If he wanted to, he would: The real reason household inequity persists
He's not a bumbling nice guy. The problem isn't your communication. And no program is going to fix him. Inequality exists because he likes it that way.
Household labor inequality exists for one reason, and one reason only: It benefits men. We live in a patriarchal society where men’s desires and preferences trump women’s needs (and often their lives).
This is not something that springs up out of nowhere. It’s not random and genderless, no matter how much gender-neutral language people use to describe it. Household labor inequity disproportionately disadvantages women to benefit men. Benefiting men at women’s expense is the very reason patriarchy exists.
That won’t stop people from trying to profit off of the abuse, though. If you’re struggling with household exploitation, you’ll quickly find a whole world of advice. You can read Fair Play and then purchase the Fair Play card deck. You can hire a coach. You can partner with a Fair Play facilitator. Sit together and watch one of dozens of documentaries. Go to couples therapy. Make a list. Communicate better. Do a chore audit.
It’s advice we’ve all heard a million times before. If it’s so effective, why do all the data on labor inequity show that nothing is improving, and that mothers are more overwhelmed than ever?
These systems demand more work of women. It’s like trying to stop rape by only telling women what they need to do to be less rapeable, rather than re-educating men and getting clear about what causes rape.
Household labor inequity is a problem with men, and until men have a strong incentive to fix it—like being labeled unfuckable losers whom women absolutely will not have relationships with—it will persist.
Here’s why.
Household labor inequity is not an accident
In Fair Play, Eve Rodsky repeatedly refers to men who don’t do their fair share as “good guys,” then says they just don’t know any better. This is the central, and fundamentally flawed, assumption of every system that purports to end household labor imbalance.
The human male is typically born with eyes. He can see that his partner is working when he is not.
Most also have functioning memories, enabling them to remember things that happened in the past—holidays, birthdays, parent-teacher conferences—to which they contributed nothing, but which still went off without a hitch.
The typical male is also born with ears, enabling him to hear his wife pleading with him to do more, learn more, participate more. He can also hear his wife express her exhaustion and needs.
Men are not stupid. They know someone is buying and cooking the food, dressing their children, cleaning the house. It’s just really convenient to frame them as incompetent buffoons, and to insist that the inability to realize the obvious is some sort of special allele unique to the y chromosome. Because if we don’t frame things that way, the reality comes into stark relief:
Men are choosing this, and are mostly aware of the effects of their actions. That makes them decidedly not “good guys.”
No one wants to believe that the person she chose to commit her life to is buying his free time with her suffering, exhaustion, depression, and more. But this is the reality. Changing the balance of labor requires a willing partner. The fact is that men are willing to have equal households are already working toward that goal—or have achieved it.
Our entire culture gaslights women, making it easy for men to escape blame
Sometimes I think men all receive a book of patriarchal excuses when they begin dating. I’ve published a whole series on this pile of bullshit. Some of the many excuses you’ll hear include:
“You’re never satisfied with anything,” when he’s tried nothing, done nothing, offered nothing and is just shocked that that’s not enough.
“That’s all in the past. It’s time for you to forgive me,” as if forgiveness for bad behavior is every man’s birth right.
“You just expect everything to be done your way,” because of course imposing any kind of standard on any man is literal oppression.
“We just have different styles,” where your style is the one that involves research, hard work, and emotional control, and his is the one that involves filling the kids with sugar, parking them in front of the TV, and then dumping them with mom.
“I’m neurodivergent. I can’t do it.” But of course the woman’s postpartum depression was never a reason for her to get out of anything—and often a tool her husband used to discount her emotions and needs.
It’s not just men making these excuses, either.
Therapists tell women that they can’t really expect to get their needs met until they let their husband have bad sex with them, or insist that a man’s rage about having to do 20% of the household labor is every bit as important as a woman’s rage over having to do 95% for the last 10 years.
Books and movies turn labor inequity into a joke. Because women losing their entire lives to chores is so fucking hilarious. Hahahahahaha.
Friends and family tell women that “at least he’s trying” or “at least he doesn’t hit you.” Or they insist that he’s “actually a really great dad,” even though he spends exactly one hour a week actively parenting, and a significant portion of the rest of the week undermining mom.
Inequity benefits men
If household labor inequity were a random oops—the product of poor communication, perhaps—then it would equally disadvantage men and women. That’s not the case. It is almost exclusively women doing the majority of household labor in heterosexual relationships, with very few exceptions.
This is not an accident. This is the result of patriarchy.
Household inequity makes life better and easier for men. It allows them to earn more at work, to have more leisure time, to pursue their hopes and dreams more freely and fully, and to enjoy having children without all the work and stress. Marriage improves their health, prolongs their lives, and offer ready access to a wide range of resources men have to procure for themselves when uncoupled.
If you’re a married woman, imagine how much easier your life would be if someone else did all the hard work with your kids. If you could just show up at Christmas to a pile of presents. If you came home to a clean house (or got to read while someone else cleaned it). Hard to imagine, isn’t it?
