"You're the abusive one!" The Weapons Abusive Men Use series
Abusive men believe that their behavior is justified. So they depict their partners as abusive.
“Actually, it’s you who is abusive.”
“You say I have to apologize for calling you names, but when you are you going to apologize for denying me sex.”
“You’ve said and done things I’ll never recover from, too.”
There’s nothing quite like the rage and indignation of a man who has been told what he did.
Many respond by telling their partner that it is in fact that partner who is the abusive one.
The real act of abuse isn’t hitting her, calling her a bitch, financially controlling her, exploiting her labor for years, emotionally neglecting their kids, or any of the myriad of other crimes he has committed.
No. The real horror is that she told him not to do these things—or got angry with him for doing them.
He’s not really a narcissist or an abuser. She is the real abuser, because she dares to demand different treatment from him.
It’s classic DARVO. It’s also depressingly common and effective. So what’s going on here? And how can you escape the endless loop of dishonest counter-claims?
This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:
“We just have different parenting styles: How men escape accountability for bad parenting”
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”
The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean
The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”