Feminist Advice Friday: My husband weaponizes feminism against me
A reader's husband tells her she misunderstands misogyny, and that other women in his life don't have a problem with his behavior.
A reader asks…
Sometimes I find myself in a conversation with my husband where I feel confident sticking up for myself or calling out a behavior, but it’s almost like he uses feminism as a concept against me to derail what I am saying. Some examples of the things he says are:
“You need to stop listening to Clementine Ford and learn to think for yourself.”
“This is not misogyny or sexism, this is an issue between two human beings, and you need to stop using buzzwords to make it something it isn’t.”
“My ex was a much bigger feminist than you are, and she never had an issue with me.”
It’s hard because these kind of statements throw me off so much and I don’t know how to respond. And I feel like he genuinely believes the things that he is saying, so I don’t see how to get my side of things through to him at all.
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
My Answer
I don’t think your husband is fixable, and I think no matter how long you spend trying to convince him of your views, you are wasting your breath. The problem here is not that he doesn’t understand or whatever. It’s that he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his behavior. And rather than say, “I actually think I should get to be sexist,” he’s decided to take a softer approach.
The person who gets to decide whether a behavior is problematic is the person it affects. Women, not men, decide what sexism is.
Your husband is mansplaining feminism to you, and telling you that you misunderstand your own oppression. And he’s doing so in service of convincing you that his bad behavior is actually fine, maybe even feminist. What a fucking asshole.
Next time he tells you to stop parroting Clementine Ford and think for yourself, tell him to stop parroting patriarchy and think for his own damn self.
Next time he tells you his ex didn’t have a problem with him, tell him to go spend time with her instead.
Next time he tells you that he, not you, gets to decide what is or is not sexism, remind him that this is what every oppressor throughout human history has done.
Hell, send this motherfucker to my page and let us tear him up and spit him out. He clearly needs a wake-up call.
But this isn’t really an argument about feminism or philosophy. This goes much deeper. Because he’s giving you a lot of really abusive coded messages:
You’re not as much of a feminist as other women, and you therefore do not get to decide what does and does not feel like oppression to you.
The oppressor (a man) gets to decide what does and does not count as oppression.
You’re too dumb to determine what is and is not sexism.
You should be judged according to the criteria his ex-girlfriend decides (and, by the way, she’s better than you).
You don’t think for yourself, because if you did, you couldn’t possibly come up with a feminist critique of your own.
You are not allowed to criticize his sexist behavior, and the very idea that he could possibly be sexist is laughable, warranting immediate dismissal.
Your husband either wants to be a good partner to you, or he doesn’t. If he wants to be a good partner, then he will listen to your needs and adapt accordingly. But he doesn’t. And rather than just saying this, he’s trying to make it your fault. You’re too stupid. You’re too unreasonable. You’re both too much and not enough of a feminist for him to consider your requests.
I bet you anything he does this shit in other areas of your life. In fact, I know he does. Because you wouldn’t be raising sexism with him as an issue if he didn’t consistently behave like a sexist.
He does not want to change. And he’s therefore not going to.
I urge you to begin making a plan to get out—and if you can’t, to begin quiet quitting your marriage until you can leave.
You deserve someone who shares your values and takes your needs seriously, because everyone does.
Amen. When my ex realized I was serious about leaving, he told me to think for myself, not swallow what my friends were telling me. I told him I *was* thinking for myself, and that’s why I was rejecting his attempts to impose his perspective on me.
My ex "never had an issue with me.” So...why's she your ex, bud? 🤣🤣🤣
Also, I'm The Best Feminist according to someone you don't know and don't get to talk to.