Does neurodivergence mean I can't expect my husband to do his fair share? Feminist Advice Friday
Readers report that their partners think neurodivergence is a pass not to do household labor.
I occasionally repost and update old #feministadvicefriday questions since, just like everyone else, I’m gaining knowledge and experience. This question remains one of my most-asked, and I consistently see neurodivergence cited as an excuse for labor inequality. I hope you enjoy the updated version!
A reader asks…
Over the past month or so, I’ve gotten more than a dozen questions from readers posing basically the same problem: A male spouse or partner doesn’t do their fair share, but that partner is also neurodivergent. These women want to know if neurodivergence should shift the balance of household labor.
Here’s a sample letter:
My ex, father of two kids now aged 4 and 2, never stepped up, never. I left about 6 months ago and have the kids. His lack of assistance began with our first, but now it turns out he had at the same time PTSD from work. I’m done and will never go back, but can’t help but feel guilty. Are my needs and wants lesser because of his condition? Have I been selfish to leave?
Here’s another one:
Every time I ask my husband to do anything, he tells me his ADHD means it’s too hard for him to help around the house. Evidently my ADHD doesn’t count. I feel like he is weaponizing disability language, and I don’t know how to get around it. Maybe he really can’t do things. I don’t know. What should I do?
My Answer
As I was writing this post, I got an email from a reader. She’s disabled, and can’t participate in a lot of household labor. As a result, her partner endlessly criticizes her. She wanted to know if this criticism is warranted.
Doesn’t this just sum it up so well? When women are physically incapable of participating in household labor, they still think maybe they deserve to be abused for it. And when their partners are capable of at least some household labor, women wonder if maybe their partners shouldn’t have to do it. No matter where you fall on this spectrum, if you’re a woman you’re fucked. This isn’t really about neurodivergence or disability; it’s about men doing anything they can to exploit women.
Privileged groups always co-opt the language of social justice as a way to seize and hold onto power. That’s why white people claim that giving a few admission slots to non-white candidates is reverse racism. It’s why men claim that hitting women is a feminist act if the woman so much as lightly taps them. It’s why so many trolls chide me for not being “tolerant” or “open-minded” (neither of which, it’s worth noting, I value or care to be).
They do this because it works. And privileged individuals will do anything to hang onto power—after all, they—we—actively create and maintain oppressive hierarchies. They don’t happen by accident.
Neurotypical men who claim to be neurodivergent are doing exactly that. But you know what? Often, so are neurodivergent men. Because they’re pitting the alleged needs (not doing any household labor) of one marginalized group (neurodivergent men) against the needs of another marginalized group (women, including both neurodivergent and neurotypical women), and asserting, without argument, evidence, or negotiation, that the needs of the former should trump the needs of the latter.
Talking about neurodivergence is tricky, especially when treating it as some kind of monolith. That’s because people with actual neurodivergence are very accustomed to having their condition treated like a personal failing or medical problem. I wrote about this last year, outlining how this oppressive bias has affected my own daughter. In general, the more symptoms a person has, the more they are treated as an inconvenience and the less likely they are to get appropriate accommodations. Men who appear neurotypical, but who have subtle forms of neurodivergence, therefore tend to get a lot of privilege and a lot of the benefit of the doubt. Especially from their partners—including neurodivergent partners.
So before we go any further: Neurodivergence is real. A person cannot think or will themselves out of executive dysfunction, trauma, etc. And really, a person shouldn’t need a diagnosis to get need-based accommodations. We should all be working together to identify needs, strengths, and weaknesses, and assemble relationships and agreements accordingly.
But neurodivergent people do not get a pass on household equity.
One of the reasons I talk so much about equity rather than equality is that almost no relationship can ever be equal. Partners are interested in and good at different things. Energy levels vary. Obligations shift.
We’ve got all kinds of neurodivergence in my house, as well as shifting work needs, unique school needs, unconventional schedules, and a whole lot more. So we’ve mastered the art of equity over time rather than equality moment to moment.
Some basic tips:
People should get basic accommodations for their needs. But then they need to pick up slack elsewhere. Because otherwise they’re just opting out of something at the expense of their partner. My husband, for example, is terrible at organizing toys. He’ll do it, of course, but it will take him three times as long as it should. I, meanwhile, hate cooking and don’t know how to do it. So he cooks and I take over organizing projects.
There will be times when one partner needs more and does less than the other. It’s a partnership if the favor is later reciprocated. But too often, men do all the taking and women do all the giving. Witness the women who still cook for and clean up after their partners immediately after giving birth.
