"You owe me sex" and other ways sexist men weaponize sex (paid subscriber bonus)

Men think sex is their birthright, and that women who won't give it to them deserve whatever abuse they can dish out.

“I can’t wait to tell our therapist how bad you are in bed so he’ll know exactly what a loser you are.”

“I need you to give me a plan for when you’re going to have sex with me by tonight.”

“Why would I do anything for you without you tending to my physical needs?”

“Sex is my love language.”

These aren’t quotes from specific readers. These are almost verbatim quotes that dozens of readers have shared with me. Their husbands are all using the same sexist playbook. And for some reason, they’re convinced that they are entitled to the painful, low-quality, abusive sex they demand from their partners. Because who wouldn’t want to fuck an abusive asshole who can’t make her orgasm?

In my sexuality survey, women reported average sexual satisfaction of 2.2 on a scale of 1-10. Twenty-six percent reported that their partners had coerced them into sex, and the majority reported experiencing one or more other forms of sexual abuse (for example, ignoring it when she said no; threatening her for not having sex). For women, sex is a battleground. For men, it’s yet another thing women owe them.

This is sexuality as a weapon—yet another tool of oppression, yet another thankless duty women owe to men.

This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:

• The weapons sexist men use: “I’m just joking!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: Blaming women for their reactions to bad behavior

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”

• The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean

• The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”

You can find the whole series here.