Fear: The missing piece in men's understanding of sexism and of women

Women are rightfully terrified of men. And men--even "feminist" men--seem not to know. Or not to care.

Every time a man emails me, I get an adrenaline dump. Is this one going to insult me, antagonize me, threaten me? Will this email culminate in this man showing up at my door, doxxing me, posting threats online? Is he going to kill me? My family? I panic every time a man posts on my Facebook page, worried that he may be harassing or doxxing my followers, and that he may be currently searching for my address.

I feel similarly when strange men approach me in public to compliment me, tell me to smile, ask me out, or criticize my parenting. I begin looking for the nearest exit, the nearest potential weapon, the fastest way to save my own life.

Having a public feminist presence exposes me to more abuse from a wider group of men than many other women face, but my fear is far from isolated—and it’s definitely not out of proportion to the threat.

Men: We are scared of you. What will it take for you to understand this fear, to accept and honor it, and to fix your fucking selves?

Every year, men kill thousands of women for crimes such as denying them sex, ignoring their emails, trying to get away from them, or posting about feminism online.

Every year, men rape millions of women, and attempt to rape millions more.

They threaten us at work. They follow us home. They post our private images online. They hit us, sexually abuse us, use our children as weapons and punching bags.

Every woman I know has a story of a near-miss with a man: the dude who almost raped her, who almost kidnapped her, who tried to kill her. And most have a story of violence from a man they know: the father who beat her, the boyfriend who hit her, the date who raped her. Almost every married woman I know has a plan to get out, because she’s miserable and afraid.

If you’re not regularly hearing these stories from the women in your life, it’s either because you’re not listening or because they don’t trust you enough to share.

This is the fundamental insight most men seem to lack. For us, discussions of sexism aren’t fun and theoretical. An email from a strange man isn’t a chance to make a friends or engage in debate. Men, to us, are life-threatening. Yet they keep emailing me for fun, and seem to expect me to be grateful. Just as they think women should be grateful for any and all contact with them, no matter how unwanted.

I’ve settled into a familiar pattern with many of the men who email me:

They contact me to try to convince me of their feminism. Eventually, they say something problematic. I tell them they’re scaring me, and ask them to stop contacting me.

What do you think they do?

They get angry at me for saying I’m scared, and then they continue to contact me—sometimes to threaten me (apparently not realizing that they’re validating my fear), but often to argue with me about why I shouldn’t be scared of them. As if anyone who would ignore the boundaries of a woman they don’t even know has a right to tell her how to feel. As if any man who persists in contacting a woman who does not want him to do so has any reasonable claim to being safe for women, to being a feminist.

It’s weird how men, in their feeble attempts to prove me wrong, so often prove me right. They talk over me, interrupt me, refuse to listen, all while arguing that men are not in fact rude to women. They refuse to accept any evidence or lived experience, while insisting to me that I’m wrong that men don’t listen and can’t be reasoned with. They counter my assertions that men are often dangerous by ignoring my boundaries, calling me names, and occasionally threatening me. They lecture me about how good marriage is for women by insulting me and telling me how mean women are for not wanting to date men.

The men who identify as feminists, who want to be better allies, who want to learn, need to understand that step one is understanding women’s terror, and doing everything you possibly can to build a safer world. Especially in your own home. Especially in your relationships with women.

We are scared of you. We have good reason to be scared of you. And most of you seem not to care.

No, it’s not all men. Just like it’s not all snakes.

But I’ve learned a healthy fear of men just as every reasonable person learns a healthy fear of unfamiliar snakes.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve decided you’re a nice guy. That’s not an identity you get to claim. It’s a label based on your behavior. If the women around you don’t think you’re nice, then you’re not.

It doesn’t matter if you know you’re not a threat. Because if you continue contacting me when I don’t want you to, or otherwise behave in ways I perceive as threatening, you are making me feel afraid even if you never physically harm me.

Every time you yell at your partner, you think you’re expressing your emotions or maybe even showing vulnerability. She’s wondering if you’re going to hit her next, because she knows that anger is often the precursor to violence in men.

On every date you have ever been on, the woman has likely had an escape plan in case you try to rape, kidnap, or kill her.

When you talk to your partner about being a stay-at-home mother, it’s very likely she’s assessing whether she’ll be able to escape if you become abusive.

Every time you message a woman you don’t know, she has to wonder if your message will contain a death threat.

Every time you ask a woman out, she has to assess whether you seem like a potential abuser or murderer.

When a woman says no to sex, she has to wonder if you’ll take it anyway—or if you’ll weaponize her fear of your anger and bad moods to coerce her into it.

Every woman you interact with has to assess whether you seem safe, and continually redo that assessment as new information appears.

Every woman who chooses to interact with you has decided you are worth the gamble. This is precious gift that men often squander.

Why can’t men take this seriously?

How can they look around them, at this objectively terrifying world, and then conclude that women are the ones over-reacting? How can they prattle on about “protecting women” while insisting women have nothing to be afraid of?

Women perceive you as a threat. Yes, even you. Let this guide your behavior, and you’ll be a much safer man for them to be around. Or, try to convince them that you’re not a threat by arguing with them, and prove them right.