Human beings exist in community, and the idea that we are all completely and individually responsible for our emotions and needs is ridiculous. We can and should lean on others. The people who love us should occasionally do more than their fair share, help us get support, and advocate for us. But that support has to go in two directions. And ultimately, the person whose needs are more demanding must, if they care about their partner, take responsibility for mitigating the effects of their ND on their partner. This includes looking into treatment.
Neurodivergence does not mean one partner gets to sit around and do nothing or indulge hobbies while the other partner does household labor (unless the roles often switch and there is balance over time).
None of these are the case for most of the women who write me. In many cases, the man’s neurodivergence is evident nowhere but home, but the woman has an actual diagnosis that never undermines her ability to do significantly more than her fair share.
In my own survey of the issue, I found that neurodivergent women do more household labor and parenting, while neurodivergent men do less. Often, neurodivergence in women is an excuse to undermine them (“Am I really exploiting you, or is that just your PTSD talking?”) and in men it’s an excuse to do almost nothing (“Sorry, can’t feed the kids or the dog or myself, or do anything at all, because I have ADHD. See you later after 12 hours of golf!”).
A lot of men have weaponized the disability rights movement, and act as if they can push a button, cry “neurodivergence,” and get out of whatever they don’t want to do.
This has happened with other movements, too. Men have weaponized feminist rhetoric to claim that equality demands they be able to hit women who hit them, for example. So when men claim a right that seems untenable—the right to not participate fairly in household labor—we must push back, even when they’re using social justice language.
So, to the writer of this question:
No, you were not selfish to leave.
Leaving is never selfish.
No one is entitled to a relationship. You are allowed to leave your relationship at any time, for any reason, especially if the relationship is harming you.
To readers involved in relationships in which neurodivergence is a factor, the goal needs to be working out a system that works for everyone. Because women do not exist to serve men. Even neurodivergent men.
I suggest starting by asking yourself the following questions:
Does my partner demand accommodations from me that he is unwilling to offer to me in return?
Do care and support in my relationship flow only in one direction?
Am I always the caretaker, never the care recipient?
Does my partner dismiss my mental health, or use it as an excuse to ignore and undermine me?
Has my partner avoided taking any action that would improve his ability to function and make it easier for him to support me?
Do I consistently do more work around the house and with our children than my partner, regardless of my own needs?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, this points not to neurodivergence being the problem in your relationship, but sexism and entitlement.
The hidden belief in the idea that “but I’m neurodivergent!” should get a man out of household labor is this: Every neurodivergent man is entitled to a permanent accommodation in the form of a woman who sacrifices her life, well-being, free time, dreams, and hopes so he doesn’t have to manage his own life.
You do not owe someone else your life. Ever.
It’s gaslighting and mom-shaming for men to claim that they don’t have to participate in family life because they’re neurodivergent. Your life matters, too. You do not have to give it up for someone who won’t give up anything for you.
Another fantastic article. Thank you so much, Zawn!! What’s-his-name also cried “neurodivergence!” And it was a way of explaining his non-help for 18 years. I am diagnosed with Complex-PTSD (now sometimes called Compound-PTSD) and also ADHD and also extensive vision issues that alone exhaust me. I literally don’t see the world the way “everyone else does.” Anyway, he used terms against me all the time. Sat on his lazy ass all day every day. I am so glad to be rid of him. I look forward to the day when both of my (now-grown) sons never have to contact him again after they both move out.
Even growing up, neurodivergent boys are coddled and neurodivergent girls are just expected to carry on.
My brother has been a holy terror basically since the day he was born. No boundaries, hit and bit other children, punched his teachers, escalated to physical and sexual abuse of me. My mother brought both of us to doctors about our concerning symptoms, and I believe I was correctly diagnosed with ADD (basically the best conceptualization they had of "trauma-induced executive dysfunction" almost 30 years ago) which my mother did absolutely nothing about. I was lucky to get an accurate diagnosis, but it still meant nothing.
My brother got private schools, homeschooling, special school district, extra time on tests, no homework, everything. He even got to go through a program where he earned a GED and his high school converted that into a high school diploma. I eventually dropped out of high school despite extremely high ACT scores because I was too depressed to get up in the morning and go. I had to quietly get a GED, no fanfare, extras or help.
I was expected to do long carpools to pick him up when I am the younger sibling, be pulled out of school because my mom couldn't handle both public and homeschooling, and got a shoulder shrug when I finally needed real academic support in my late teens but the money ran out.
Then they grow up to whine about how everything is so hard for them and their wives have to keep up the same energy their mothers brought.