Feminist Advice Friday: Do you have any parenting advice for men?
A reader is about to become a dad, and wonders what he needs to be mindful of.
A reader asks…
My wife is pregnant with our first child. I follow you. I’m a feminist. I don’t want to fuck this up. I’ve read all the parenting books, but I know there are some things that dads just tend to do poorly. So I guess my question is: Do you have any advice specifically for dads?
My Answer
You will never go wrong by communicating directly, lovingly, and without passive-aggression or snideness or attempts at “winning” with your partner. I recommend starting with some parenting posts I’ve previously written:
What gentle parenting experts get wrong, and how they inadvertently shame mothers
Cruelty is the norm in American parenting. We have to do better.
I’ll also tell you what I tell every new parent: It gets better, and people who say that it doesn’t have forgotten how hard it is at first. The physical exhaustion does improve. Your baby will eventually sleep more and better no matter what you do.
But you’re right that, because of the way men are raised, there are certain areas that tend to be exceptionally challenging for them.
The way you treat your partner in the postpartum period is going to affect her for the rest of her life. It will also permanently affect your relationship. Becoming a mother is a profound physical and psychological—and for many people, spiritual—transformation. Denigrate that transition at your peril. Caring for your partner in the postpartum period is going to require work, compassion, and a willingness to sacrifice. But if you want your relationship to survive, doing this work is not option. I wrote here in more detail about how to support your partner after she gives birth.
Know that parenting is a skill. It is something that requires practice and study, and it’s something you can get better at. Most men seem to parent intuitively. If it feels right, they think it is right. What this ends up meaning is that they replicate their own parents’ mistakes (or overcorrect in a harmful way), draw on misguided social norms, and allow their own trauma and life histories to color their parenting. You must read about parenting. You must listen to input from outsiders. You cannot know it all.
Know that society has indoctrinated you to do things the lazy way. A lifetime of male privilege means you’ve learned, whether you acknowledge it or not, that you shouldn’t have to sacrifice for women, and that you should never run yourself ragged in service of another person. This indoctrination means that many men take the easy road in parenting. They don’t install the carseat correctly. They leave the toddler alone in the bath. They don’t educate themselves about good parenting. When mom is gone they stuff the kid full of television and sweets so they can get a break. Don’t do this. It forces your partner to work overtime to correct your mistakes.
Kids need a schedule. Yes, all kids. The degree to which this schedule has to be (or can be) rigid varies from child to child and family to family. But your kid needs a predictable life, a regular diet, to eat at the same time every day, to go to bed at the same time every night. Many men struggle with this because following a schedule means they can’t follow their own whims. It’s also harder at first. The schedule, though, is your friend. And if you’re the parent who disregards the schedule, you’ll also become the parent who leaves your kids dysregulated while your partner picks up the pieces.
Don’t automatically reject every parenting strategy your partner wants to try. A lot of men get into this toxic pattern, positioning themselves as judges and arbiters of their partners’ parenting. It’s not healthy, and often means they never get to try creative and effective parenting strategies.
Know that even when things look equal, they’re not. This is true for three reasons.
First, after a lifetime of patriarchal conditioning, much of the work women do is invisible to you. You will perceive yourself as doing a larger share of the work than you actually are. Be open to the possibility that you do not notice much of what happens to keep your family functioning.
Second, if your wife gives birth to your child, she has risked her life to give you a child. She has permanently changed her body and her health. Doing more dishes hardly renders things equal.
Third, society will forever treat your partner worse because she is a mother. The motherhood penalty is very real, even though research shows us that mothers are more productive than other employees. Your wife will suffer at work. Random strangers will judge her forever. No matter what she does or how she parents, it will be wrong. People will blame her for every problem your child ever has, but never credit her with any of your child’s accomplishments. People will think your wife is dumb or incompetent or boring or uncool solely because of her status as a mother. Meanwhile you’ll steadily earn more, get credit for even the tiniest parenting achievement, and be lauded as a good dad no matter what you do. Your status as a father will never cause people to perceive you more negatively.
Seek advice early. A lot of men are very resistant to getting parenting expertise, because they view parenting as intuitive and uncomplicated. Or they fear their kid getting a diagnosis, and would rather their child suffer than be different. But the earlier you seek support, the less your child will suffer. You may have to experiment to find the right expert. They’re not all equally good. So work together with your partner to find someone who reflects and honors your values.
Understand that you likely come to parenting with a deficit of skills. Women are taught to be nurturing and sacrificing from day one. Many women have extensive experience with children. If your partner is among them, consider that parenting is a skill, that practice sharpens that skill, and that your partner is likely going to have more insight into parenting than you.
Don’t undermine your partner. Just don’t. And read this.
If parenting is easy for you, it means you’re not doing enough of it, and your partner is probably struggling. Because parenting is easy for no one who’s actually doing the work.
Parenting is a grand adventure. You have the power to rewrite cultural scripts and fix generational trauma. Don’t squander that power at the altar of patriarchy. You can be a great, involved dad, in a loving marriage, but only if you choose that path.
Paid Subscriber Bonus Content: How can I tell when a man is really trying to do better? When should I give him a chance?
A reader asks…
I’ve read a lot of your content on how all men internalize patriarchy and then engage in sexist behavior. So my question is: How can I tell when a man is really trying to do better, and is likely to succeed in doing so, versus when it’s just weaponized incompetence/buying time/stringing me along? If I meet a guy who’s 90% of the way there, is it worth working to get him the rest of the way there?
I know that just telling women to give men a chance is harmful and misogynistic, but I also don’t want to miss out on a potentially good relationship.