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Matt's avatar

YES to getting her to speak to a lawyer. When I was leaving my abusive marriage, people filled my head with horror stories of their divorces and I thought I was SO fucked.

When I actually called the lawyer for a consultation, he laughed for a solid minute. Not at me, but at how much he could offer me. He handed me off to one of his associates, a very nice woman, and they definitely came through for me. Nothing I was scared of came true (and my ex tried). Plus, the consultation was free. There is nothing to lose to get some peace of mind.

Also, I've been the friend who is in an abusive relationship that drags on and on and knows it. So, yes: We KNOW it exhausts you, know it's a huge burden to place on others, and we know it strains our other relationships.

But the thing is: People go through plenty of other horribly draining things that are culturally unacceptable to end friendships over, like cancer or loss in the family. Isn't it interesting how abuse is not one of them? It's almost like the culture is built to aid and abet abusers (it is).

Just try to remember: However hard it is for you, I guarantee it is 50x harder for us at a BARE minimum. Every single day.

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Emma Willmer's avatar

Someone avoiding normalising my choices would have helped massively for me, and helped me become aware of the abuse years sooner than I did. My family of origin was an abusive one and I grew up thinking that’s what love looked like. You might not be popular doing it but women who are abused need to hear that it’s not okay and not normal, repeatedly!!

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