'You're being mean!' The Weapons Abusive Men Use series
In a patriarchal world, telling a man what he has done is a higher crime than any abuse.
Patriarchal men love to play the victim. So when their partners assert themselves and demand better, they often assert that it’s the woman who’s really the problem. She’s just so mean. Often, men will use that exact phrasing: “You’re so mean!”
It’s amorphous and unspecific enough to use in just about every situation, and women’s socialization to always be nice primes them to take allegations of meanness seriously. This weapon might also sound like:
“You have a problem with everything I do!”
“You’re so mean to me! You won’t even acknowledge the changes I’ve already made!”
“Why can’t you just forgive me, move on, and stop making me feel bad?”
“I’m just worthless then, aren’t I?”
Notice that all of these statements frame his effort—not her feelings—as central. If he’s trying, that’s all that matters. Because it’s not really about being a decent partner to her. Her feelings, her needs, her life are mere background characters.
So what can you do when your partner weaponizes the “you’re so mean” trope?
This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:
The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”
The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean
The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”