What do we do about misogynists who think they're feminists? Feminist Advice Friday
Lots of men claim to be feminists. But few actually live feminist values.
This is an update of one of the oldest Feminist Advice Friday questions. I hope you enjoy it!
A reader asks…
My soon to be ex-husband is certain that he is a feminist, because he fills all those progressive check boxes. And yet. And yet.... The invisible labor and mental load were impossible for him to recognize. His paternity leave was less than helpful to me following my daughter's c-sections. He felt entitled to sex and was angry when he didn't get it. He was moody and passive aggressive, and of course there was copious gas lighting. So all of that said, I would love to hear your thoughts on misogynists who think they are feminists. I only found your Facebook page about a week ago, and I love it so much!
My answer:
Your ex doesn’t actually think he’s a feminist. He just wants you to think that, so that you—and other women—will continue giving him the benefit of the doubt. It’s about appearing to be a good person versus actually behaving like a good person.
I live in a really progressive area in a fairly regressive region. Everyone white person here talks about how they’re an ally to Black people. And yet, things are just as bad for Black people here as they are anywhere else. I’ve repeatedly watched self-described “allies” in my neighborhood call the police on Black children for little more than existing.
I don’t know if these people lack the insight to identify how problematic their behavior is. Or if they don’t actually care about racial justice at all, and have merely donned the ally label to fit in. But I don’t really care which it is, because the effect of their actions is the same.
That goes for sexism, too.
These people—the fake allies, the fake feminists, the “I love what you have to say, but don’t you think you’re a little too angry?” folks—are absolutely exhausting. And they all seem to email me. I’m constantly dealing with men who think they can prove to me that they’re not sexist by denigrating their wives, attacking me, and seeking absolution for sexist behavior by concealing it in word salad.
We often dismiss their behavior as bumbling but well-intended. The truth is that I question whether the intentions are good with these misogynist feminists.
After all, nice doesn’t mean anything if it does not signal specific behaviors. Nice has to be more than an identity a man clings to as a defense against sexism.
It is really easy to slap on an ally label and demand praise. And when you’re a dude living in a sexist society, pretty much all you have to do is don the label. Women are just so grateful that you’re not vocally attacking them. So what happens is these guys get a ton of praise for little more than choosing the right label.
When the people who see their actual behavior criticize them, they lean hard into that praise.
“No, I can’t possibly be a misogynist! Look at all these women who like me!”
The identity becomes more important than actually listening to women. Because it was never actually about listening to women. It was about getting praise.
The appearance of being a good person is, to these people, more important than actually being a good person. That makes them particularly dangerous. Because not only will they not stand up for women; not only will they not call out misogyny; not only will they mistreat the women they know when no one is looking; they will use their feminist “credentials” to actively undermine women.
That sounds like this:
“I’m a feminist. I believe women. But even I think she’s overreacting.”
“Honey, you know I’m a feminist. If things were really unequal don’t you think I’d be doing something about it?”
“Look, I’m a feminist, but she’s just not credible.”
“All of these women think I’m a great guy. I couldn’t possibly have abused her!”
“Why is it that she’s the only woman in the world who thinks I’m a sexist?”
Your husband doesn’t check all the boxes, because he’s treating you as a servant. Remember that. Because even though you recognize that he’s a problem, your language in speaking about him suggests that you may not fully appreciate the problem. We spend an inordinate amount of time trying to convince women their time and labor doesn’t matter, that everything they want is secondary to being a tool and an accommodation for a bumbling man.
That’s dehumanizing, and it’s abusive, no matter how hard our patriarchal culture tries to dismiss it as a minor inconvenience. Remember that the primary purpose of patriarchy isn’t to hurt women; it’s to benefit men. Household labor inequity and other relationship inequities hugely benefit men. But it’s socially unacceptable to tell your wife she’s inferior or whatever, so a lot of men couch their exploitation in other terms. I cover those in detail in this series.
You do not check any progressive box if you treat the marginalized people in your life with disrespect.
So how can we spot these men before they worm their way into our lives, our beds, our homes? Here are some telltale signs:
They have a cadre of admiring female acquaintances, and being perceived as a good guy by these women is very important to them.
The women closest to him—his wife, his exes, his sister, his mother—appear to have problems with him, while other women adore him.
He spends a lot of time seeking adulation, but very little actually doing anything for women.
He uses feminism to undermine women. The “I’m a feminist, but…” trope.
Things are not equal in his household.
He’s not willing to own any of his own bullshit, admit to any of his own misogyny, or identify the ways in which he replicates toxic masculinity.
Ultimately, we need to call these guys what they are: misogynists. Not a special kind of misogynist. Just the run of the mill dangerous dude we all need to avoid. Anyone can claim a label. Living up to it is another story. So we do the same thing with these guys that we do with all other misogynists: we avoid them like the abusive plague they are.
And if you’re a man reading this, here are some signs that you’re not actually a feminist:
Your partner has frequently complained about the division of domestic labor in your home.
You think women overreact to sexism.
You often get defensive with your partner.
You don’t see much sexism in your daily life (because if that’s the case, you’re not looking).
You get angry with your partner for not having sex with you.
You worry about men being falsely accused.
You think you have been falsely accused of sexism.
You read my Substack and get mad at me or the women I support, rather than mad at other men.
You have a history of defending men against charges of sexism.
This is an incomplete list, and not checking any of these boxes by no means suggests you are a feminist. It’s just that many fake feminist men engage in the above behaviors.
Ultimately, you know who gets to decide who’s a feminist and who is not? Women. And some women will always carry water for patriarchy, while others may not be victimized by a particular man’s sexism. This means that if any particular woman accuses you of sexism, guess what? You very likely are indeed being sexist.
Because, of course, in a patriarchy all men are taught to be sexist, and all men are sometimes sexist. Men who are defensive are the most sexist of all. So if you haven’t taken significant feedback from women and engaged in significant personal and ongoing change, I can guarantee you one thing: you’re likely among the worst, not the best.
YES!!! 👏👏👏
It’s frustrating when you’ve seen the real man behind the curtain & exactly how sexist he truly is, but to his friends, colleagues, or family they still believe the fake facade that he projects as being a progressive feminist man. If/when you call men like this out on their misogyny they react with intense aggressive rage which ultimately proves exactly how misogynistic they are.
100% yes! I used to say to my (now ex) husband, "the fact that I do most of the housework is sexist." He would say, "I'm not sexist! I believe womem should work!" Oh Zawn, how I wish I had your writings to help give me words in those days. Instead, my brain would just explode. He was such a nice guy, in his mind; all of his frat brothers said so.