What's an effective script for introducing the idea of equality in marriage? Feminist Advice Friday
A reader wonders what script will finally convince her partner to treat her as a human being who matters.
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A reader asks…
Please help. I need a script to introduce the idea of equality in my marriage.
We have 4 kids.
My husband is under a lot of stress with his business, but I’ve just returned to work 3 days a week and in my job I have a lot of ambition (I’m an executive manager). I’m doing everything for the kids still. Surely it’s not fair. Every time I raise it he says how much better he is than his mates. That’s not the standard for me though. I want fairness. How do I bring it up in a way that he will get it?
My answer
Oh, he already gets it just fine. This is precisely why he does not wish to change things—and why he will continue to weaponize whatever excuses he can muster to convince you he doesn’t understand rather than that he is deliberately exploiting you. He has been very clear that he’s not changing.
So it makes sense that you’d get desperate.
What you are asking for is a magical spell. I’m not making fun of you. I’m asking you to consider that you are literally asking for an incantation, because this is what your husband has reduced your world to: a place where only magic can get him to change.
Lots of feminist influencers will tell you that there is such a script that really will work. Believing this to be true may temporarily make you feel better, more hopeful, more in control. But it only sets you up for more heartache down the line, when the latest magical script fails like all the others did.
To believe that the right script will change his mind, you must also believe that the inequality in your relationship is an accident, and that if you had better communication skills, it would never have occurred.
This is false, and it’s victim-blaming. There’s a reason that most heterosexual relationships look substantially the same. It’s that patriarchy is a system designed to benefit men at women’s expense. The system buys individual men’s excuses, and tells women to just keep trying, even when the evidence is overwhelming that he will never change.
Though it may be depressing, there’s also power in seeing your marriage for the exploitative arrangement it really is. Doing so frees you to stop blaming yourself, stop believing you are unworthy and deserve it, and start planning for something better.
It doesn’t matter if he’s better than his friends. Does he want to fuck them and gain their approval? No? Then he needs to worry about how his wife feels, not what his friends do. He tells on himself when he compares himself to his friends. Because what he is really saying is that you—a person who is not a full human being allowed to have feelings—should be grateful he’s slightly nicer than the other shitheads in his life. Be grateful! You don’t actually matter!
While scripts might not work, boundaries sometimes do. A boundary is a rule for how you will respond to someone else’s behavior, and it’s time to start drawing them with your husband. You need to have a clear, direct conversation indicating that you will no longer accept any excuse for household labor inequity, and that when he his home you will split things 50/50. If he does not agree, some things you might stop doing include his laundry, his meals, his social calendar, presents for his family, and anything else that benefits him and only him. Make clear that there will be no arguing. He does it or he doesn’t. You’re not going to argue with this dude about your humanity anymore—and make no mistake, that is what you are arguing about.
The odds are good he will escalate his maltreatment, and that he won’t change in response to your pleas, so you must be prepared to actually enforce the boundaries you establish.
You should also be prepared to leave. Because this is not a small thing. Stealing your time is stealing one of the few resources you cannot replenish. He’s stealing your life, and telling you he’s entitled to do it.
I remember working part time so I could pick the kids up, from school and nursery,
Often skipping lunch to cram my work in, taking them to clubs or haircuts or whatever, cooking their tea, still in work clothes and being there for them, homework, arguments, questions etc. Husband arrives home and scans the scene and says he’s going upstairs to get changed.
That happened once too often. That was my booking point and my boundary. I refused to cook tea on certain evenings (still made food for little ones). That worked. Food mattered. It made the discussion worthwhile. I’m not saying it’s pleasant admitting this or that my approach is a solution to a much bigger problem and set of assumptions. Offering as a reflection on a very clear piece of wisdom - thank you!
The effective script is delivered by someone else and it is: "You have been served [with divorce papers]."