The weapons men use in fights: "You're so controlling! Stop policing me!" (paid subscriber bonus)

How men turn things around on women by asserting that women are being controlling, unreasonable, or abusive.

Picture the scene: You’ve finally gotten up the courage to discuss a problem with your male partner. You’ve gathered your examples. You’re kind, not accusatory, and totally unemotional. You’re confident that this time you’ve got him. This time he will have to listen. He can’t argue, can’t turn it around on you, can’t deny the obvious.

And what does he come back with instead?

“You’re so controlling! Not everything can be your way!”

This can also sound like:

• “You’re trying to control my body language” when you tell him that he seems angry or aggressive.

• “You’re always policing me” when you identify specific behaviors you want him to change.

• “Stop monitoring everything I do!” when he asks for examples of bad behavior and you give them.

• “You’re the one here with a problem, not me” when you raise an issue (um, yeah; that’s because he’s acting like a fucking problem).

• “Not everything can be done exactly the way you want” when you ask him to not leave food on the counter or poop on the toilet.

• “Your standards are impossible.”

• “I never know where I stand with you” after you’ve just told him where he stands.

This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:

• The weapons sexist men use: “I’m just joking!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: Blaming women for their reactions to bad behavior

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”

• The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean

• The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality

Each tool is different, but the goal is the same: blaming women for the problems their male partners cause. Once you see these weapons for what they are, you’ll be less vulnerable to them—even if you can’t get your male partner to stop using them.

If you’re not already a paid subscriber, for the week of May 21-28 only, I’m running a huge sale that allows you to get an annual membership for just $35, compared to the usual $50. You’ll get weekly pieces like this one, as well as access to a paid support group. If you’re already a paid subscriber, thanks so much! Keep scrolling to keep reading!

So why do men seem to love calling their partners controlling? And what should you do when your partner does this?