebrating them.

They tell their partners that they’re being selfish for wanting a break from the kids, or for doing the same thing he does everyday—skipping out on cleaning and meal preparation.

They tell their partners that they’re not entitled to gifts, or to being celebrated, because their children are presents enough. As if, in a sexist world where women risk their lives to give birth and men continue to do far less of the parenting labor than their partners, children are gifts men give to women.

Or they suddenly claim to be anti-captialist, to oppose “Hallmark holidays,” and to not like forced celebration (even though they have no problem with “fake” holidays that involve celebrating them, or with capitalism when it means they get to exploit their partners’ free labor indefinitely).

Here are some of my most popular Mother’s Day posts over the past few years. They sum up the problem quite well (btw, you can read each post in full by clicking on the image).

What in the fuck is going on here? How did Mother’s Day become the day women are most likely to post to mom’s groups about the terrible and abusive comments their partners have made? How did Mother’s Day become the international day of undermining mothers?

This is the question so many of my followers ask me this week. They want me to explain to them the coded meaning of their husbands’ actions.

Some of them want to believe that their partners’ neurodivergence is to blame, even though neurodivergent women seem to have no trouble celebrating their partners, and even though the reminders that Mother’s Day is coming are goddamn everywhere, and even though neurodivergent men are somehow able to remember and follow through with the things that are important to men. 

Others think their partners “just aren’t good at celebrating,” in spite of strong evidence that their partners expect to be celebrated on their own holidays. 

Or they believe their partners’ stupid-ass excuses. “You’re not my mother.” “You’re not a mother yet.” “It’s not my job to celebrate you.” 

This male bullshit is all a smoke screen. 

Because your partner knows Mother’s Day is happening, and if you have told him it’s important to you, he knows that too. There’s nothing here to interpret, no complex coded message, nothing to understand. 

The message is simple, and clear: He intends to slight you, and he does not wish to celebrate you. He knows this upsets you, and he either does not care or enjoys your pain. 

This is the critical insight missing from Mother’s Day discourse: male bullshit is intentional, and the meanness is the point. 

Men across the nation are intentionally slighting their partners because they do not think their partners’ work really matters. Or because they do not want their partners to feel like their work matters. 

Men are raised, from birth, to believe that they owe women nothing, and that mothers’ work is trivial and value-less. Mother’s Day is so often a problem because it’s one of the few days that men are expected to give to women.

If your partner doesn’t give to you on Mother’s Day, it’s because he doesn’t think he should have to. And that belief always echoes throughout the relationship, not just on the holidays.

They’re replicating the cruelty society inflicts on mothers across institutions and settings. They’re telling them they don’t matter. Because they can. Because they want to. Because they want to devalue you. 

If your partner is one of these men, let this be the last Mother’s Day he does this. Listen to his message that you don’t matter to him. 

Leave. 

You’re allowed to want a single day of celebration. Mothers are allowed to want things. 

You matter. He’s the problem.