"I do just as much labor as you!": How sexist men excuse household labor imbalances
They're arguing in bad faith to buy time.
There’s a predictable cycle to discussions of domestic labor inequality. First, men pretend to listen and care and promise to change. When change never actually materializes, they weaponize anger to discourage women from discussing the issue. When women manage to push through the anger, or make clear that the anger will be met with consequences like the end of the relationship, men dig deeply into the patriarchal playbook to find an excuse that will buy them time.
Some quickly come up with the idea that, actually, they’re doing just as much labor as the woman—maybe even more! This might sound like:
“Yeah well someone has to change the oil and mow the grass, and I don’t see you stepping up to do that!”
“Men do mental labor, too, but no one notices or cares that I maintain our computers and replace batteries in the fire alarm.”
“I do just as much labor as you do! I mow the grass, tend the fireplace, get rid of bugs in the house, and replace the oil filter on the car.”
“I actually think I do a lot more than you. I never see you out fixing the car.”
“I work long, hard days and I deserve to relax. You sit at home all day.”
This excuse often sends women into a tizzy. First they wonder if maybe their husband is right. Then, they move past the gaslighting to rage, which the man can then weaponize by telling her she’s irrational. The argument rarely gets back to the crux of the matter, which is household labor inequity—and that’s exactly the point. So what’s going on here? And how can women push past this bullshit?
This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:
The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”
The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean
The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”