What I Really Think About Marriage, and Why it's So Often a Tool of Oppression

My answer to the most-asked question on Facebook

It’s the question I get the most from readers: What do you really think of marriage? Can marriage be saved? I do think marriage can be saved, but I don’t think we need to save it, and I definitely don’t think we should be encouraging young girls to get married.

I’ve conducted two surveys this year, both of which have shown me that things in the typical marriage are way worse than I ever could have imagined. I urge you to check out the State of Marriage and State of Postpartum surveys for yourself.

They have convinced me that oppression in marriage is the point, not an accident.

When I was dating, I knew I wanted nothing to do with a stereotypical misogynist man. I also knew that misogyny is not inevitable. Otherwise, there would be no point to feminism.

So I decided that I would rather stay single than tie myself to someone who would devote their life to destroying mine. This is where a lot of women lose the way. They believe men will change, or they’re so desperate to get married that they’re willing to compromise. We’ve built an entire culture around convincing women their needs don’t matter, so to many, compromise doesn’t even feel like compromise. It’s just what you do as a woman.

But I’m here to tell you that refusing to compromise is the only possible path to a decent marriage. My strategy worked. I was single for a long time, and then I met my husband.

Our marriage has been one of mutual support and love, that has enabled my dreams and improved my life. I knew that my marriage was not typical, but until I had kids, I really didn’t understand how normalized the terribly destructive and abusive marriages I write about really are.

Thinkpieces about household chore inequity talk about it like it’s an afterthought to the feminist project, or a humorous inevitability of motherhood. After all, mothers aren’t really people! Our time doesn’t matter like the time of real people!

Here’s the truth about marriage: Individual marriages can be great, equal, vehicles for growth and social changes. Culturally, marriage functions as an institution to serve men.

Household chore inequality is a primary vehicle for women’s inequality. And marriage is the scam that gets women to invest in this vehicle.

It works like this:

A woman is told that she must have thriving children and a clean home. There are real, substantive social consequences for failing at either. So she tries to keep up, even as society makes it impossible for her to succeed. No matter what women do, it’s wrong. We condemn mothers for both breast and formula-feeding, for being too strict or too permissive, for any parenting decision they make.

This gets mothers to try even harder.

It also deters them from demanding that their male partners participate in parenting and household labor, because they feel guilty and inadequate that they cannot do it all on their own. So they don’t ask for more. They just keep trying to do more.

But the workload is too heavy for anyone to manage on their own. It’s also so heavy that it takes away from other pursuits.

Motherhood in the absence of an equally participating partner means that women can’t thrive at work. They can’t pursue meaningful friendships. They cannot realize their full potential. And that’s exactly the point.

I spent most of this year hearing from women whose marriages had, in one way or another, crushed their dreams for their future. I now believe that this is exactly the point.

In a world where overt discrimination against women is (at least ostensibly) illegal and unwelcome, marriage fills the void. Marriage, especially for mothers, keeps women struggling to live up to an impossible standard. It distracts them.

It prevents them from rising up and demanding better.

Marriage can be good. Married women are not the problem. And to assert that women should not be involved with men at all is unrealistic. It also means accepting that men can’t do better, and that therefore sexism is inevitable.

It is not.

But until marriage can offer something better, we should be actively discouraging girls from getting married, and should educate them from childhood about the risks of a lifelong tie to a man.

The fact that my marriage is good doesn’t undermine this. The exception proves the rule. But it also proves that marriage can be something better, and those of us who are married must demand better—both for ourselves, and to model a better future for our children.

My Favorite Posts From This Year

I’ll be celebrating a year on Substack in January! These are my favorite posts from the last year, in case you’ve missed them:

Family Courts and Child Custody Are Biased Against Women, Not Men

How to Not Destroy Your Partner’s Mental Health in the Postpartum Period

Your Postpartum Depression is Probably Your Male Partner’s Fault

Feminist Advice Friday: My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me Over My Messy Apartment

Feminist Advice Friday: My Husband Spends Hours Pooping

Here’s Why Your Attempts at Getting Household Equity Don’t Work

Feminist Advice Friday: How Should We Split Chores When I’m a Stay at Home Mom?

How to Choose a Good Partner: Tips for Women Contemplating Marriage

An Open Letter to the Angry Men on My Page

How Unequal is Your Marriage or Partnership? Find Out With This Tool

Why Are Divorced Men So Angry?

How Household Chore Inequity Destroys Women’s Lives and Potential

The Family Constitution: A Tool to Counteract Inequality in Your Relationship

Subscriber Benefits, News, and Reminders

The new year is a great time to become a subscriber! I’ll be releasing the results of the State of Household Inequality survey, and paid subscribers get to see them first. I’ll also have a lot of new tools rolling out. And of course, paid subscribers get access to the private Liberating Motherhood support group on Facebook, as well as lots of other content and perks. So if you like my work, I hope you’ll consider supporting me for just $5!

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