My husband makes constant sexist comments about my body: Feminist Advice Friday
A reader's husband constantly tells her she smells like fish. She doesn't. But he's offended that she doesn't laugh at his "joke."
A reader asks…
Just wondering if you have any content on this particular subject?
If I’m stretching or wearing a dress or anything really my husband seems to think it’s funny to joke about the smell of the ocean/fish.
He will literally walk into the room if I’m stretching and say geee the smell of the ocean in here.
I keep trying to explain that this may have been a funny joke for men back in the 50s, but now it’s highly inappropriate.
But my words don’t seem to be getting through and he just gets offended that I have said something and offended that I don’t find it funny
Saying that I’m the issue and that everyone finds that joke funny
I tried google but I can’t find anything about how sexist jokes are not funny any more.
My answer
This idea that women’s genitals smell like fish serves a very specific cultural purpose.
If you can convince women that they are gross and dirty, they’re more likely to accept poor treatment from men—especially bad sex. In my experience, there’s a strong correlation between being a man who makes these kinds of comments and being a man who is terrible at sex. Women stuck with these sorts of men grow to worry that their fundamental grossness is the reason their husbands won’t go down on them or can’t make them come, when the reality is that their husbands’ sexual inadequacy is the real culprit.
So it’s a weird flex to make a big show out of how disgusting you find your sexual partner’s body. And it tells you a lot about how your partner wants you to feel: denigrated, unattractive, disgusting, perhaps alone.
It’s also profoundly damaging in a culture that tells women their only value is as a body, while also telling them that that body is irreparably gross. You don’t smell like fish, and you don’t deserve to be with someone who brings this sexist bullshit into your home.
One of the most harmful myths allowing patriarchy to continue is the notion that men just need to be educated. They don’t know what they’re doing!
Your husband knows exactly what he is doing. Otherwise why would he continue to make this joke? There’s nothing that will educate him.
He understands that there is a harmful cultural notion that women’s genitals smell like fish. He knows this is hurtful and degrading. That’s why he thinks it’s funny. Because he thinks it’s funny to hurt you.
Let’s break down the contents of the joke:
Women’s genitals are gross and dirty.
You have a woman’s genitals.
Therefore you are gross and dirty.
LOL it’s so funny that you’re so gross and dirty! I’m going to remind you forever!
This is not a normal joke to make. And it’s a strong signal that he’s likely not actually straight. He’s making a joke indicating that he finds female genitals gross and foul-smelling. Being turned off by women isn’t exactly a symptom of heterosexuality, now, is it? Like most other low value men, your husband doesn’t actually like women. And a patriarchal society that treats it as normal to find women disgusting allows him to get away with it.
[Edit: A couple of commenters have shared that they feel it is homophobic to say he is not straight. I listen to and take these comments seriously, and am always open to these kinds of critiques. In this case, I disagree. Here’s why: being a straight cis man means liking women’s bodies. This man has made clear that he does not like women’s bodies. He simply does not cross the threshold for heterosexuality. This is common among misogynist men, and I think we need to talk more openly about the fact that they’re not actually attracted to women. This means neither that they or gay, nor that gay men are misogynists. But if you are not attracted to women’s bodies, if you find them repulsive, you are simply not straight]
He’s not actually offended that you’re not laughing at his joke. He’s offended that you think he should have to care about your feelings and treat you with respect.
It’s embarrassing to tell a joke that isn’t actually funny. Your husband should feel embarrassed. Weirdly, a lot of men insist on continuing to tell “jokes” that no one finds funny. That’s, of course, because they’re not trying to be funny. They’re trying to escape accountability.
Accountability won’t work with this dunce you’re stuck with, though. Because he’ll just make you out to be a humorless prude, and whine about how he’s not getting enough attention for his “joke.”
I think, instead, you should start making your own jokes.
If he’s allowed to tell you that you stink, you get to do that to him. Start slowly. “Oh wow, honey, it sure smells like shit in here” every time he enters the room.
Do it more and more. Escalate until you are doing it literally every time you have any contact with him. Then remind him how funny these jokes are. “What? That’s funny! Why aren’t you laughing! LOL you smell like shit honey! You’re so disgusting and gross! It’s so funny!”
You can up the ante even more by beginning to make jokes about how he’s grossed out by women.
“Oh Sharon, don’t get too close to John. He’s grossed out by women! He loves to make jokes about how much he dislikes vulvas, don’t you, John? Hey John, why don’t you tell everyone that hilarious joke about how gross you think women’s genitals are?”
Really call him on the “it’s just a joke” bullshit.
I also consulted a male friend on this one, who specifically recommends shaming your husband over his income. He argues that misogynist men have the same shame about their income that women do about their bodies. If he is not wealthy, start making jokes about that. Because just as women get messaging about their genitals, men get messaging about their income.
From my friend:
Start commenting on the niceness of certain cars. “Oh but you couldn’t buy that, could you!” LOL it’s just a joke!
Every time he opens his wallet: “It smells like poverty in here!”
While out with friends: “Oh, John doesn’t earn enough money for that!”
This is not abusive because you’re doing the thing to him that he has explicitly told you he thinks is funny.
It is very likely that he will lash out in rage if you do this. In fact, it’s very likely that you won’t even try, because you know he will lash out in rage. Any man who behaves in this way is fundamentally an abuser, at a high risk of becoming violent. The point of this counter-attack is to show you that: 1) he knows the jokes aren’t funny, and aren’t actually jokes at all; 2) this is a tactic of abuse.
The fact that your husband isn’t funny isn’t the real issue here. It’s that your husband is emotionally abusing you by weaponizing misogynist bullshit. You don’t deserve that. I guarantee he is abusive in numerous other ways, and that the abuse will only get worse with time.
If it is safe to leave, you must. This will get worse, and any child raised by this man is going to internalize his misogyny. Start making your plan to get out—whether it’s now, or by quiet quitting for a while, or years down the road.
Ultimately, he knows he is being a sexist prick and that is exactly the point.
I really like your content, but sometimes it makes me want to cry. I’m so sad that women have been treated like this for so long, and continue to be. I am 64, and I even see it in my adult children’s relationships. It’s going to take a long time and a lot of work for this to change, and every woman who points out this bad behavior by men is brave and courageous, and a great role model.
Mirroring off of, Zawn first I’d say proceed with caution because often times men cannot take with dignity what they dish out.
Also, my curiosity has gotten the best of me because this is quite literally insane so I have a question. What good qualities does he have and do you all share children? In my honest opinion that kind of bullshit is divorce worthy. Personally, I would have all kinds of retorts and some might land ME in jail, for real. How dare he? Honestly, this doesn’t read like he likes you, or any woman for that matter. He should never have the opportunity to smell a vagina much-less get close to one.