My husband says feminism is too 'aggressive.' Feminist Advice Friday

A reader's husband got his feelings hurt by my excessively aggressive page. Poor baby.

A reader asks…

I sent my husband your page, in the hopes he would learn and better understand, whilst also knowing it’s unlikely he would. But today, he actually called you “aggressive.” He’s called me this at times as an attempt to shut me up when I’m discussing something he doesn’t want to, or it challenges something that he benefits from

Typical stuff. However, my question to you, is what do you say to men that claim you are “aggressive” simply for speaking factual truth?

FYI, this is not for the intention of changing his mind. I understand at this point, that’s most likely not possible and nor do I give a shit to. I guess, it’s to enable me to better understand how to address this in the future. I can’t imagine it’s the first time you have heard this.

My answer

Yes, of course, because the main goal of feminism should be to be palatable to men—and specifically, to sexist men. It must be so very hard for your sexist husband, and for all the sexist men who think I’m a big meanie, to not be coddled and have their dicks stroked while we sing to them songs about how lovely they are.

Feminism is not supposed to make men feel good. It’s supposed to get them to get the fuck out of our way.

This reminds me of the white people who say that the primary goal of antiracism work should be to make white people feel good. They often couch this in a threat: “If you want us on your side, you better be nice to us.” Because as everyone knows, a hallmark of being antiracist is threatening to be racist if someone is not nice to you.

Men who tell women that we must behave in the right way to get men on board (read: to get this specific complaining man on board) are not worth our time, and are not fixable. A threat to be sexist in reaction to feeling upset is just a threat to be sexist, which is just an admission of being sexist.

Feminist men are not threatened by feminism—no matter how loud or “aggressive,” because they know that feminism is not a threat to them. As my grandmother always said, a hit dog hollers. Your husband is whining because my work hit him. Because it is about him.

And if you’re a man reading this who thinks I’m too mean, that’s only because my work is about you, too.

Now that I have that off of my chest…

Your husband is using “aggression” to end the argument. He assumes that if a woman is aggressive, it must invalidate her ideas. That’s because he can’t imagine a situation in which it is ever acceptable for a woman to behave aggressively.

This is very similar to men who lash out at women for being angry or bitter. They believe that women are not entitled to the full range of human emotions, and that even our reactions to oppression must be palatable to men. Men, in this mindset, are the center of the world and should also be at the center of feminism.

If you start arguing that you’re not aggressive, you lose, because then he’ll tell you that arguing with him means you are aggressive. Better to own it. Some scripts you might use with him include:

• “Can you think of any reason why women might be aggressive when defending their rights?”

• “Have you ever been aggressive in advocating for something that matters to you?”

• “It sounds like you perceive these ideas as an attack. Does that mean you believe [insert opposite offensive idea]? Because if so, that’s the real aggression.”

• “Do you also police men who are aggressive toward women?”

With random men, I escalate the aggression. But that’s unlikely to be effective with your husband, because you’re stuck living with his stupid ass.

I do encourage you to take him seriously when he calls feminism aggressive. He’s telling you he finds the idea that women matter as much as men threatening. This makes him a threat to you, and to all women who pressure him or hold him accountable in any way.

I also want to draw your attention to something else. You sent your husband my page in the hopes that he could understand. I want to assure you that he already does understand. Men are not stupid. They invented patriarchy for their benefit, and as long as your husband is exploiting your labor, he is an active and gleeful participant in an oppressive patriarchal system.

He doesn’t need to learn.

He needs to do better.

Because you get one life, and he’s not allowed to steal it.

I’m zero percent sorry Whiny Mcloserpants finds that aggressive.