Men don’t easily give up privilege. Why would they, when society socializes them for their entire lives to believe they are entitled to these resources?
Inequity is not neutral. Interventions to stop it are asking men to give up something significant—and men will manufacture just about any excuse to avoid doing so.
As someone in an equal marriage, I can tell you these marriages are so much better. Both my husband and I are infinitely happier than most couples we know. But that’s due in large part to the fact that my husband loves me, and sees me as a fully equal human being whose life and needs matter. If he didn’t truly value me, he would have no incentive to split the labor with me.
Most men don’t value their wives enough as human beings to care about how labor inequality affects them. Women are tools, and if a tool malfunctions by demanding you do its work for it, you might as well replace it.
Enforcing boundaries is nearly impossible
In a patriarchal society, “I need you to give up hours and hours of time for my well-being” is not an enticing offer to most men. So the only thing women really have left is to impose consequences on these overgrown manchildren.
What do those consequences look like?
Well, a woman could go on strike. But the filth in her house will likely be a problem for her before her husband. She might refuse to perform certain household duties, but her kids will suffer. The work women do is vital, and suddenly stopping until he relents is just not a realistic option—particularly if he’s someone who’s not invested in the well-being of everyone else in the house (and frankly, that’s most men).
Ultimately, the only thing a woman really has to threaten is leaving. Don’t worry, though, society will gaslight her and tell her she’s breaking up her family over a few dishes.
Leaving ranges from difficult to deadly
Spend a few minutes googling the collapse of the family court system and you’ll quickly learn about the bias against women. Even men with well-documented histories of violent abuse often get some custody—and occasionally, even sole custody.
Leaving is also the most dangerous time if you’re in an abusive relationship.
So leaving is not a viable option for many women—though I want to add that it may be more possible than you realize, and if you are thinking about leaving, I encourage you to read this and reach out to your local DV shelter.
Ultimately, ending household labor inequity requires a willing partner. And if he wanted fairness in your home, you’d probably already have it. A deck of cards, two years of therapy, and better communication aren’t going to solve that. But they will buy him more time—and more free labor.
You might also like…
Feminist relationships are better for men, too.
I keep noticing the same two themes in discussions of feminism.
Why the threat of violence lurks in every unequal relationship
For years, we’ve been gaslighting women about household inequality—and frankly, about every other relationship problem, whether it’s mismatched libidos, emotional neglect, bad parenting, or refusing to acknowledge Mother’s Day.
The problem with Fair Play, and other systems for gaining household equality
A year ago, I wrote about Fair Play, the supposedly groundbreaking book on household labor inequity, and how to achieve balance. In the intervening time, I’ve talked to hundreds of women about their experiences with the book, and I have yet to find anyone who has achieved full equity with it. I’ve even had a few journalists writing about the book contact me to see if I can connect them to someone who has seen radical improvements with the book.
Yes! My husband thought he was the best husband (his words! That he admitted to in couples counseling) because he did a lot of the grocery shopping, most of the cooking, dishes, and some cleaning. He picked up our son from after school care. And because he was home all the time and he wasn’t out drinking or hanging out with his friends. Basically meeting some parenting and household expectations meant he was the best husband in his mind. Because his piece of shit “friends” were actually abusive to their partners. As Zawn so greatly puts it—the bar is so low it’s in hell. So when any man is above that bar, they appear to be amazing. Ha!
When I asked repeatedly for more emotional, physical and quality time connection for us as a couple, he angrily pointed out all the stuff he does for the house. He never acknowledged all the other work I did. The so-called “invisible” labor. Everything financially, everything school related, doctors, dentists, birthdays, holidays, all the stuff. Staying home and caring for our son for every school holiday, even though I have a high stress full time career. Taking care of our son EVERY WEEKEND (and not getting any time off work or caregiving myself) because his job in hospitality required him to work weekends.
It took me saying I was done with our marriage to get real change. For him to acknowledge my labor and time, and to divide stuff a bit more equitably. Emotionally, it’s too late to save our marriage. But it’s good enough to maintain a solid partnership to raise our son. At least for a couple years.
Over 25 years of marriage taught me this. Frankly —these males don’t give a damn. What philosopher said, no one gives up privilege willingly. That goes with racism, capitalism, ageism, sexism and all the isms on the entire planet. Just see how quickly the tables turn when speaking to white women about their racial privilege microcosm +. I’ve seen this disregard and disrespect as a silent observer and outspoken activist for decades in all instances. I just choose to admit this and stop the constant denial that it’s the next women, she’s just not as good as me, or there are other good men out there you just need to give them a chance. That’s not true. There is a collective problem with men and how they treat WAGs and there is a collective problem with women excusing and constantly taking responsibility for their bad behaviors even though many of these very same women and men would have you believe otherwise.
This has got to get deeper because this isn’t changing even women sound worse than these men when it pertains to her/she/their: women as a sex class exploitation and oppression at the hands of men.