'But I'm an ally and a feminist!' How men weaponize feminist identities against women: The Weapons Abusive Men Use series

Abusive men often use feminism as a weapon, insisting they're entitled to the benefit of the doubt

Abusive people almost never see themselves as abusive. In most cases, they believe they’re on the side of justice, and that the evildoing unfairness of their opponent justifies whatever cruelty they dish out.

Abusive, exploitative, and just-plain-lazy men are no exception. While the dynamics of patriarchy make it painfully clear that men privilege their own desires at the expense of women’s well-being, most men can’t admit this reality out loud. They don’t want to change their behavior, and they also want to be perceived as good guys. After all, good guys gain more respect and more access to women.

That’s why they weaponize feminism.

It sounds like this:

• “How dare you call me a sexist? No one cares about feminism as much as I do!”

• “I’ve always been a champion of women and it’s ridiculous for you to imply otherwise.”

• “All my friends know I’m a feminist, and they know you’re nuts.”

• “Your feminism has gone too far.”

• “Maybe you should turn your anger on the real bad guys—the red pillers and misogynists, not a good guy trying his best.”

• “You’re alienating allies by acting like this.”

This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:

• “Just make me a list!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”

• Why weaponized incompetence is such a core feature of misogyny

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: Blaming women for their reactions to bad behavior

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”

• The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean

• The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”

You can find the whole series here.