'You're so resentful!' How abusive partners weaponize women's dissatisfaction

Resentment is the natural, normal reaction to oppression.

“You’re just so resentful. I can’t stand it!”

“You sure sound bitter!”

“I mean, I get that I did something wrong, but I just can’t get past how angry you sound.”

These are the refrains women hear in arguments with partners who systematically denigrate their emotions and needs. Frustratingly, when women seek outside support, they may hear a similar chorus.

The manosphere losers quickly show up to tell them that they’re “entitled” for wanting more, to remind them that they don’t work (because in manosphere ideology, no woman has a job, even when she does), and to assure them that no man will ever want them, that they’re going to die alone and bitter with their cats.

In therapy with a sexist therapist, they might get a softer but equally damaging story: Show more gratitude. Don’t complain so much. He can’t change overnight. Notice his good qualities! Give him credit for trying!

Soon, the woman is defending her right to be upset rather than talking about the actual issue. And that’s exactly the point: Distract. Deflect. Convince her she is the problem, gaslighting her forever. So why is this strategy so effective? And what should you do when someone weaponizes it to silence you?

This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:

• “We just have different standards!”

• “We just have different parenting styles: How men escape accountability for bad parenting”

• The silent treatment

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”

• The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean

• The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”

You can find the whole series here.

I also talk about the ways we gaslight women into thinking inequality and abuse are their own fault in this series.