The weapons sexist men use in fights: "Well I guess I'm just an abusive asshole then!" (paid subscriber bonus)

When abusive men can't "win," can't defend themselves, & don't want to change, they'll demand that you comfort them by claiming to be terrible & abusive. The ultimate reversal of victim & offender.

The personal is political. It’s more than just a slogan. It’s a fundamental truth of male-female relationships. When you argue with your husband or male partner, you’re not just interacting with him. You’re interacting with all of his patriarchal socialization. This is why men, especially sexist men, tend to use the same arguments to escape accountability, regardless of the circumstances of their individual relationships.

This is part of a series of pieces identifying and deconstructing the weapons men are taught to use in fights. In this series, I talk about why these tools are so effective, and how to counter them. Previous posts have included:

• The weapons sexist men use: “I’m just joking!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: Blaming women for their reactions to bad behavior

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”

• The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean

You’re arguing with your male partner. You’ve remained calm, identified the problem, talked about your feelings. You think you’re really making headway. You think maybe this is the time he’s not going to be defensive, not going to react with some sexist bullshit.

And then, out of nowhere, he reveals the weapon he’s been just waiting to use:

“Well I guess I’m just a sexist, abusive asshole then, aren’t I?”

This might also sound like:

• “Well maybe you should just leave me then!”

• “You’re right. I just set out to make you miserable.”

• “You’re right. I can’t do anything right. I’m a terrible husband.”

• “Yup, that’s me, neglectful and awful. I’m just a terrible father.”

It’s enough to make you want to tear your entire house down, isn’t it? But it’s also an extremely effective passive-aggressive ploy for escaping accountability.