I can't remember what my boundaries are, let alone enforce them: Feminist Advice Friday
A reader knows she needs to set better boundaries, but doesn't know where to begin.
A reader asks…
I’m a recovering people pleaser trying to get better at setting boundaries. It is not going well. After years of catering to everyone but myself, my life is filled with people who prioritize their needs over mine, and who walk all over my boundaries. As a result, I can’t even remember what boundaries I’ve set, let alone figure out how to enforce them.
Can you help?
My answer
You cannot please everyone. At the core of the people pleasing philosophy is the belief that one must avoid conflict, and especially that one must avoid conflict with those who are likely to overreact. As such, people pleasing isn’t really a general orientation toward making people happy. It’s a disposition of avoiding conflict with powerful people and those who tend to react unreasonably.
In this regard, it reinforces power structures. Consider, for example, how a white people pleaser will behave when her boss says something racist. It also rewards unreasonable behavior, such as when your people pleasing causes you not to hold your volatile father or racist friend accountable.
I encourage you to begin reframing your identity. You’re not a people pleaser. You’re someone whose anxiety inadvertently reinforces harmful behavior. Correctly identifying this behavior can help you evolve past it.
Once you do that, setting boundaries becomes easier. Most people who struggle with setting boundaries do so because, on some level, they believe that they are not entitled to have rules about how people must treat them. They perceive boundaries as mean, even abusive. The boundary-violators all around them are all-too-eager to affirm this belief.
But boundaries—and the directness they require—are kindness. They teach people what to expect from you, and identify the specific relationship standards you live by. This empowers people to freely choose relationships with you, and eliminates the possibility that maltreatment is just a misunderstanding.
You deserve boundaried relationships because these are the only relationships that can be healthy. So how do you go about building them?
I love it that boundary-setting and healthy relationship dynamics have made their way into the zeitgeist. For perhaps the first time ever, the notion that we can get better at relationships is mainstream. This huge shift encourages people to build better and healthier relationships, and is slowly proving to us all that our social and emotional skills are the biggest predictor of our happiness (and often, of our safety).
As with anything that becomes popular psychology, though, there’s a significant downside: the focus on seemingly magical scripts. Social media is littered with creators offering “one simple script” for every imaginable relationship problem, from household labor inequity to meltdowns in children.
Some relationships aren’t fixable, and very few heal in response to a single magical script. What people often miss in these discussions is that these scripts are unlikely to change the other person’s behavior. Indeed, boundaries aren’t for other people at all. They are for you.
When we rely on scripts for boundaries, it can all become quickly overwhelming. Instead, I think it’s helpful to reframe boundaries: They are rules for a continued relationship with you. You don’t have to prove them or explain them to anyone. You can decide not to have a relationship with someone at any point.
You don’t owe anyone a relationship, an explanation, or an articulable boundary. If you keep this in mind, it may be much easier to define and defend the rules you make for the treatment you will accept from others.
Numerous factors influence our lives—capitalism, patriarchy, racism, early socialization. Our opportunities are not limitless, and not a single one of us is a rugged individual building something from nothing. We all come from something, someone, and somewhere.
Still, we can be architects of our own lives and relationships—even when what we build is limited by access to the right materials, connections, and locations.
You get to decide which relationships you want to have (notably with lots of exceptions if you choose to have children with someone). In a world that so often feels out of our control, there’s peace in knowing that you don’t owe anyone a relationship.
Rather than a bunch of complicated scripts and a long list of specific boundaries, I propose that you establish a list of general boundaries that will apply to all of your relationships: not calling you names, sexually coercing you, or insulting your children, for example.
Here’s my formula for setting good boundaries:
Tell the other person, in clear and specific language, about the boundary. You don’t have to do this. You don’t owe people explanations. At the same time, though, if you hope to have an ongoing relationship with the other person, clear and direct communication can support that relationship. It’s also helpful to tie people’s behaviors to your behavior. Most of us did not learn great communication, and as a result, we may not actually be clearly communicating the things we think we are. If your mom knows she will lose access to her grandkids if she continues a specific behavior, she’s far more likely to keep that behavior under control. Keep your language clear and simple, and avoid stilted scripts that don’t sound like something you would say. If this is someone who is important to you, cushion the boundary. You might try something like this: “Mom, I love you and it’s so important to me that my kids get time with you. But I can’t expose them to constant insults about their bodies. If you continue to tell them they need to diet or lose weight, then I won’t be able to let you hang out with them one-on-one anymore.”
Prepare for pushback. This is where a lot of recovering people pleasers get into trouble. They treat the boundary like a threat or a negotiation session. Or they don’t state their boundary clearly and simply enough. The other person may try to gaslight you and talk you out of things. They may call you names. The extent to which they try to talk you out of your boundary is often a direct reflection of how dysfunctional the relationship is (and also how likely they are to violate the boundary). Hold the line: “Mom, I hear that you think this is unreasonable, but I am not going to change my mind. I also hear that you have a lot of other issues with me. Those issues won’t change my opinion on this issue, but I am happy to talk with you about them.”
Hold the boundary. You must only set boundaries you are prepared to enforce. If you can’t or won’t go no-contact with your parents, then threatening to do so is manipulation, not a boundary. When the other person violates your boundary, it’s helpful to remind them of the boundary to avoid the “I have no idea what happened!” onslaught. You have no obligation to do this, of course, but clear communication can help boundary-setting feel easier. Try this: “Mom, I told you not to mention my kids’ weight. You did it anyway. We’re going to pause one-on-one visits.”
Decide what happens next. Do you want to give the other person a chance? Is there something specific you want them to do? Be explicit about this if so: “Mom, I need you to apologize to my kids for your weight talk and commit to not doing it again, without defensiveness or blame.” If you plan to permanently end the relationship or to take a break for some undetermined period of time, it can feel kind to be explicit about this: “I don’t know when or if we can resume visits. For now I need a break.”
Your clear communication each step of the way makes it easier to remember and enforce your boundaries. It also ties people’s behavior directly to the boundaries you impose, steadily teaching people how to treat you.
You are allowed to do this. You are not bad for doing this. In fact, this is the only way you can have fully healthy, mutually supportive relationships.
As with anything, the way to get good at this is by practice. Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good. Keep trying.
I fully agree that the one liners for boundary setting are often not helpful and feel stilted. When working with people who need support setting healthy boundaries, I often start with their values. What is it that they value and cherish? Autonomy? Privacy? Honesty? Once you are clear on your values, it becomes easier to set and enforce boundaries. I value my self respect and my right to time for myself, so I am learning to say no when someone asks me for something that infringes on that time. I sometime like to work backwards too. So, is someone's behavior is really irritating me then I will ask myself, what value of mine are they trampling right now? From there I can set a boundary. Boundaries are not rules. Rules control other people's behavior. Boundaries are what you will and won't tolerate from other people, and what you will do if they continue to run roughshod over them.I also suggest that people say "I will get back to you" instead of "no" if it initially causes too much anxiety to say no. Then you can say "no" after thinking about it. Love your definition of people pleasing. Especially the part about how it reinforces dysfunctional power structures.